This Week in the World
Counterfeit Communication

"Steve” didn’t understand how a client could be so nice and he could still feel like he was getting a rotten deal. Mark explained that while Steve’s client was very polite, he was not nice. Mark Sanborn tells more of the difference in his June edition of Leadership Lessons. http://www.marksanborn.com/store/Leadership_Lessons_06-29-06.asp

This kind of confusion is all too common. You think one thing is going on, but in fact another is. It leaves you befuddled and it causes the message to be unclear. Disguising exploitation with politeness is an example of what I call Counterfeit Communication. Counterfeit Communication is a conversation or phrase that seems to have one purpose, but in fact has another. Read on to see some different types of counterfeit communication that may be familiar to you.

Neediness confused with love: Your suitor proclaims their love, so why do you feel so stifled?
Sarcasm confused with humor: The speaker says they’re joking but you feel the knife go in.
Disclosure confused with openness: Your potential vendor seems so open about their weaknesses as well as their strengths that it doesn’t occur to you that they are hiding some very salient information.

Bravado confused with strength: Your friend sounds so tough, but underneath you know there is a wall of fear.
Put-downs confused with sharing: Your partner “opens up’” telling you how they feel, but it feels more like a critic’s committee.
Shaming confused with guidance: You know you blew it so you don’t need your nose rubbed in it. But your boss seems intent on reminding you. She calls it guidance, but rather than guided, you feel shamed.
Pity confused with empathy: Your neighbor seems sympathetic to your loss, but somehow his concern leaves you feeling like you’re a pathetic loser.
Drama confused with passion: The conflict gets so intense that it feels so good when you kiss and make up and the severe pain you felt gives way to euphoria. But was anything really resolved? Is your relationship passionate? Or is it high drama?
The opposite is also true. A defensive ear can hear an innocent or responsible remark as sinister. Read on to see if you’ve heard some of the following Congruent Communications as counterfeit.

Consequences confused with threats: Your coworker tells you if you can’t resolve your issue she will bring it to your supervisor. You feel threatened, but she is really telling you of consequences so you can make an informed decision of how to handle the situation.
Accountability confused with blame: Your boss is trying to track down the misunderstanding, but as he reviews your emails back and forth; your defensive ear thinks he is trying to pin the mix-up on you.
Feedback confused with attack: Your coworker thinks you need to know that your fidgeting during a presentation was distracting and she tells you as graciously as she can, but you feel attacked personally.
Suggestions confused with criticism: Your partner suggests you wear the blue socks with your suit, and you hear it as criticism of your taste.
Guidance confused with control: You generously explain the system you’ve taken years to create for organizing your callbacks, but your struggling coworker rejects it all. He hears it as an attempt to control him.

What do you think? Do you like this line of thinking? What other kinds of Counterfeit Communication have you noticed masquerading as Speaking Strong? I’d love your input and examples on this as I continue to develop the theme. And this week, be aware of hidden agendas and speak to the genuine issues.

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PowerPhrase of the Week
I'd

Reader Suggestion: I love your newsletter and find many helpful hints. It would be even more helpful if you could give us phrases that use conjunctions. Sometimes I'm not able to fully appreciate your wise words until I convert phrases like, "I would" to

• I'd

which is more conversational.

Meryl’s comment: I make my living helping people notice what they do and pointing out what one might think is “obvious” but isn’t. Your email did that for me. I remember your words as I write. Thanks for the BFO –blinding flash of the obvious.

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