A PowerPhrase A Week From SpeakStrong Inc

This Week in the World
Realistic Emails Home from Iraq

A military commander stationed in Iraq told an NPR journalist that he encouraged his soldiers to be realistic about the level of danger they’re in when writing emails to their families. He said he’d lost three men, and the family that was aware of the danger of the mission handled their loss much better than those who heard sugar-coated reports.

Of course it made sense to me. It later occurred to me that the soldier who gave the most realistic reports probably had a family that was willing to hear the truth and the other two probably had families that encouraged sugar-coating.

I remember the first time I became aware that my father was leading his conversation with me in a way that made it difficult for me to express concerns, problems or issues. At that moment I realized that my tendency to only tell rosy tales was part of a family dynamic.

How about you? Do you make it easy for your family to be open with you? Or do you send subtle or not so subtle messages about what you want to hear?

Be sure to read this week’s success story. It’s a true testament to the power of truth in family dynamics. It's instructive as well as inspirational.

To post a comment in my blog, click here, scroll down to comments, click and post.

PowerPhrase of the Week
I'm Planning to Decide After I've Gotten the Facts, Not Before
Jill’s grandmother’s doctor told her that chemotherapy would decrease the likelihood of her cancer reoccurring by 15%. At 76, her grandmother wasn’t sure the payoff was worth it. Jill’s brother thought it unquestionably was. When her brother pressured her to support his opinion that her grandmother should take the treatment, Jill said,

I’m planning to decide what I think she should do after I’ve gotten the facts, not before.

In emotional times people often make emotional decisions. Jill was clear in maintaining a rational basis and resisting her brother’s emotional pressure.

When her brother became angry and attacking, Jill managed to remain calm in her response to him. He later offered an apology which Jill accepted by saying,

We never learned how to discuss differences without getting angry. I'd like for us to figure out how to do that.

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Be your own advocate. PowerPhrases: The Perfect Words to Say it Right and Get the Results You Want tells you how.

Poison Phrase of the Week
Don’t Give Her the Option of Not Doing the Chemo. I Want Her to Make Up Her Own Mind.

Jill’s grandmother wasn’t sure the benefits of chemotherapy justified the cost, but Jill’s brother insisted it was. Jill told her grandmother she would research the issue and give her the information. Her brother tried to get Jill to back off by saying,

- Don’t give her the option of not doing the chemo. I want her to make up her own mind.

I had a situation like this once, and found it interesting that the speaker thought that if I didn't share my opinion, it would allow the third party more freedom of choice.

Jill's brother also told her,

- You're always argumentative.

Jill's brother's words were an attempt to discredit her opinion by labeling it as argumentative rather than a legitimate concern.

As so often happens, he later apologized and confessed that he was actually angry with her about something else.

Learn more about word choice in How to Use PowerPhrases.

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Ask Meryl
No Question this Week

Reader Success Story
An Intervention

I had the ultimate Speak Strong event this week. My older sister, mother, younger sister’s husband, and a professional interventionist arrived unannounced and had an intervention on my alcoholic younger sister. We loosely followed the guidance of the book “Love First: Intervention for Alcoholism and Drug Addiction” (by the Jays) to write letters to her to read during the intervention.

The letters had three parts - tell what you love and miss about her, tell what alcohol has done to her and yourself, lay down the bottom line that you won’t support her addiction anymore.
It worked and she went off to a detox and rehab center for a 6 week in-patient program. She will be mad at us for a long time, but hopefully she will remember the kind words we started with when we were Speaking Strong.

An interesting thing the Dr. said that was there and prepped us, that the famous clinic where he used to work claimed that only 10% of the families considering intervention ever get organized enough to do it, but there is a 90% success rate to get the person help (either that day or later) after an intervention. That is the power of Speaking Strong.

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Reader Comments on Previous Newsletters

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Bathroom Rights

Medical Apartheid

Issue 269
May 7, 2007

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