A PowerPhrase A Week From SpeakStrong Inc

This Week in the World
Inattention Deficit, Convenient Truth, Silenced by Fear of Political Incorrectness, Pick Up the Phone, Stay on Topic

Inattention Deficit: If you ever wonder what people are smoking because their perceptions seem so bizarre, here’s a video that illustrates how selective perception is. Watch it just once, and count the number of times people in white shirts pass the basketball to each other. Pay careful attention. Click here and be ready to count.

Once you’ve watched it, (and not before) click here for further instructions.

This is why it is so important for us to listen to each other, even if we can’t understand how they could be saying what they are.

Truth is Whatever is Convenient to Election Needs: I’ve been hearing in the news that those Senators who “want to hold on to their seats” support different policies than those whose seats are assured. This attitude seems to be universally accepted. Wouldn’t it be nice if the guiding principle was what was good for the people they represent, whether they are up for reelection or not?

Silenced by the Fear of Political Incorrectness: There were a couple of comments on the blog about how after reading about sensitive issues, the posters were afraid to say anything to anyone. I understand the sentiment, but I also think the problem isn’t saying too much, it’s saying too little. When we open our mouths and put our feet in, it gives us the opportunity to learn about other people. I think that’s valuable beyond measure, and worth risking ruffling a feather or two.

Pick Up the Phone: My friends and I are working to change the habit of hiding behind email and deciding to pick up the phone and call a little sooner than we used to. It certainly forges a getter connection.

Stay on Topic: I received a few responses to my Dixie Chicks press release from people who wanted to discuss the politics. I like using political examples because politics is a shared experience, but I don’t care for getting drawn into a political discussion when I make a communication point. This week I decided to set boundaries and stay on topic in my responses. When a woman wrote,” I would call your attention to the hysterical and venomous rhetoric of the left as well,” I felt a pull to get into a comparison of left and right, but resisted it. I explained that I wasn’t writing about the Dixie Chicks to say that the right is hysterical and venomous, and I was quite aware that the left has flaws, but that was tangential to my post. My point was a communication point that the Dixie Chicks spoke out of school, paid a price and landed on their feet, and I wanted to illustrate the concept that when we are true to our own opinions we may pay a price but ultimately gain more than we loose.

I found it freeing to choose not to get involved in a tangential discussion. I suggested that if I could help her with a communication issue, I would be happy to provide it.

Have a great week.

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PowerPhrase of the Week
Because We Are a Great Democracy People Have Their Views and They're Going to Express Them

Condi Rice spoke to the troops in Baghdad last week and expressed a sentiment dear to my heart and principles. She said;

A lot’s going on in Washington and … you’re hearing it. A lot’s going on because we are a great democracy. And people have their views and they’re going to express them. And some do not think that this was the right war to fight, and others think that we in the Administration haven’t fought this war quite right. By the way, all of them know that the sacrifice and the labor of our men and women here has been honorable.

And so when you hear the criticism of the war or the criticism of the President or of me or of anybody else, I do want you to know that to a person at home, your honor and your sacrifice and your labor is appreciated. People know what you’re doing and it’s appreciated across the board. I don’t care what people think of the policies; it’s appreciated across the board.

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I talk about how we are as healthy as the tings we can talk about in my book, PowerPhrases: The Perfect Words to Say it Right and Get the Results You Want

Poison Phrase of the Week
No

When Carla asked Melanie if she could borrow a book Melanie had recommended she read, Melanie replied,

- No. I don’t lend my books out, and I have several other friends who don’t lend theirs out either.

Melanie has every right to her own policy toward loaning things out, but by being so abrupt in her refusal, it felt like a diminishment of her friendship with Carla. When she brought in her friends, it felt like a pile on. This remark was also ironic since Melanie still had a book that Carla had loaned her years ago.

Learn how to say no in How to Use PowerPhrases.

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Ask Meryl
A Caustic Coworker

Meryl,

A new coworker puts me down and laughs it off as if it’s a joke. She bad-mouths me to others. She tries to make herself look good and me look bad. My supervisors talked to her once and it helped for a while but it didn’t last. They say I’m being too sensitive. Should I FACE the problem with her?

Meryl Responds

Nip the problem of how she talks to coworkers by asking them not to indulge but to suggest that she speak to you directly when it happens. Get some phrases ready for when she makes the comments around you. Say things like, “Ouch,” or “Ouch, that hurts,” or “(Name), be nice”. Or say, “That sounded like a dig. Was it?” When she says it was a joke, tell her you don’t enjoy jokes at your expense and leave it at that. Say something like that every time. Or say,

I know your intent is to be amusing, but I would enjoy our interactions more if I didn’t feel like you are taking pot-shots at me.

You could even say,
I feel defensive around you and I’d like to work with you to figure out how we can change that.

If this doesn’t work, you may have to have a larger discussion with her, but I’d start here.

Regarding being too sensitive, who can really say what is an appropriate level of sensitivity? I sometimes suggest that people let things go, but since this is an ongoing situation, I would love to see you learn to stand up for yourself in the moment. Just stay out of the combative mindset and stay open to the possibility that she is unaware of how she comes across and just might respond to a gentle request for better behaviors.

Comments

Learn how to handle gossip in my book PowerPhrases.

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Reader Success Story
Owning Her Own Life After Incest

I’m an incest survivor. I lived 20 years trapped in the terror of my realities that then gave way to my memories and the fear that my father could still hurt me. I feared at night I would still be accosted in my sleep while I lay helpless and unaware that I was being preyed on. The anxiety would rob me of my sleep. It would steal my sanity and my self-respect. It would limit my world until I was afraid to leave my house, afraid to be alone but afraid to be with people. It was the hell that my mind created for itself borrowing on the demons of my past.

A human can only go on like this for a moment before the soul devours itself – I broke. My nervous system crumbled. There was nothing left but a terrified child in a woman’s form waiting to die.

A tiny dot of my strength remained untarnished – unnoticed by the monsters in my body. Over time this strength started to build – it was so gradual that at first no one even noticed…it was a sly strength that was afraid to be seen too early, least it be stamped out.

When the strength started to be noticeable people around it didn’t like it. It was frightening. This woman who had been fragile and small was standing taller…something was happening that they couldn’t control and it frightened them. If they couldn’t control “it” then they couldn’t control me. And if they couldn’t control me then the secret wasn’t safe either.

My father tried different means to try to get into my head when I was still vulnerable and rebuilding but the supports that were in my life helped me keep him out of where he shouldn’t have been. After 6 months of this rebuilding, I finally came forward to my family and let them know what I had been through as a child. I wish I could say that it was a happy ending – it wasn’t and isn’t. But I took the first step in owning my life for the first time since I was 5 years old.

There are plenty of success stories in my book How to Use PowerPhrases.

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Issue 256
February 22, 2007

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