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This Week in the World A new study shows that 25% of the population has no one to confide in. I used to be in that group. I was recently reminded that I once was in that group. While reading the book The Soul of Money, I was struck by the conversation the author and her husband had after losing much of their net worth in the stock market on Black Monday in October 1987. They moved beyond their fear, anger and other emotions in a matter of hours by confiding in each other. I found their experience to be a sharp contrast to what I went though because of that day. The first time I invested in the stock market was three days before Black Monday. The $10,000 mutual fund I bought was valued at $3000 only a few days after I invested. I was frightened, discouraged and felt shame about my actions. I shared my experience with no one. There were over a million people who were impacted by the events of the stock market that day, but I experienced it as my own private shame. I could have worked through my emotional reaction much more quickly had I not felt the need to keep my loss so private. Sex, religion and politics are considered the three taboo topics. But let’s not forget money. I don’t suggest being an open book with everyone on any of the touchy topics, but I do suggest finding a confidant or confidants when you need one. I’ve been talking about money with a lot of people lately, and it sure feels healthy. In 1987 I felt like I had a deep dark secret. Now I am human like everyone else. I am grateful that I am no longer in the 25% group with no one to confide in. If you still are, I encourage you to reach out. Confiding the truth about what happens in your life is very healthy. Post a comment in our blog, here. PowerPhrase of the Week I recently forwarded a book proposal draft that I was excited about to a friend for feedback. If you do creative work, you know how closely the creation is tied into the identity of the creator. I wanted accurate feedback, but I was also sensitive to having my “baby” criticized. I sent it to my friend Jody, who was very gracious in explaining that I wasn’t as far along as I imagined myself to be. She said,
She went on to give very specific feedback about the strengths and weaknesses of the writing. I read her feedback like it was a gift, which it of course was. comment http://www.speakstrong.com/newsletter/category/newsletter/the-powerphrase-of-the-week/ Poison Phrase of the Week Jack complained to Charlie and cc’d their boss about work that Charlie had left for the office manager. Charlie had misunderstood the responsibility of the office manager, but did not appreciate Jack involving the boss on an issue that could easily have been dealt with on a peer level. Jack said, - Yeah, I suppose I should have come to you first. But that’s just the way I am. This remark smacks of powerlessness. The implication is that Jack has no control over the way he is, so others have to simply live with his behavior. It’s an excuse for bad behavior and a Poison Phrase. comment Ask Meryl When I started my job I was part of board meetings and my views were sought on a number of contentious issues. However, it soon became apparent that the board (all male) were uncomfortable having their practice held up to scrutiny by a female who did not subscribe to the opinion that because they were directors, they were always right. Now I no longer am invited to board meetings and no longer get to hear information that previously enabled me to do my job effectively and to bring about change. I need to address this without seeming to moan or over-inflate my importance in the company. How do you suggest I approach this with my directors? Meryl Responds It sounds like things changed without anyone saying anything about it. The result is that you’ve made a number of assumptions that may or may not be true. Before you do anything else, I’d like to hear you get clarity on the reasons for the change in the practice of including you. Here is a possible script.
It is quite possible the reasons for your not being invited have nothing to do with what you think they do. I’d like for you to find out. And even if you’re right, it sounds like the goal of speaking is to get what you need to perform, even if the situation requires that you be a bit less forthcoming in the future. Got a question? Send it to us at SpeakStrong. We answer as many questions as we can personally. We may use your question in the newsletter anonymously unless we are asked not to. When we respond, please email us back to tell us you received the response and give us feedback. Reader Success Story I received an angry message on my answering machine from my friend about "blowing her off" and not getting her bookkeeping done. It was an ugly situation that I needed to address. So out came your book, "How to Use PowerPhrases." I tried to call her back for 4 days and either got a busy signal or a message that her message box was full. Since I couldn't reach her by phone, I wrote her a letter using lines from your chapter about apologizing -- without groveling -- that was short, but sweet, and to the point. I stated that she was counting on me and I let her down, that I cared about her and our friendship and that by me letting her down I didn't honor that friendship, I said I was sorry and asked if she would please forgive me. End of letter. She called me after receiving the letter and we had a conversation that was very positive and civil. I first apologized for letting her down, she apologized for leaving an angry message, and she thanked me for everything I had done in years past. She stated that she knew I was overwhelmed with work and that she had a friend who wasn't working who would be able to take the work off my hands. I was elated and relieved. I didn't tell her that though. We made plans on a date to meet with the other lady to pass along all her files, information and backup. The call ended friendly and she asked, "Any hard feelings?" Of course, I said, "No hard feelings at all - friends forever." Thank you, Meryl, for your support and especially for your PowerPhrases. Send in your success stories for your Pippi Pangea I Said it Strong Award. |
Pippi's Name Pippi's new name is Pippi Pangea, and the award has been renamed the I Said It Strong Award. Explanation and comments. Got a Communication Challenge? We will respond with our best suggestions. We may publish your question and response anonymously unless you request privacy.We appreciate your feedback on our response. If we publish your question, be sure to check the blog for further suggestions from our readers. SpeakStrong "Confiding is good for the soul." ~ Meryl Runion~ SpeakStrong Definition: To express yourself both powerfully & effectively; to say what you mean, mean what you say, without being mean when you say it. SpeakStrong "The secrets almost killed me."
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