Get over it? Or get into it?
The Great Processing Debate
© 2009 Meryl Runion
The best way out?
There are two kinds of people in the world – those who process and those who don’t.
(As an aside, there are two other kinds of people in the world – those who make absolute statements, and those who don’t. And there are two kinds of people who make absolute statements – those who mean them absolutely and those who make them and then qualify them. That would be me.)
By “process” I mean grapple with issues, study wounds, and examine misunderstandings to sift, sort, untangle, and learn from them. Processors move closer in when interaction gets uncomfortable rather than move away from the pain. I call it going on an Insploration Expedition.
Why would anyone want to do that? To the uninitiated, processing is obsessive buzz-kill. "Don’t wake sleeping dogs," they say.
"The dog isn’t really sleeping," we processors respond. And, approached in the right way, those dogs become tremendous allies.
The uninitiated roll their eyes. "Get over it," they say, "Call a truce and move on."
"Get into it," we say, "in order to get over it. Call for a collaboration, move in, and then move on – with understanding."
"Why can’t you just let it go?" they ask, "Why don’t you just accept it? Be positive and love?"
"Because we don’t understand each other," we say, "And when we understand, we accept, are positive, and love."
Can you guess which side of the great processing debate I’m on? I say the best way out is through. I’ve seen Insploration Expeditions heal too many hurts to question them.
A girl thing?
Processing emotions and thoughts comes more naturally to women. We call thirty of our closest friends to work through a simple misunderstanding with a coworker. Men would rather watch sports. They call one of their friends to discuss the scores. And sometimes their approach works well. And sometimes it doesn’t.
After several years of marriage, my husband Bob warmed up to processing. He used to judge and dismiss my attempts. He used to attack and defend. Now, he gives and takes. That’s because by now we’ve been on enough Insploration Expeditions where he’s come out feeling acknowledged and so well-loved that he knows there’s a reward for embracing the seeming quagmire. He also warmed up to processing when I made a logical case for it.
Processing: it’s not just for women anymore
Light bulbs went on for Bob when I explained how my interpersonal processing is analogous to the way he deciphers people’s health issues. He’s a natural-health consultant, and when clients tell him what ails them, he deeply explores the details of their pain. What are they experiencing? When does it happen? What else is going on? What does s/he do before the symptom appears? The questions he asks are not negative and do not display a morbid fascination for suffering. They elicit information that provides clues that help him solve problems. Treatment is easy, he says. It’s the diagnosis that’s hard.
That’s not so different from the way people in my life and I deeply explore the details of disconnect and discord. What are we experiencing? When? What else is going on? What happened before we collided? The questions we ask are not negative and do not display a morbid fascination for conflict. They elicit information that will provide clues to understand each other and deepen our bond. Treatment is easy in relationship challenges, too. Diagnosis is hard. Especially since simple explorations can feel like inquisitions to non-
processors.
"Are you probing to torment me?" they ask.
"No," we say, "We’re trying to buy a vowel so we can solve our puzzle."
"Can’t you assume the best intentions?" they ask.
"We ARE assuming the best intentions," we say, "and that’s why when you do something that hits us wrong, we want to explore it to uncover the best intentions behind it."
"Can’t you just say it’s not that important in the grand scheme of things?"
"No," we reply, "because anything that causes pain instead of joy in our relationship is very important in the grand scheme of things."
"It seems like you want to process all the time," they complain.
"That’s because we get cut off before we get to the gold," we respond. "If we only ate a few bites of food at a time, we’d want to eat all the time, too. When we get completion, we’re done."
We get into it to get over it. These days, my husband and I spend very little of our time processing. We got into it and now most of the time we are over it.
Find the balance
Of course there are people who are addicted to pain and problems. Not every relationship issue needs to be traced to its core, any more than every physical symptom requires us to stop everything to track it down. That would be called hypochondria.
We don’t look for problems, but we don’t avoid them either. We monitor the signals to stay in balance.
Got the sniffles? It might not be the best night to go to an all night rave (or an all-night LAN party, depending on your style), but you probably can still meet your cousin who flew in from Africa to see you.
Did someone take a pot shot at you in a meeting? You probably don’t need to polish your resume, but you might want to ask if something’s up when the meeting’s over.
If you overreact, you lose your ability to respond effectively. But that doesn’t mean you should ignore signals. If you do, the signals you ignore get louder. And before you know it, that high blood pressure you ignored is a heart attack, and that spouse you had a thousand uneasy truces with tells you she’s leaving – despite the fact you pretended your heart was strong and you were happily married.
To process or not to process? Err on the side of process. Get into it so you can get over it. Go on an Insploration Expedition.
Benefits of processing
Like removing a splinter, processing pays off. Here are a few benefits:
• You blow your own cover and don’t have to pretend you’re perfect. That leaves you with no false image to protect.
• You get unstuck from a limited repertoire of emotions.
• Unconscious thoughts and feelings become conscious so you can manage them.
• It takes the charge out of emotions. A 20 hankie process eventually becomes a casual conversation.
• You learn an amazing amount about how life works. Every deep issue I deal with teaches me so much I could write a whole book about it. (Sometimes I do.)
Many people who object to processing dislike it because they’ve experienced the pitfalls. Here are some you can watch out for.
Potential processing pitfalls
Some hazards of processing for you to watch out for are:
• Processing can be addictive. The emotional intensity can get you wanting to process life more than you live it.
• You might kid yourself into thinking your intention is high-minded – to get into the issues to keep relationships pure – when it’s really low-minded – an excuse to blame or wallow.
• Many people don’t understand the purpose and power of processing and think you’re wallowing when you’re not.
• It might take longer to get to the other side than you imagined. It’s like cleaning out a really messy closet – it can be more than you bargained for.
• You can neglect to carry it all the way through to high-mindedness. That’s like cleaning your closet and leaving stuff in the room.
• You might overthink – and overfeel – your life. Kind of like cleaning your closet all day every day.
• Processing can substitute for action.
So avoid the pitfalls above. (My new Speak Strong book gives you a lot more info on all that.) And follow the processing dos below.
Processing dos
• Experience what processing brings up and move on.
• Balance processing with activities that bring you joy.
• Realize that what others say to you is both personal and not personal.
• Assume innocence. People do the best they can. (Including you.)
• Consider thoughts, feelings, and emotions to be breadcrumbs that will ultimately lead you out of the dark processing woods into bright resolution.
• Turn accusations around to see if you’re projecting.
• Look for polarization and your own role in it.
• Check for resistance to feeling – yours and theirs.
• Don’t just process when things go south. If you have regular communication wellness check-ups, your process will be simple and painless.
Here are some more tips to help your process be powerful and productive.
Processing tips
• Processing can seem tedious and laborious. You may resist, thinking that some people aren’t worth the trouble. Instead, think of it as something you do for yourself. You’ll learn a lot, and you’re worth it.
• Two conflicting statements can be valid clues. When you’re processing, don’t dismiss two statements that seem to contradict each other.
• The processes you resist are the ones you can learn the most from.
• When relationships get sticky, it can mean they’re working. They are accessing you on a deep level. Superficial alliances don’t stir you in the same way.
• Issues are rarely about what they appear to be about. Usually bigger issues and history drive the discussion.
Get into it to get over it
To some, processing is a delightful adventure. Some would call it a heroic journey. To others, it’s a necessary evil. To others still, it’s an abomination.
But a well-managed process will take you past your pain by leading you through it with a compass to guide you. Do you have something you want to get over? The very best way could be to get all the way into it first.
Once you’ve done that, you can put the great processing debate to bed. Your experience will convince you the best way out is through – consciously and with purpose. Have a great expedition!
I invite your comments. Please post them here: http://www.speakstrong.com/newsletter/2009/01/27/discussion-get-over-it-or-get-into-it-the-great-processing-debate/
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Meryl Runion and Speak Strong (SpeakStrong) provides Power Phrases (PowerPhrases) and other tools to help you improve communication skills at work and at home.
She is the author of the books Speak Strong, PowerPhrases!, How to Use PowerPhrases, Perfect Phrases for Managers and Supervisors and How to Say It: Performance Reviews. She can be reached at 719-684-2633 or by email:
