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This Week in the World
People "Paid it Forward" at
Starbucks
Did you read about the chain of people who paid for the coffee for the cars behind them last week? It started with a Tai Chi master who wanted to “change the consciousness” of the hostile customer behind him. Iit worked so well, the good will was passed on all day. The man who started it said, “I wanted to take something negative and turn it into something positive.”
That’s actually the point of SpeakStrong. Of course there are times to set boundaries and say - “This doesn’t work for me,” but even that is best done with a sense of kindness. It’s a verbal “Pay it forward” philosophy.
Unite and Concur
Did you miss my newsletter last week? I’ve been writing intensely. I’m taking on the big one. My new book applies SpeakStrong techniques to our political conversations. It’s not a political book – it’s a communication book about how to have reasonable and productive political dialog. I’m very excited about it.
The title is: From divide and conquer to…Unite and Concur: How to Stop Arguing and Start Communicating with Your Political Opposite. At least, that’s the title today…
I will create a separate newsletter for Unite and Concur, but for now, I have a challenge for you. If you’re spending the holidays with someone you disagree with politically, notice your own resistance to what they say. For now, don’t correct them, contradict them or try to convince them of anything. Instead, consider the ways you stop listening. See if you can hear something you didn’t know, and try to find something you agree with them about.
This is a first step toward healthy political conversations. Actually, it’s a first step toward bridging any divide, so if some other topic divides you, put listening to work – and let me know how it worked for you.
I’ll be posting to my blog over the holidays and back to my usual newsletter format in the New Year.
This Week in the World comment
PowerPhrase of the Week
What would you guess we agree about on the topic?
After years of hostile political conversations, Kelly decided she wanted to change the dynamic between herself and her friend Tom, so they could stop arguing and start communicating.
Tom asked Kelly what she thought about illegal immigration. She asked him,
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What would you guess we agree about on the topic?
That question started the conversation based on agreement. They discovered that they had far more in common than they knew, they were able to share information with each other, and they discussed differences without hostility.
Tom said, “I like agreeing better.”
Use the agreement approach to set the tone for other topics besides politics.
Poison Phrase of the Week
You sound angry
After spending hours enjoying a website created by a psychologist I'll call Ellie, I found a post that characterized one public figure as Buddha and another as Abuser. I read the responses of her readers with interest. Several commenters objected to her comparisons. I found Ellie's response defensive in general, and was surprised when she dismissed two comments by saying, “You sound angry. I wonder what it’s really about.”
To me, the objections sounded reasoned, not angry. But even if they were angry, I found it irresponsible for a psychologist to dismiss anger directed toward her as if it had nothing to do with her.
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Read the in-depth description of: |
Meryl,
My roommate and I have a problem with volume. When I or our third roommate have people over, we talk quietly, using "inside voices." When she invites over guests, they are anything but. The house is small and even upstairs behind closed doors loud sounds from downstairs are annoying and distracting, and, frankly, nervous-making. One option would be to insist on a no-visitors policy, but visitors per se is not the real issue -- it's volume. I guess I want to say simply that she and her guests talk too loud; unfortunately, I'm afraid that sounds like a personal affront. Consequently, I haven't had the courage to say anything.
The other night she mentioned some friends of hers were going to be
coming over for dinner in fifteen minutes. Since I happened to be on my way
out anyway, I didn't say anything, but I do feel that at some point I have
to address this. It's making me depressed and nervous in the house even when
nobody is over.
I deeply respect you and the advice you give and am hoping you can
take time to give this one a reply.
Meryl responds
In my new book I use roommates as an example of how to discuss an issue as a shared problem rather than saying the other person is the problem.
Your shared problem is figuring out how to entertain guests in a way that works for both of you.
Your roommate might not mind if you were to use your "outside voices" on the inside, and she might be disturbed by something you do that wouldn’t bother you if she did it.
Your roommate’s guests aren’t too loud – they’re just louder than you’re comfortable with.
So I would say,
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(Name,) I find myself tensing up when you have guests because I’m uncomfortable with how loud they are. I know you’re having fun and I don’t want to rain on your parade, but I’m wondering if you and they can tone it down or we can work something else out that works for both of us.
You need to say something or resentment will build. If you roommate is reasonable she’ll be willing to work it out with you. And if she’s not, you’ll find out by trying.
Do you have a communication question? You can Ask Meryl.
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There's lots of information about how to communicate |
Reader Success Story
Honey do - but not today
I recently removed steps for a balcony. When my wife saw it, she commented on the bare patch it exposed and a number of other things that needed repair. Here’s how I heard it: "This is unsatisfactory and I want it fixed now."
Later, when we were not so wound up, I said "We had
problems earlier today and I need to explain what I did. I get wound up when
I have done a job and you talk about the things you want done, because I
feel under pressure to do it immediately, and I am just not prepared to do
it right then. I say, 'Yes I will, but not today' to acknowledge that I see
it as needing to be done in a time frame. I am not getting defensive; I am
being emotionally neutral and resolving the thing so we both have the job
acknowledged properly."
Silence.
Later, my sweetheart was talking about something she would like to
see done. She paused, looked at me, and said with a smile "But not
today". Now we discuss things to be done and they are "Not today
jobs" and "today jobs". There is a happy interaction because
we now separate the jobs from the timetable and as long as I acknowledge the
job needs doing, she is usually happy for me to put it on the list and do it
as I prioritize all the jobs.
Reader Comments on Previous Newsletters
Blog comments:
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Issue
297
December 19, 2007 |
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We will respond with our best suggestions. We may publish your question and response anonymously unless you request that we only respond privately. We appreciate your feedback on our response. If we publish your question, be sure to check Meryl's Blog for further suggestions from our readers.
SpeakStrong Definition
To express yourself both powerfully &
effectively;
to say what you mean,
mean what you say,
without being mean
when you say it.