Tailhook, gender talk and sexual harassment
Were you at Tailhook 1991 or do you know someone who was? (Tailhook 1991 was a navy convention that was investigated for sexual harassment incidents.) A friend went to this year's, and was told that the 1991 scandal was overblown and sensationalized.
I've been asking around, and while most suggest that coverage might have been sensationalized and whatever did or didn't happen at Tailhook in 1991, sexual harassment in the military was rampant in the 80's and early 90's. (It still exists, but not in the way it did then. Read one female soldier's powerful eye-opening post to learn how how things were for those who paved the way. I am grateful to my reader for sharing her story. I invite you to add yours in the comments.
And if you were at Tailhook 1991 or know someone who was - please share the inside scoop.
Speaking of gender issues, there
were fabulous posts last week about gender
communication on the blog.
And speaking of fabulous posts, there were moving stories about how 9/11 changed things for people.
And, speaking of change, since I had my blog redesigned, I've been posting as I feel inspired. Check in when you've got some surfing moments.
Inter-generational conflict
Everything I teach about intergenerational conflict is wrong - or at least could be reframed. I read the book Retiring the Generation Gap before conducting diversity training on a military base last week. The book claims that...well, read my book review here to learn all about it.
I will say this - we found the thesis of the book to be accurate
and the information very helpful at the training.
Retiring the Generation Gap Book Review
What happens if you don't do anything
Colleen Stanley is an excellent sales trainer. She knows about the power of questions. For example, Stanley recommends raising objections before the prospect does by asking questions about them.
Say your prospect has the option of using in-house staff rather than hiring you. While you may prefer to avoid reminding them of that, you are better off if you ask about it first. Ask:
-
Why don’t you use your internal team?
This way, you can address the pros and cons and have a meaningful dialog that is more likely to get you the business.
I like Stanley’s call to action question:
-
What happens if you don’t do anything?
Contrast guiding by asking questions to pushing by telling them what you think. Questions allow people to discover for themselves - and you might learn some things in the process too.
You don’t have to be a sales professional to discover the value of questions. Last week, when someone was heaping blame on the wrong person, I remembered my questions, and instead of arguing I started asking about what they were saying. We came to understanding.
Colleen's book Growing Great
Sales Teams
comment
Bonus PowerPhrase: feedback questions
To get good answers, you need to ask good questions. My blog coach, Shonnie Lavender did just that, in her services feedback form.
Ten, nine, eight...
Last week the Broncos won against the Buffalo Bills with a field goal, literally without a second to spare. They set the kick up in ten seconds - five less than it usually takes.
The Bronco’s Kicker, Elam, said he knew exactly how much time he had because the Bills fans were counting down in unison.
Interesting how we sometimes send signals we don’t know we’re sending. Had Elam not known exactly how much time remained, he might have set the kick up more carefully and come in one second too late.
Of course, since I’m from Colorado, I don’t mind in this case…
Bonus Poison Phrases
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Read the in-depth description of: |
I'm with him
Hi Meryl,
Today I read your article about re-railing the de-railed discussion. What do you do about someone who won’t talk at all?
My marriage broke up 6 years ago due to my ex-husband’s bi-polar disorder. His financial shenanigans cost my parents a great deal of money in legal fees. For the past 2 years, I have been dating a wonderful man who is very good to me and to my three children. My mother has never bothered to get to know him. Instead, she literally ignores him.
He is a South-Georgia country boy who did not finish his college education. He is currently back in school pursuing an undergraduate degree in Paralegal Studies. My mother is extremely conscious of money and status, so John is unsuitable in her view. Mother’s extreme rudeness to him has forced me to choose between her and John. I seldom see my parents now. This is causing emotional pain to my children, especially to my oldest son.
Mom is the adult child of an alcoholic, and is extremely controlling and critical. How can I communicate with someone like this?
Any insights would be greatly appreciated.
Meryl responds,
I had a good friend who was diagnosed bi-polar, and, boy did that explain a lot! She managed it pretty well, but she would drop in and out of my life. Actually, she still does now, 25 years later.
Congrats on finding someone who is really suitable and not just on-paper suitable.
To be able to advise you well, I would need more detail:
1) What kind of things did she say that keeps you from visiting?
2) Does she live nearby? Can you and/or the kids see her without
John?
3) Have you had any direct conversations with your mother about
it?
If I know what she said, I can suggest ways to respond to
comments.
If I know the demographics I can suggest workarounds.
If I know what conversations you’ve had about her attitude
toward him, I can suggest what conversations you could have.
Based on what it sounds like to me now, I’d say,
• Mom, I’d like to be able to have you AND John in my life. I
know you don’t approve and I’m not asking you to. I am asking
you to be polite to him. Until you can promise to be gracious to him, I
can’t come visit.
I once cut my own mother off for six months because I found her too caustic to be around. It was hard, but when she came back into my life, we got along great.
I suspect had I had the communication skills then that I do now, I could have set my boundaries without the hiatus. I didn’t, so I needed the more extreme measure of staying away from a dynamic I found toxic. Hopefully you won’t have to be as drastic.
Bonus Ask Meryls
A vegetarian in a meat-eater's world
 |
There's lots of information about how to communicate up the
ladder in PowerPhrases. |
Reader Success Story
A Lithuainian toast
This summer my Mom & I vacationed in Lithuania, my
ancestral homeland.
I know very little of the language and customs of this small country, but
was eager to learn as much as possible. In a tiny village near my
Grampa’s hometown, I received quite a lesson.
The owners of the B&B where we stayed wanted to show us
some hospitality by way of a ceremonial toast to new friends, involving
homemade juniper brandy, berry tea, and candy. We were delighted at the
chance to get to know our hosts. Jurga, who is bilingual, explained the
ritual, and acted as translator between her Mom and us. Everyone was to
drink three shots, in unison. Afterward we were to sip the tea and nibble
the chocolate. I seldom drink alcohol, but joined in for the first shot.
It was ok, but I refused the second shot, saying “I’m
done drinking, but I’ll still be your friend.” I was
good-naturedly admonished because it is such a mild, healthy, homemade
beverage. Jurga also said, “If you don’t drink it, you cannot
be our friend. This is the custom in our region.”
Thankfully there was a pause as she translated for her Mom so I
had a brief moment to think. My usual conflict-avoidance reaction would be
to drink or pretend to drink and go with the flow while silently
seething.
Conversely, I wanted to take offense, refuse to drink and
explain to them how rude they were being. But something from these weekly
communication emails must be sinking in. I calmly said “I know
I’m in your country, but in MY country if you force me to do
something against my will, you cannot be my friend. Now how can we bridge
this gap?”
Again a pause for translation and for me to collect myself. Had I actually said that out loud? I saw quiet approval as my Mom’s eyes met mine. Diplomacy prevailed as heads nodded in agreement that the goal was to find common ground. I felt an air of honesty and acceptance of divergent ways of being polite. Definitely a win-win situation. I raised my empty glass in spirit for the second and third toasts, then ate more than my share of chocolate. Lively conversation ensued regarding eating and drinking habits, overindulgence, and international relations.
Labai aciu!
Thank-you so much
Reader Comments on Previous Newsletters
Blog post of the week: difficulty in communicating with women
Tough call this week - but here you go ~ thanks Cindy, for your selection
Talk about weapons of mass destruction - the human tongue has toppled empires and shaped history. Let’s face it. Sometimes we are just stupid about what we say. The rules of etiquette from earlier times were designed to help people make their way through the quagmire of human ego and sensitivity. Like not talking about politics or religion. Like speaking to folks more formally until invited to do otherwise. Surely this guy knows that different men are attracted to different looking female figures? So why would he assume HIS taste would be the standard for all society?
On a lighter note, I can really empathize. In my younger “come hither” days, I was anxious for a more intimate level of friendship with a young man, and I - based on my own insensitivity, inexperience, and presumptiveness - made what I thought were light hearted comments about certain aspects of his way of dressing and what I thought they revealed about his personality. Turns out I had touched on a very vulnerable spot in his personal struggles, and the next time I saw him a few yards away on a busy campus, he actually turned the other way to avoid me. I’d rather he would have slapped me. But I certainly learned my lesson about commenting on anyone’s appearance. For all but my nearest and dearest, and then only when specifically asked, I limit my comments to universally positive and non specific adjectives these days. Which seems to work well, so far.
Any by the way, some of those etiquette books are still available, and still effective.
Thanks, Kathleen!
Blog comments:
Difficulty communicating with women
Vegetarian in a meat-eater's world
Blog format and new book title feedback request Lots of comments
911 changed everything Powerful comments
Can’t argue with a picture (skimpy outfit story)
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Issue
285
September 18, 2007 |
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To express yourself both powerfully &
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