An Ask Meryl-a-Thon
It’s been a busy week for Ask Meryl questions.Because I want to offer those who write me the benefit of subscriber comments as well as mine, I’m sending out an all Ask Meryl newsletter this week. Please post your thoughts freely to help those who wrote handle their issues in the best possible way. When you scroll down the blog page, there's a comment link at the bottom. Thanks!

Manager in the Middle

I am the manager of my division and report to the Deputy Director of our organization. I have staff which reports to me and works on tasks as I assign these to them. The Deputy Director is not interested in what I do or the tasks assigned to my team. He has gone as far as saying that he does not like Planners and thinks we waste too much time 'planning'. He very seldom provides input on work or assignments and provides comments after deadlines have passed, decisions have been made or if someone else brings any issue to his attention.

Recently, our Executive Director assigned a second director to work with our group and to provide guidance after he received complaints about the Deputy Director's short sightedness. Unfortunately, I still report to the Deputy Director and this has led to another set of issues. The Deputy Director and the new director are constantly at odds and have different views on how the work and policy should be developed and/or completed. I am in the middle working with the new director to complete tasks and work assignments but having to report to the Deputy Director on every single thing. The Deputy Director has recently expressed a desire to know everything we do, how we do it and the direction I get from the other director. I feel like I'm being pressured to report on the director to my supervisor and it makes me feel very uncomfortable. Any suggestions on how I can handle this situation?

Thank you for your help.

Meryl Responds

You’ve got to get out of the middle. Get them together with you and the Executive Director and have your responsibilities spelled out. Send out a meeting request that looks something like this:
With the addition of a new director, my chain of command, order of priorities and reporting responsibilities have become unclear. I would like for us to meet and determine the following,

• Who has final authority with regard to my time and work?
• Which director’s requests take priority?
• I am uncomfortable about being the source of information of what director 2 is doing for director 1. How can we create a format for reporting in that is inclusive rather than divisive?

Until we meet I will report the following way:

• I will cc the both directors on every communication I have with their counterparts.
• I will invite director 2 to join me in meeting with director 1.
• When instructions conflict I will assume that director 2’s instructions are the ones I am to follow unless and until director 1 and 2 agree and inform me otherwise.

Of course I’m guessing in making these points and you will want to adapt them to your exact situation. But the format remains…you must simply refuse to be in the middle and devise your own game plan until you can get an official game plan from management.
comment (Scroll down)

Fast Track Immunity From Accountability

I work for a major defense contrator with strict rules to protect employees from verbal and physical abuse at work. I am an older employee with 32 years with the company. A younger coworker in another department and I do not see eye to eye on each other's job responsibilities. I collect job tasks during the week and load them into a database to be screened and assigned in a Monday meeting. 

One particular Monday this coworker and I arrived at the meeting early and were the only ones there. I had loaded a job task into the database late the previous Friday and he had not had time to review it before the meeting. He voiced his displeasure and called me a "bastard".  I was so stunned I was speechless and could not reply. I have learned over the years not to react immediately to emotional issues and gave it a few days to "settle in". 

Ultimately, I call HR and told them. HR informed me that this employee is a minority and has been selected and put on "the fast track to top level management". We work on a highly classified program for a major defense contractor and I was stopped at the gate by a guard twice during the next week and "searched" for the first time in 32 years. I never told this person that I approached HR about his verbal abuse. However, he clearly is aware of it and goes out of his way to reject tasks that I feel should be done and rub it in. We have a very strained relationship now. He has the backing of HR and clearly does not mind taking advantage of it. I have kept my mouth shut but feel very uncomfortable and hate coming to work. I'm not old enough to retire and just want to leave but can't throw away 32 years. Should I say anything to this coworker and if so what?

Meryl Responds

Wow. It seems like HR’s attitude is pretty black and white. If he’s fast-tracked, don’t they want to groom him to represent the company well? Aren’t those with leadership even more important to hold accountable?

What you do depends on what you’re willing to risk. On one end, you could make a big noise about it and draw a line in the sand about it and on the other end you can remain completely silent about it. In the middle, you can ask HR,

• I understand from what you told me that you are unwilling to address Mr. X’s inappropriate language toward me because he is being fast-tracked. Isn’t the fact that you see him as being in leadership more reason to correct inappropriate behavior?
• Since I last spoke with you, I’ve been stopped at the gate twice and searched. I’ve also noticed a deterioration of Mr. X’s behavior toward me. That makes me wonder if my talking with you was not kept in confidence. Is this coincidental, or are my conversations with you not held in confidence?
• I am not looking to create problems for Mr. X. My goal is to create a working relationship where we both are respected. How do you recommend I go about that?

And in the middle you also can ask your colleague,

• I’ve noticed tension between us lately. I think it’s important for us to work together harmoniously. What can you and I do to help return us to a positive work relationship?

If he found out that you reported him, as it appears he did, he might feel it as a betrayal that you spoke to HR instead of talking directly to him. If you are pretty certain he knows, you may want to apologize for not bringing the issue to him before involving HR.

Any way around, the name he called you is completely unacceptable and you are justified to take exception with it. What form that takes does depend on what you are willing to risk. Usually employment law protects people who stand up for themselves in a clear and reasonable way. The more reasonable you appear, the more the contrast will be in their unreasonableness. In the meantime, I suggest you document everything.

If none of this works or you don’t want to risk what you’ve invested (32 years is a lot of time) it could be one of those cases where Speaking Strong is trumped by politics. It happens, but my experience is that a sincere, consistent, persistent and courteous attempt to have your position respected is rewarded more often than not. I wish you clarity and resolution.

comment (Scroll down)

An Unfair Adjuster

I am having trouble with an insurance adjuster. My car was declared a total loss. Settlement amount offered is too low. Adjuster is unwilling to negotiate. Any suggestions on what I can say to get a higher offer?

Meryl Responds

Here are considerations to help determine how much you can leverage in a negotiation:

~ How much are you willing to risk? Is the car worth spending money on legal fees?
~ On what do you base your assessment of what is fair?
~ Where can you get support for your position? Is your agent an ally for you?
~ What do you have that they want that you can leverage? Future business is one option, and there may be others.
~ Can you change the deal such as asking to keep the car? Might you be able to repair it for less than they allot?
~ Can you ask for another adjuster?

I know some adjusters are rewarded for how little they can get you to accept, so their home office has much more leverage over them than those making claims. If your agent wants to keep your business, he or she might respond to an appeal such as,

• (Name,) I’ve been paying premiums for x years, and now when I need to make a claim, I am feeling unfairly treated. I need you to help me out here. They are offering me $X and based on (source) I believe $Y is the minimum amount that is fair. Even so I would be willing to accept $Z and keep you as my agent if you can help me get a fair settlement.

If your car is worth enough to merit legal fees, you can tell the adjuster,

• You are offering me $X and based on (source) I believe $Y is the minimum amount that is fair. Even so I would be willing to accept $Z without pursuing legal action.

This statement would have more teeth if you had a lawyer make it. Either way, it’s not something you want to say unless you are willing to take the issue to court.

I do need to tell you that when I got an offer from my adjuster, it seemed low, but after I did more research I discovered it was fair.

comment (scroll down)

An Employee Who Lies

I subscribe to your newsletter, and find it a valuable resource. I often forward it to others, to share your wisdom and viewpoints.

Question, if you are able to answer.

I have an employee that I know has lied.

1) This employee is late to work too often. She and a co-worker live together. One day last week the co-worker had to go out of town for a funeral; the employee said she ran late because she had to do something for the co-worker. I asked the co-worker about this; the co-worker had not asked the employee in question to do anything that morning.

2) This employee was out of work one day last week, due to having to be in court for a divorce. The day after, I asked the employee how it went; the employee said the divorce is not finalized due to missing paperwork. She gave me no indication that she did not go to court as planned; actually her recount of the situation indicated that a court appearance was made and the information about paperwork came as a result of that appearance. Later that afternoon, a very reliable source tells me this: the employee came into the accounting office telling another worker that she did not go to court. The employee said that her future ex-husband told her that he still loves her and does not want a divorce, so they did not even go to court. Now, I believe that probably the version told to me was more correct and that the version told out loud (in earshot of more that the person she was addressing) in the accounting office was a “fantasy” version. Or, reality could be a hybrid of these two scenarios, with neither version being all truth or all lie. As for this time missed from work, she will be deducted for these hours. Does that fact really impact my dilemma? Or should I disregard the details about her day out, since it was unpaid time off?

How best to “speak strong” to address this employee? I appreciate your input.

Meryl Responds

Address her tardiness independently of the honesty issue. You say she is late too often – what does that mean? Is there a policy about how often employees are allowed to be late? If no, how can she or you know what is too often? If yes, are you enforcing it? If no, it’s time to let this employee and anyone else who might think the policy is a suggestion and not an official policy know the consequences of future incidents. Say,

• Our lateness policy has become unclear due to the number of exceptions we have made. Because of that, I want to remind you what it is, and let you know I will enforce it effective immediately.

That is what you’ll say to the group, but you may need to spell out the implications of that to this individual separately.

Her dishonesty is a separate issue, and if it was me, I certainly would address it. First of all, take away any reason to lie that you can. If there are policies that encourage lying such as some reasons for tardiness that are accepted and others that are not, the policy needs to be changed or the reasons need to require documentation.

Personally, I dislike like being lied to, and if I knew someone was lying to me, I would address it. Don’t get caught in a quagmire of what really happened in past incidents, but do let her know,

• I’m aware that you lied to me about absences and late arrivals. First, it feels like betrayal to know that I can’t count on you to be truthful. Second, I need for you to understand how important your presence here is. Your colleagues are happy to cover for you for emergencies but it’s an unfair burden to the rest of us to cover for you under false impressions about what is happening.

From what you said, it sounds like she is going through a difficult time, and you probably will want to be as gentle as you can be, but still be firm. Her personal difficulties are reasons to be compassionate, but she still needs to be held to the standards of the job.

comment (scroll down)

Defensiveness

My question and comment is about the Power Phrase of the Week

• What did I do or say to lead you to believe that...

It is very hard for me to ask that kind of thing.

I need help with feeling defensive.

My experience is that most of my coworkers look at that as an excuse to "take my inventory" so to speak. Feeling defensive, I tend to come off scripted or insincere, because I am trying to keep my cool and not be mad that instead of solving a problem, I am getting told what is not ok with me. I have found some results with the broken record strategy, asking why do you say that?Any suggestions?

Meryl Responds

Yes, I do have some ideas. First, when they give you a specific piece of negative feedback, ask,

• What would you prefer I do instead?

If the answer seems unrealistic, ask them,

• Do you think that's realistic?

Don't worry about sounding like you're scripted...that can be a part of the process.

Usually by asking for specifics you get people to think more rationally because they have to justify their opinions. So keep asking for specific information, but also keep directing the conversation toward solutions.

While you do that, be open to the idea that you might learn something, and also be open to the idea that sometimes people need to vent to get past issues.

I lead an exercise in my seminars where I have people complain about something a third party did while their partner listens and reflect back what they hear their partner say. Then I have the same person who complained before complain about the same issue but blame their partners. I ask the partners to listen with the same detachment they listened with when they weren't targeted, and to reflect back what they were hearing in the same way.It's a great exercise to practice overcoming defensiveness.

Defensiveness is a very limiting quality. It's a wonderful freeing experience to be able to listen without it. If you become defensive, you are probably defending a self-image that their words threaten. Pay attention to what you're telling yourself and find something else to tell yourself that will deflect your defensiveness. Tell yourself something like:

• This is information.
• This is their opinion.
• I can listen with the same detachment I would listen with if they were talking about someone else.
• We can get past this, and we will get there more quickly if I listen to what they have to say.

One of Jack Canfield's favorite self-statements is:

• No matter what they say or do to me, I'm still a worthwhile person.

The defensiveness won't go away overnight, but it will over time.

comment (scroll down)

A Mentor Friend or Foe?

5 months ago I started a new job. My mentor has appeared to be similar to me in many respects and we have even paired up for numerous extra-curricular activities. She almost always has a smile handy and I have found her very easy to get along with, to the point of being able to talk freely about dysfunctional tendencies in our team that affects morale.

Lately, however, I have experienced being on the receiving end of what feels like uncalled for "digs". One example is her asking me "Isn't it your job to fix the problem?" when we were discussing an unpleasant situation. Another is her asking "Weren't you at the team meeting?" (that we had both attended just last week) when I expressed that I wasn't following what she was saying.

My mentor used to be our boss's assistant (the position I'm in now). My boss has overtly and covertly rejected and criticized most of my suggestions & decisions over the last 5 months. I have even experienced her attempting to blame me for matters arising out of her own actions and tendencies. As a result, I am very hesitant to be innovative, or to take steps towards solving a problem because I'm afraid that I'll end up being fired for something that I didn't do.

I believe that my mentor already has a good idea of the issues at play, since she has been here for 10 years AND the remarks come across as being contradictory in light of her 'usual' friendly disposition towards me. When I have attempted to talk about these issues, I have sensed that this is not part of the accepted culture on my team. I don't want to lose a good friend - at the same time I want to stand up for myself. How do I respond when she make those remarks?

Meryl Responds

It sounds like talking to her about anything negative regarding your boss is a loyalty issue, even if you're trying to get help in handling him. Say,

• I would love your support with some of the issues that arise with my boss, but I get the sense that you are uncomfortable when I mention them. Would you rather I not bring these challenges to you?

Then when she makes a remark that feels like a put-down, ask for clarification. Say,

• It is my job to fix the problem. I was hoping you could help me think through how to do that.

Or

• I was at the meeting, but I'm still not following what you're saying. Did I miss something?

Or:

• That sounded like a dig. Was it intended to be?

Check out your assumptions and concerns about what she says. It sounds like she is a friend but she may have an issue or something that she is not expressing. That could mean that you will need to draw it out of her.

I hope you can get past the issue. Having a mentor is priceless.

Post a comment in our blog, here. (scroll down)

Got a question? Send it to us at SpeakStrong. We answer as many questions as we can personally. We may use your question in the newsletter anonymously unless we are asked not to. When we respond, please email us back to tell us you received the response and give us feedback.

My next SpeakStrong retreat is scheduled for December 1,2 and 3 in Cascade, Colorado. I am expecting a small, high level group and I invite you to join us. Click here for details.

---