This Week in the World
Staying Open When You Want to Shut Down
He
knew it was just an exercise, but it was hard to listen anyway. Walking
out wasn’t an option, so he retreated to his usual tactics of
deflection. He stared at the floor and raised his voice a notch as he
offered complex and incomprehensible justifications for imagined
accusations, tried to change the subject, and when that didn’t work,
sought refuge in his own thoughts. Refuge from what? From feelings he
had always been able to run from before, but not today. The group
coaxed him back from every attempt to avoid the topic until he
connected with what we were saying and he was feeling. This was a
powerful moment for all of us who care very much about the people in
our lives, but like many – or most – have developed habits of dancing
around topics that hold an emotional charge. I catch myself at it
regularly.
How
do you deflect attempts to discuss a sensitive topic? Last weekend at
my “eye-opening” retreat, we all became aware of what it means to react
and what it means to respond – what it means to hide and what it means
to be present for someone – what it means to be masked and what it
means to be authentic. We discovered how great it can feel to let our
guard down.
The things you don't want to
hear are usually the things you need to hear. The things you don't want
to feel are usually the things you need to feel. You’ll be surprised at
what can happen when you embrace the world around you. Have a
wonderfully open week.
Post a comment in our blog, here.
PowerPhrase of the Week
Thanks for Bringing That Up
Cliff
thought Jason seemed offended by a political joke at the meeting, but
he forgot about it until later when Jason told him he didn’t appreciate
his sick, biased comment. Cliff began his response by saying,
- Thanks for bringing that up.
Jason’s
complaint was testy and laced with a judgment, but Cliff chose to
reinforce his appreciation of Jason for bringing the issue to his
attention instead of staying silent and letting it fester. A
PowerPhrase is targeted, and Cliff’s first priority is to make it safe
for others to address issues. He knows even a rude comment to addresses
an issue is a start.
comment
Poison Phrase of the Week
Relax
There is a poster that says,
- Relax
in big, stressed looking, scary letters. It’s a Poison Phrase when
someone responds to a concern by telling that person to relax. It comes
across as dismissive. A better approach is to address the cause of
their stress, or let them vent a bit so they can relax.
comment
Ask Meryl
Bah. Humbug.
We (elementary teachers) put on a Holiday concert every year for
parents.
Every year we hear complaints about the venue, the seating,
the sound system, the lack of parking, the costumes
whatever
you can find fault with we will hear about it.
Teachers take many hours to prepare for concerts. We do this for parents
(not for us).
Frankly many of us are "fed up" with it and do not feel as though our
efforts are appreciated.
How could we relay to parents that this is their child's day to shine,
(and that nothing else
should shadow this -) and to keep with the holiday spirit and leave
petty complaints at the door?
I know your advice will benefit many teachers out there.
Meryl Responds
I’d say,
- The
Holiday concert is the result of many hours of effort by the children
and teachers alike. It’s a labor of love that we embrace to give your
children a chance to shine. We are proud of our children and the
results of our hard work and hope it has added to your holiday season.
If you appreciate the efforts, please be sure to let the children and
teachers know.
I
started with a version that spoke about the ratio of complaints to
kudos, but decided it might be better to at least start with asking for
what you want rather than putting attention on what you don’t want. You
might suggest to whoever fields complaints that upon receiving
complaints they say,
- I
appreciate you taking the time to let me know. We’ll check into that
for future productions. Let me ask you something. We receive more
complaints than thanks about the concert, which makes us wonder if
parents would prefer we discontinued them. Do you see value in the
production?
That’s
a non-shaming way to let them know the context their words are heard in
and to invite them to tell you if they value them at all.
comments
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