This Week in the World
Any Tool Can Be Made Into a Whipping Stick

The Dali Lama was teaching personal development techniques here in the west when someone told him some of his students might use the techniques as a way to beat themselves up. When the Dali Lama did not understand how this could be, he was told that sometimes westerners will react to learning with self-depreciation for not already having the skills. The Dali Lama did not understand the concept and confessed that Tibetans do not engage in self-depreciation.

I found it fascinating to consider a culture that does not self-depreciate. I also thought about how much easier it would be to SpeakStrong in such a culture.

Self-depreciation is painful and unpleasant. It also can be a tool you or someone else uses to control others. It is difficult to SpeakStrong to someone who uses honest communication as a whipping stick to beat themselves up with.

Self-depreciation is as powerful of a manipulative tool as anger. Think about that person you are reluctant to come clean with because they are "so sensitive," and ask yourself, are you bearing the burden of their sensitivity? If you are, perhaps it's time to say what you mean and mean what they say without being mean when you say it. Be clear and kind, and if they use your truth as a way to self-depreciate, realize that was their choice.

And if you are the one who is too sensitive for others to speak openly with, it's time to develop your self-esteem so people can SpeakStrong to you without fear of you crumbling. There are some tips in this newsletter. Linda Larsen's cassettes are still on sale, and that's a great resource to help develop the self-esteem to speak up and be able to hear feedback. Another great place to start is to tell the truth to yourself. Are you really that fragile.or could it be that you are holding on to a powerful technique to control other people in your life? Are you really that fragile, or could it be that you just think you are? Think about that for a few minutes.

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PowerPhrase of the Week
There's a Vast Difference Between Being Powerless and Thinking I Am

It came up twice last week so I decided to include it. When Kat was feeling burned out, her coach told her to,

• Think of a time when you felt powerful as a child.

She had a wonderful memory of a time at age three when she walked around the block alone and got home without getting caught. It was a wonderful feeling of power that she was inspired to remember.

Kat's coach brought the subject up from her side, but with Shelly, she needed to initiate the topic. Shelly told a psychologist,

• I want to review my past and find all the places I demonstrated power.

The psychologist was astounded and said, "Whatever for? You were powerless." Shelly replied,

• There's a vast difference between being powerless and thinking I was.

Both women found that focusing on where they were powerful helped them to be more powerful. In Shelly's case, she brought it up from her side and persisted despite resistance from her psychologist.

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Ask Meryl
Asking for an Interview

"ABC Widgets" used to contract services with my company, but now they are forming their own team. I am very interested in being part of that team.  Although I have not met the decision maker/hiring manager of the other organization I do know who the person is.  Everyone knows about me and my skills sets are just as applicable to the other organization.  I'm confident that my work quality, ethics, etc. is known. how do I approach the other manager at the 'competing' business for an interview?  I feel like I'm not speaking up enough.  I don't want to wait too long and then be told 'you should have spoken up'.  Yet at the same time I don't want to appear 'needy'.

Meryl Responds

I'm curious why you think a company would consider you needy for suggesting you have the skills they are looking for. I prefer to think you will come across as confident, professional, and astute enough to recognize an opportunity when you see one.

I'd say,

• I'm impressed with your operation and would like us to consider my becoming a member of your team. Please add my name to your list of qualified applicants for interview. I'm confident my skill set would be a great asset to your team.

You may want to add,

• Please keep my inquiry confidential, of course.

They are unlikely to think you are needy unless you think you are. It's also clear that you're not. You have confidence in your skills and yet there is a reluctance to ask for what you want. Going after what you want is being a professional. I wish you success.

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Got a question? Send it to us at SpeakStrong. We answer as many questions as we can personally. We may use your question in the newsletter anonymously unless we are asked not to. When we respond, please email us back to tell us you received the response and give us feedback.

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Reader Success Story
Broken Ice

On May 25, 2006, a coworker decided to tell me how confrontational she considered me to be.  She noted that when I had a problem with anyone, I address the issue as soon as possible and how some people could not handle it. 

  After about 15 minutes of us going back and forth, in my effort to gain a clear understanding of what she thought was considered confrontational, I was able to learn that :

  1.    She was raised to be "polite" and not "make a scene."  If she has an issue with someone, she does not meet with the person to discuss the problem, so it quietly goes away and nothing is resolved.  What really happens is resentments are being built between her and the person involved in the dispute.

  2.    She believes the word "confrontation"  carries a destructive connotation and would never want that said of her. 

  3.    She also let me know that "others" find me confrontational and "they are afraid of me."  The "others" are never named.

  4.    Finally, she advised me I had too many filters in place and never presumed innocence. 

  I took all her comments into consideration and searched for a positive method to respond to her comments.  I also realized that this coworker and I had crossed verbal swords several times within the past two years, without any resolution.  The previous day, May 24, 2006, I had received Issue 220.  When I read it again, I decided to send it to her. The article "I Never Promised You a Rose Garden" seemed at that moment to be the appropriate way to introduce her to Speak Strong.  Meryl, I sent Issue 220 to my coworker as an "FYI" and said nothing for a week.  Going into the second week, she and I were talking about supplies and I said to her,

• You are very polite but you are also a strong woman and sometimes people mistake your behavior as self-effacing.  

I went on to tell her that even though we had differences in the past, I admired her and she had a great sense of humor.  That broke the ice; we talked about our differences and gained a better understanding of how we each function.  She also told me that was the nicest thing I had ever said to her.  We both learned something that day!  Hopefully, after reading Issue 220, she will learn a different way of thinking about confrontation and embrace our motto:  To express yourself both powerfully & effectively; to say what you mean, mean what you say, without being mean when you say it.

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Reader Comments on Last Week's Newsletter

Confiding is good for the soul

That's just the way I am

Barred from the board