This Week in the World
And You Think It's Risky for You to Speak Out
For the first time this week, Joe Darby spoke publicly of the perils he faced as a result of reporting prisoner abuse at Abu Ghraib to the Army Criminal Investigation Division.
I didn’t learn of this from mainstream media, which is currently preoccupied with JonBenet Ramsey’s accused murderer down to chronicling what the man ate on arrival in Boulder. I learned of this from a friend who forwarded an article about it, telling me it could be a great topic for my newsletter, although she wasn’t sure if I wanted to handle such a hot potato.
I don’t seek out hot potatoes, but I could hardly maintain the platform I do if I ran from them.
Darby slept with a loaded revolver under his pillow because he feared retribution for being the messenger of an unpopular truth.
90% of the soldiers he spoke with said he did the right thing by speaking out. In his hometown, 90% of his community opposed what he had done. Threats to his wife and mother and fear for his own life forced him to move. But Darby remains steadfast in his decision. He said he would do it again because it was the right thing to do, and it needed to be done.
Whether personal, professional or political, the measure of appropriateness of speaking up is not popular opinion. Those who depend on a cover of silence will not give up lightly when someone blows that cover. Whether it’s asking your partner to pull their weight or telling the boss their friend is skimming the till or exposing institutional corruption, the price of speaking out can be enormous.
My Risky Conversation survey determined that 50% who spoke up about issues experienced negative backlash. I wish I had asked if, like Joe Darby, they would do it again anyway.
I tell you about Joe Darby because he is a man who Spoke Strong. By handling this hot potato I risk being a target of criticism and verbal abuse, but I won’t have to sleep with a loaded gun under my pillow. People like Joe Darby put the minor risks we all take for speaking out in their proper perspective. Speaking out does not come with guarantees…except the guarantee that you will be at peace with your own conscience.
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PowerPhrase of the Week
I Understand You Don't Agree with My Objections
Crystal was upset because she couldn't get her coworker to understand why she wasn't willing to cover up his late arrivals with the boss. She felt better when her coach (me) said,
- He doesn't need to understand. He just needs to know what you are and aren't willing to do.
Crystal had been distressed because she thought she needed to convince him he was asking her to do something unethical. She let that go and stopped trying to control what her coworker thought and simply affirmed her unwillingness. She told him,
- I understand you don't agree with my objections. However, I'm not comfortable doing this and would appreciate your not pushing me on the matter.
Crystal was able to speak authoritatively because she realized his opinion held no authority over her decisions.
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Poison Phrase of the Week
Bad Luck
After years of living beyond their means, I wasn’t surprised to hear that my old friends lost their farm to foreclosure. I was surprised with the stated reason. They told people they had fallen on
- Bad luck.
People do experience bad luck sometimes, but that’s not what my friend's loss was about. It was about a series of choices they made over several years. I was sad to hear about the foreclosure, but even sadder to hear about the explanations they gave. If they pin what happened on luck, they will be unlikely to change the choices they made.
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Ask Meryl
An Unhelpful Coworker
My coworker had her position 11 years with this company. I have been here 7. She acts pleasant and smiles but literally never offers to help anyone. She works in the office and does not know where anything is kept or where to find anything. I show her a dozen times how to do something and each time I ask her to help; she immediately says she doesn’t know how to do it but will try, and denies I ever showed her. Everyone else pitches in as needed. I tried to confront her on these issues and she recites past conversations incorrectly word-for-word. It is always someone else with the attitude. If I ask her to answer the phones while I’m busy doing something else and she says oh yes she just has to go to the bathroom and then she will or she was just going to take her break. This is a merry go round that I do not want to be on, yet I would like to have some strong words to help me deal with this issue.
Meryl Responds
If she is not doing her job and not being a contributing member of the team, it is the manager’s responsibility to address her performance. Do you have clear job descriptions? Is her manager tracking her performance?
It sounds like you need to document, document, document. Let her know you are keeping a log. Say,
- There is such a difference between how I remember our interactions and how you do that I am going to keep a log of our interaction. I’ll let you know what I’m writing if you like to make sure I’m recording it properly.
Then when things happen you can say,
- Okay, I just explained how to record transfers. I’m putting that into my (her name) log.
- Okay, I just asked you to cover the phones and you said you were ready to take you break. Does that sound right? I’m putting it into my (name) log and want to be sure I’m hearing you right.
You might want to discuss this with your manager before you start, but if you do it with an attitude of being about clarity and stay non-threatening, it shouldn’t raise any red flags. Quite possibly, just knowing you are keeping track will inspire a different behavior.
Then after a while you can present your documentation to her in a congenial way.
- (Name) I know you believe you are pitching in but my experience doesn’t support that. It affects morale when we feel like we can’t count on you, so I’d like to see if we can work it out before I approach the manager with what I have.
Don’t get on her merry-go-round no matter how she tries to hook you in. Some phrases to help with that are,
- That may be, but my experience is different.
- You may believe that, but this is my experience.
- I’m just letting you know what my experience is.
Whatever she says, don’t argue, just make your own point and let go of any need to get buy-in from her.
The goal is to make her aware that you are on to her and to make her dropping the ball unpleasant enough that she will want to pick the ball up. It’s not to get her to admit anything, because that’s unlikely to happen.
If this strategy doesn’t work and/or you can’t get management on board, you may have to accept her as she is and just let go of expecting anything.
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