This Week in the World
Who Goes First? Courage in the Face of Complicity
The news media made much this week of reports of ‘N Sync’s Lance Bass’s revelation of “forbidden love” and Mel Gibson’s revelation of “forbidden hate.” But what caught my attention was an interview of four minority Capitol Hill police officers about allegations of racism on Capitol Hill.
The officer's identities are disguised in the interview. Clearly the officers are afraid to speak up openly. Listening to the interview, I flashed back on a DVD I recently watched called North Country, based on the book Class Action and Lois Jenson’s landmark sexual harassment case.
Imagine experiencing insufferable harassment and being told by your fellow victims, family and neighbors not to stir things up. Imagine facing a herd mentality of ridicule and worse at your attempts to tell the truth. Imagine having your character defamed and the intimate details of your life exploited in an attempt to discredit you for telling an unpopular truth.
Now, imagine being a man who worked at that mine who did not approve of or engage in harassment, but who knew that he too could become a target if he affirmed the plaintiff’s claims.
Lois Jenson’s tale is as much a tale of complicity as it is a tale of harassment. For every miner who harassed her and her colleagues, there were 50 who knew what was going on and did not speak up.
The interview of Capitol Hill officers is also a tale of complicity. For every person who targets minorities, there almost certainly are 50 who don’t, but who know what is going on and do not speak up. It’s amazing how much power bullies can wield when those whom they target and those who know stay silent.
Lois Jenson found out what happens when you are the first to speak up. Hers was an eleven year, debilitating struggle. There are hundreds of thousands of women who owe her a debt of gratitude for going first.
I wonder who on Capitol Hill will do the same for minorities in the Capitol Hill Police.
Where are you helping to perpetuate bullying by staying silent? It’s not easy to be the one who goes first when there is a truth someone doesn’t want you to tell. But someone has to.
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PowerPhrase of the Week
Do You Really Want Input?
It was the raised eyebrow and the subtle increase in volume that cued the other people at the table that Chris expected the group to go along with his choice of venue without a challenge. Since Chris was the boss, the signals seemed to be working – people stopped questioning him. Until Karen commented on the dynamic. She said,
- You say you want input on this decision, but I get the impression that you don’t really. We seem to be going along with your decision, but I’m not sure that’s the consensus of the group. Am I misreading what is going on here?
Chris was unconscious of the subtle control he was imposing, but once Karen pointed it out, he recognized what he was doing. The discussion opened back up.
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Poison Phrase of the Week
Sure
There are some people who are fun to do favors for, and others who aren’t. Joe is in the second category. When Gloria asked if he wanted her list of qualified leads for his calls, he said,
- Sure.
Gloria’s offer was very generous, and a more enthusiastic response would have been appropriate. Joe’s luke-warm response made her feel less inclined to offer him favors in the future.
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Ask Meryl
Hold the Hugs
I am in need of a ‘pat’ statement, and am having a difficult time coming up with one. I am confident you can help me.
At the end of 12 step group meetings, it has become common practice to hug the other members before departing. Because of issues relating to childhood molestation, I’m in the process of creating a safe environment for myself today. I feel comfortable hugging some people, but not everyone. I’ve tried keeping a safe distance, yet some come towards me with open arms, and I just freeze – I’m 5 years old again with no power.
Can you help with a power phrase that I can say quickly before I’m in the grip of someone I would rather not hug?
Meryl Responds
This is one that the readers might be a great resource for. My thoughts are that at a 12 Step Program people are far more aware of those sensitivities than elsewhere and can understand a direct statement. I’d print up a button that says,
- Ask first... Hug second. Thanks for your support
Or;
- Heart hugs freely given. Physical hugs by consent. Thanks for asking first.
Or
- Help me feel safe. Ask before you hug. Bless you.
Some such thing. You can print it out on the computer and get a button kit at the hobby store. That way people get the message before they start the process. When they ask you can respond with the form of greeting that feels right for you.
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