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This Week in the World
A Communication Tale of Toilet Training Trauma
Toilet training generally holds little fascination
for those who are not dealing with it, yet I couldn’t get enough
detail when my friend Kay described her experience with her son Jordon. It
was a lesson in how vulnerable we can be to words.
Things were going well until Jordon had an accident
around his great-grandmother. Great-grandma said things that were shaming
and threatening. From that moment on, Jordon stopped using the toilet and
started holding his elimination, leading to constipation. He began to lie
about whether he needed to relieve himself or not, which led to a
completely new conversation among the family members.
What had started so well turned so bad because of a
few well-intended but poorly-considered words. How many of us still live
with consequences of careless words spoken when we were vulnerable? And
how many of us don’t even realize why we behave the way we do?
The tale reinforces my motto – “Speak as
if every word matters. It does.”
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PowerPhrase of the Week
Please Provide Me With Some Context
Okay, we’re both writers and wording experts,
so why weren’t Barbara McNichol and I coming up with dazzling
suggestions to improve a writing sample that was submitted by a
Persuasive Writing Telephone Seminar registrant?
Because we didn’t have a context for the
sample. So Barbara did something brilliant. She asked the submitter to:
- Please give me a bit of context. Who is the
proposal for? What is its objective?
The answer got our feedback process flowing.
There is still room available in our Persuasive
Writing teleseminar. While registration will remain open until conference
times (unless it fills up), the deadline for submitting a short sample of
your writing is today.
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Poison Phrase of the Week
You Need a Meeting
Sue’s father died last week. Her family seems
emotionally shut down through this process so Sue told her sister Joy that
she wasn’t going to pretend that acting like everything was normal
was a healthy reaction to the situation. Joy snapped back,
- You need a meeting.
This phrase has two problems. First, “you
need” is a Poison Phrase. Few people like hearing an uninvited
declarative of what they need.
The second problem is Joy used a harsh tone that
sent Sue the message – “You have a problem. You’re
broken. You need to be fixed.”
The suggestion itself actually was a good one. Joy
attends AA meetings, and Sue attends other 12-Step Program meetings. Both
women treasure the support they get at the meetings, and a meeting would
have been very therapeutic for Sue. But even a good suggestion can be a
Poison Phrase when spoken in a negative way with negative implications.
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Read the in-depth description of: How to Use
PowerPhrases.
Ask Meryl
The Case of the Barking Dog
We had dinner w/ some friends who are grappling with
a communication problem w/ their neighbors. They are retired and live next
door (in town homes) to friendly people who, unfortunately, have a small
barking dog. It's a yappy little thing that barks at anything and
everything, especially after 3:00 in the afternoon -- the retired couple's
siesta time -- when the kids come home from school and both parents are
still at work.
This retired couple is on good terms with their
neighbors -- although they're not close friends -- and they don't want to
rock the boat by saying something about the dog. They're afraid that if
they say something critical about the dog's behavior the neighbors may
politely listen but not do anything that would actually change the dog's
behavior. If the dog continues to bark, then what would they do next?
They're afraid the issue would escalate and damage their relationship with
those neighbors.
Meryl Responds
It sounds to me like they’re overthinking this
situation. I hear too many what-ifs that don’t give the neighbors
much credit. Your friends will have a better idea about follow-up once
they tell their neighbors about the problem and hear how they respond.
I’ve addressed the dog issue with two of my
neighbors and both neighbors adjusted to minimize the disruption. One even
bought me a present as an apology. Maybe I have exceptional neighbors, but
you don’t know who you’re dealing with until you try.
The best approach is to present it as a mutual
problem that needs a mutual solution.
- We have a problem with your dog’s barking.
Can we work together to see if we can find a solution?
If your friends offer solutions, all the better. I
offered to take my neighbors’ dogs with me on my daily hikes in an
attempt to tire them out. Both neighbors declined, but I was willing to do
it, and they appreciated it.
If they address the issue politely and the issue
escalates, write me again. It will be easier to decide what to do next
once we have a clearer idea of who we’re dealing with.
There's lots of information about how to communicate
up the ladder in PowerPhrases!. Enjoy the in-depth description here.
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Reader Success Story
Putting an End to Sarcasm
A peer of mine communicated very sarcastically to
everyone in our dept. In a recent meeting she was sarcastic and the bosses
accepted it as her normal behavior. Since they did not address it at the
meeting, I told her I did not appreciate the comment and suggested she was
unaware of how often she did it. Making her aware did the trick. She
stopped being sarcastic. No one would address her bad behavior. They just
accepted it. We now treat others respectfully.
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Reader Comments on Previous Newsletters
Click and scroll down for the latest posts.
Your Neglect
A Thoughtful Gesture
Customer Service Confrontation
Your Busy Season is Not My Problem
Because I Care (That's where you'll learn if I
misspelled guaranteed on purpose last week or not.)
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