This Week in the World
Communication Subtext
It
seemed bizarre to me. Tammy invited our cat onto the sofa and proceeded
to annoy her. She tickled her paws and ears, held onto her tail and
gently tugged her whiskers. Yes, Tammy is a grown woman. The cat
signaled irritation and eventually growled, at which point Tammy backed
off for a while, only to resume again later. I figured the cat could
take care of herself and felt no need to intervene, but I did wonder
why Tammy would provoke her. I prefer to inspire purrs than growls.
Later
Tammy told us about how a relative’s cat had scratched her, and the
relative was surprised since the cat had never done that before. “She
hadn’t seen how I had provoked her,” Tammy confessed.
I
like Tammy and I found her interaction with the cat to be baffling. It
did make me wonder if she was deliberately provocative in her human
interaction. However, I do respect the fact that she owned up to her
teasing. Many people interact to provoke others and don’t even know
they are doing it, or don’t admit it if they do.
The
cat had four choices – she could stay, leave, complain or attack. When
someone is provoking you, you have another choice. You can clarify. You
can ask,
- Are you deliberately trying to provoke me?
I once told a friend, who had sent a questionable email to her boyfriend,
- It sounds to me like you’re trying to chase him away.
The point was well-taken.
A friend shifted a conversation about a misplaced item by calling attention to the subtext. She asked,
- Do you feel like I'm blaming you?
He
did, but by clarifying his defensive reaction and her real intent, she
moved the conversation in a more positive direction. I’m sure the cat
would have loved to have been able to do that too. She might have said,
- Sitting
next to you is pleasant, but I’d enjoy this much better if you wouldn’t
tickle my paws and ears. It seems like you’re trying to provoke me, and
I prefer to be able to relax with you. Can that be arranged?
It's nice to be able to SpeakStrong, isn't it?
Have a fabulous week.
Post a comment in our blog, here.
PowerPhrase of the Week
The Offer Is Open. I Won't Argue If You Choose Not to Accept
Linda
offered much needed help to her coworker, who responded with lame
objections and flimsy reasons of why she had to do it alone. Linda felt
set-up to listen to complaints and to attempt to talk her coworker into
accepting her help. She chose not to go down that road, responding
instead by saying,
- The offer is open. I won't argue if you choose not to accept.
The coworker did not accept her help the first time she used this phrase, but after a few offers, she did.
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Poison Phrase of the Week
Anything to Make Your Job Easier
This Poison Phrase could be a PowerPhrase if it is spoken sincerely. Clarisse wasn't sure which it was when a sales rep wanted to know how to place an order with her department. She
said she would email him the form he needed to complete. His response
was,
- Anything to make your job easier.
Clarisse
found this harsh and responded with a somewhat nervous laugh. She
could not tell if he was being sincere or rude. Filling out a request
form helps ensure they create what the customer wants. In the long run
it makes everyone’s life “easier” to have it in writing - and it makes
everyone's life easier when communication is clear.
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Ask Meryl
Do Administrative Assistants Have Rights?
Among my many responsibilities, I am considered the administrator in my
group, and am asked to help my team members with different things like
entering business cards and creating data bases. One acts like a boss
who just dumps things on me. Do I have any rights to ask for favors
from other team members, or as the administrative support, am I the one
that helps out and doesn't get to ask for help?
Meryl Responds
There
are no rules, and it comes down to your job description and what you
negotiate. It's important for you to know what your priorities are so
you can respond to requests appropriately and decline a request that
interferes with your main priorities. If you are overloaded and a team
member is not, it certainly makes sense that you ask for help.
In
my book (literally) you have a right to be treated with respect, and
you have a right to have your general workload considered when someone
delegates to you. If that's not happening, you can request that
delegation take place in a more considerate way. For example, say,
- I’m happy to help when you need it, but I’d rather be asked than told.
Also,
reinforce any positive behavior you experience. For example, if your
coworker delegates in a way that works better for you once, say,
- Hey, thanks for asking if I was busy before handing the work over. I appreciate that.
Positive reinforcement can be quite effective.
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