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This
Week in the World My friend "Frank" came through town last week. Frank has built and lost multi-million dollar businesses at least twice. The last time resulted in a year's prison sentence for fraudulent business practices. Frank worked very hard to make promises he could keep and keep the promises he made, but he had a rep that played fast and loose with the facts. Frank worked with him and was ready to terminate him, but decided to give him one last chance. In his one last chance Frank's rep made false promises to a group that included FBI agents. As CEO of the organization, Frank was the one who was held responsible. Frank knew he should have cut the rep loose as soon as he recognized the man was a compulsive liar. Frank rationalized that terminating the rep would require him to terminate the 50 employees that the business the rep brought in supported, and Frank owed it to them to give the rep one more chance. That one last chance cost everyone at Frank's company their jobs. Have you ever been used as an excuse for someone else doing what they wanted? Someone said they'd "let you go" instead of confessing that they were ready to end the conversation. Someone got dessert because "you like dessert" when it's really an excuse to eat dessert themselves. Someone didn't give you an update because they knew "how busy you are," when they really didn't want to do the update. Or they stayed in a job that violated their ethics because "you like the stability." Frank was concerned for the employees he would have to lay off,
but Frank was concerned for his own bottom line. I have kidded
myself in a similar way. Post a comment in our blog,
here. PowerPhrase
of the Week It was a distinction people often overlook. Roger was telling Mike about all the work he was doing, and Mike replied,
comment http://www.speakstrong.com/newsletter/category/newsletter/the-powerphrase-of-the-week/ Poison
Phrase of the Week Over the years it has become more common for people to make comments like - Get your butt over here. While half or more of the population may not object to references to their anatomy, there are enough people who do not appreciate this kind of talk that there is no reason to include it in your communication. comment Ask
Meryl I'm guessing my co-workers are not much different from many others, in that when someone loses a family member or someone special to them dies, inevitably a co-worker sends a sympathy card around for everyone to sign. How do you tell the person who just lost someone you are sorry for their loss, without always saying "I'm sorry for your loss"? Don't get me wrong - as I received the card for my boss's father who has just passed away, that's the first thing that came to my mind too. So before writing that down, I started to read what others had written. What I noticed made me go, hmm. Everyone's comment said the very same thing, only with the words in a different order. It was a very depressing card to read. I am absolutely not bringing religion in this question. What someone believes, or doesn't believe, is perfectly fine with me and I'm not trying to change that. But don't all the comments saying, "I'm sorry for your loss" or "In this time of your loss..." help feed any down and/or negative feelings? My attempt was to be more positive and encouraging; I wrote, "Build strength by daring to remember and his memories can never be lost". What other comments do you have? Meryl Responds I love your comment. I have a few considerations below, but I really respect your words. In formulating words some good questions to consider are: 1) What is in your heart to say - 2) What do you think will help to hear - 3) What do you know about loss they might benefit from hearing - 4) How might the intent be misunderstood? The words in these cards are usually secondary to the intent. They are usually written just for the recipient to know people are thinking about them and that people care. And, of course people are volatile at times like this.so if you get "real" you run the risk of saying something that hits them wrong and can make you a target of the flood of emotion they are likely experiencing. I think most people play it safe in cards because they don't consider an alternative and also because they are afraid of saying the wrong thing. But if you risk saying the wrong thing, your chances of saying the exact right thing are far greater. That's why I support your effort in offering condolences that could be a source of true comfort and inspiration. A message that is thought-out and specifically targeted to the situation can be a great gift. I read your comment with the question of how an Izzie might be able to miss the intent and reject the comment. I could imagine someone being offended by the suggestion that they should build strength. I love the suggestion of daring to remember because I've known too many people who have blocked all memories out of their minds. Still, I can imagine someone being offended by the suggestion that they might be scared to remember. I really like the "memories can never be lost" comment, and I don't see how an Izzie could misinterpret that, but I'm sure it's possible. The fact that I've found possible ways to misread the intent doesn't mean those aren't the perfect words to write. It's just consideration before you put pen to paper. One comment you will want to avoid is: - I know how you feel Because no one ever really does. I often find people need permission to feel whatever they are feeling after a loss so I try to give them that. I also like to encourage people to reach out to get what they need. Here's a phrase for that.
These may be a bit too personal for a group card for a coworker.or they may not. If a comment is truly personal and heartfelt it will be inspired by the person you are writing too. It's impossible to do that theoretically. What do you think? I'd love to have suggestions from readers on this, Got a question? Send it to us at SpeakStrong. We answer as many questions as we can personally. We may use your question in the newsletter anonymously unless we are asked not to. When we respond, please email us back to tell us you received the response and give us feedback. Reader
Success Story I took on board what you said (http://www.speakstrong.com/newsletter/2006/06/26/barred-from-the-board/#comments) and have since talked it through with my boss. She was surprised that I felt excluded and gave a commitment to keep me informed about issues discussed at the board that I need to know about. She explained that I can be abrupt in my manner and that the male board members felt that I sometimes challenged their authority inappropriately. They wanted the board to be a system for ratifying decisions, not having those decisions challenged. Another forum has since been set up that allows issues to be
explored and that has power to make decisions based upon majority
agreement, and the board has up to now complied with this. I am a
full and active member of this group. Send in your success stories for your Pippi Pangea I Said it Strong Award. Reader Comments on Last Week's Newsletter There were some great contributions last week. I also responded to comments from the previous week...so check it out. I Never Promised You a Rose Garden (New Comment) Commanding Respect (New comment) |
Pippi's Name Pippi's new name is Pippi Pangea, and the award has been renamed the I Said It Strong Award. Explanation and comments. Got a
Communication Challenge? We will respond with our best suggestions. We may publish your question and response anonymously unless you request privacy.We appreciate your feedback on our response. If we publish your question, be sure to check the blog for further suggestions from our readers. SpeakStrong "You are responsible for the falsehoods you tell and the falsehoods you allow." ~ Meryl Runion~ SpeakStrong Definition: To express yourself both powerfully & effectively; to say what you mean, mean what you say, without being mean when you say it. SpeakStrong "Fraud and falsehood only dread
examination. Truth invites it."
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