A flair for the dramatic
She could push my buttons like no one else. Yet I went relatively untriggered during a four day visit last week.
I gained the awareness I needed to bridge our communication while preparing for my most recent teleseminar, How to Talk to Your Communication Opposite.
She didn’t change – I did. I listened with the awareness that she has a different communication style from mine. She’s more dramatic and figurative than I am. I decided to put my logic aside and to stop taking her so literally.
It was the best visit I remember ever. I look forward to the next.
Learn about how it all unfolded in my article: The Logician and the Dramatist: Learning How Not to React
What do you admire about each other?
Before diving into the issues, I asked Jack and Bonnie to tell me,
-
What do you admire about each other?
Both were able to come up with several things they admired. It softened the discussion of the areas of disagreements to know they both recognized positive qualities in each other.
The nature of the beast
Fern’s office was the last stop in production before the
product went out to the client. Because the sales department over-promised,
she was often faced with unrealistic deadlines. When Fern went to her
general manager to tell her a deadline was impossible, the manager said,
- That’s the nature of the beast.
The manager turned and walked away without waiting for a response.
Fern found the remark dismissive.
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Read the in-depth description of: |
Casual dress
A newer coworker friend dresses too casually. The boss told him to upgrade, but it had no effect. How can I suggest he dress more professionally without hurting his feelings? He comes from a very casual industry.
Meryl Responds
If the boss already told him, he knows and it’s his call not
to comply. Still, if you’re concerned that his attire will limit his
success, it might be worth risking offending him. I’d say,
* I know you know about our dress code and I’m concerned it
will come back to bite you that you don’t follow it. I’m
curious, why don’t you dress according to code?
You can decide from his response if you want to emphasize the value of it
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There's lots of information about how to communicate up the
ladder in PowerPhrases. |
Reader Success Story
No more hate speech
My boss was on yet another rant about a particular ethnic group and why "They will be irrelevant in ten years" and how such and such political candidate should just tell this ethnic group to "Go F&@# themselves" and . . . You get the drift.
I have had it with this kind of talk. I've told him before, several times that I don't appreciate this kind of language or this kind of hate-talk. He is a professional, who prides himself on his professionalism. Where does this kind of behavior fit into the image of a professional? GGGrrrrrrr.
On Thursday in mid-rant, I slammed my hand down on my desk and stood up. I looked him in the eye and said, "I've asked you before not to use that kind of language or hate-talk around me. I won't listen to it." Then I picked up my keys and my purse and started to edge around him to leave the office. He was too shocked to speak, but he didn't move out of the way. While we were standing there (in a little stare-down), a consultant who works in our office walked up and started to tell an off-color joke. I looked directly at my boss and said, "It's because you use the language you do, that he feels comfortable telling jokes like this. I won't listen to this." I left for an early lunch and didn't return until after 1:30. My boss was waiting at his desk to apologize.
I think my point is that, in the past I had been asking him to stop. By taking active steps, standing up and picking up my purse and keys, I declared that I wouldn't listen. I was taking away his audience. When he saw the consultant mimicking his behavior and I attributed it directly to his own words, I believe he saw the light. My leaving was just the punctuation. I don't like confrontation and I'm embarrassed to say that I didn't feel strong enough to hang around after making my point. I sort of feel like I pulled a punch-and-run. If I was able to make this one tiny change in my workplace, I'll be happy. Thanks again for the courage.
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Reader Comments on Previous Newsletters
Blog post of the week: here
Restating the original question can be a tool for staying on track. But it won’t address the underlying cause of the deflecting strategy - which I think is usually fear. In this scenario, it sounds like the contractor already feels responsible for the delay, and hasn’t figured out how to fix all the resulting scheduling conflicts, even though they may not be his fault. He may be fearful of lost respect from the client, or an emotional scene with the client. He may be fearful of long term lost professional reputation or even lost revenue. A threat to someone’s ability to make a living is serious, even if it’s an imaginary threat. I have found a direct response to the underlying fear, if I can identify it, said in a kindly but firm tone, can be more useful. Something like “I’m not blaming you, Bob. I know you can’t control everything that affects timeframes. I was just trying to get a more realistic idea of when I could plan __________ for this room.”
-Kathleen
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Issue
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Aug 28, 2007 |
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