This Week in the World
A Funny Way of Mending Fences
Telling someone you don't like what they did or even what you don’t like about them can seem like a strange way to reach out, but sometime it works that way.
My friend and I were too close for me not to notice when she changed how she related to me and almost dropped out of my life because a new man dropped in to hers. She had every right to invest her time and attention where she wanted to I had every right to decide the changes meant our friendship no longer worked for me. We might have just drifted apart...I could have acted as cool as I felt when she did call, but instead I told her I wasn't enjoying our connection any more and I wanted to take a break rather that continue our unsatisfying interactions. I suggested we renegotiate our friendship after a month to see if there was enough common ground to continue. When the time had passed my friend decided her priorities had been out of balance and she was ready to start back up. I felt the need for more clarity.
I didn’t want an apology. I didn’t want her to feel guilty. I wanted her to understand my experience of the change in how she related and for us to decide together if we could move forward. I also wanted to know if she cared enough to let me go through the process of telling her what I hadn’t been able to say in her months of inattentiveness. At first she resisted, but when she realized I was reaching out, not pushing her away, she stopped taking what I was telling her personally and was able to be present for me. When our time together was over, she said, “I’m so grateful you were willing to tell me the truth and give our friendship a chance to heal.” I told her how grateful I was that she was able to hear me.
I came home that night to watch a Frasier rerun where Niles and Daphne were in early courtship. Niles had been secretly in love with Daphne for seven years, and Daphne was worried that he was in love with a fantasy, blind to her flaws, and that he would have a change of heart once he experienced the real Daphne. Niles resisted the idea for a while, but then one evening he declared to Daphne that he hated her cooking and always had. Soon they were hurling insults at each other. She was too tall, he was too short. He was pompous. She had no taste. With each disclosure their desire and passion built.
I’m not suggesting that you go around tearing people down or hurling insults at them, but I am telling you that there are times when risky conversations that reveal uncomfortable truths can be what the communication doctor ordered. In the movie A Few Good Men, Colonel Jessep said “You can’t handle the truth.” I say more often it’s the lies and silence people can’t handle. I’ll take a difficult truth over an easy lie any day. And fortunately for me, so would my friend with whom I am happy to be reunited.
Do you have a “former friend”? Perhaps you drifted because you thought they couldn’t handle the truth when in fact they couldn’t handle the lack of it. It might be worth investigating.
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PowerPhrase of the Week
The Fact that I Love You is No Concern of Yours
The first time I ever heard the phrase,
- The fact that I love you is no concern of yours
was when my late husband spoke those words to me. It was the first time he ever told me he loved me, and he said it in a way that implied there were no strings attached to the love he proclaimed.
I feel a freedom in knowing that Mike had the awareness about love he did. In our eight years of marriage and in the years after his passing, I experienced a wide range of emotions toward him. Some were beautiful and some weren’t so pretty. But I know he wouldn’t want me to feel remorse for any of it, because he would know that the fact that I loved him, got mad at him, was afraid of him, was proud of him…the fact that I felt whatever I felt toward him was not his concern. And as my friend and I discovered this week, the same emotions that some might have great concern over can in fact be a gift when we listen with an ear that doesn't take what they say personally.
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Poison Phrase of the Week
I Had No Choice
In The Devil Wears Prada, Andy is the assistant to Miranda, who calls any time of the day or night, expecting Andy to drop whatever she is doing and meet her often trivial demands. When Andy excuses herself from her activities with her friends she explains,
- I have no choice.
The fact is we always have a choice, and to claim we don’t abdicates responsibility. We may not like our options, but responsibility requires that we take ownership of the choices we have. Andy could have said, "This is the requirement of my job, and so I am choosing to do as she asks. I hope you understand my choices."
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Ask Meryl
Coffee, Tea, but Not Me
I'm an actress/waitress and one night certain close friends of the owner sat in my section. One of them made a number of really inappropriate sexual remarks to me while I was at the table serving them. Because one, I was working for a good tip, and two, I'm pretty easygoing, I just brushed it off thinking, well, he's drunk and it doesn't really matter, so I'll just let it slide. He gave me his number with the check and I said nothing. Then, when I went to the nightclub section of the restaurant, he saw me and grabbed me and threw me over his shoulder. I just told him "Put me down, now" in a firm, yet friendly voice. He put me down, but I was completely thrown by this situation - I made no mention to this particular patron of being uncomfortable with the remarks he was making, nor did I do anything about it at the time when he was at the table, but looking back on it, I don't think I handled it particularly well. Because there is an obvious power difference between this patron and myself, how can I handle this kind of situation when it comes up in the future? I've been told that getting hit on by patrons as a waitress kind of comes with the territory and I think that's pretty on point, but I do want to be treated with respect - or at least never thrown over the shoulder of a customer again. Any ideas on ways to handle this better than I did?
Meryl Responds
While you will want to get clear more quickly in the future, based on what you write I don’t think there is reason for you to hold yourself responsible or wonder if you led this man on.
How much of a power difference there is between you and your patrons depends on how much support your employers grant you. If they believe, as I hope they do, that you should not have to tolerate any inappropriate statements, you have the power of management, which is greater power than the patrons have. It would be helpful to get clear about what they think is acceptable and what is not. That way you could appeal to their higher power with a comment such as,
- It’s policy here to not allow that kind of remark to the wait staff.
It’s been a while since I have had to ward off unwanted attentions, so my readers might be a better source of specific phrases. Some thoughts,
- I’ll overlook that remark this once.
- I’m a professional here, and not the kind your remarks indicate. I expect to be treated with respect.
- I must have heard you wrong…I thought you just made an inappropriate remark.
- That remark was inappropriate. Let’s talk about how I can best serve your dinner.
Let’s see what the readers have to offer.
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