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This Week in the World
The power of tears, anger and getting out of your head
My recent article Constructive Anger: How to SpeakStrong when you're seeing red received hundreds of hits and scores of forwards. Last week’s The Secret Power of Tears has broken all records for popular articles.
If your emotions or someone else's ever feel like the tornado the cub scouts faced in Iowa last week, read these articles and pass them on.
If you stifle emotions instead of manage them you’ll shut down your passion, and with it, your strength and power.
You know you're intellectualizing when...
Many people respond intellectually to situations where an emotional response would be more appropriate. (The opposite is also true, of course.) I'd like your help with my latest list: You know you're intellectualizing when...
1. You know you're intellectualizing when someone writes you a love poem and you point out a misplaced comma.
2. You know you're intellectualizing when you explain why the rainbow is so colorful and forget to admire its beauty.
3. You know you're intellectualizing when you tell a woman in childbirth "your labor pains are interesting sensations worthy of all your attention."
4. You know you're intellectualizing when someone tells you they lost their house and you give advice without ever acknowledging their loss.
Your turn. Please head to the blog and post your "You know you're intellectualizing when..." contributions. (We'll explore: "you know you're dramatizing when..." next week.)
A World of truth flash movie
While you’re on my site, watch A World of Truth. One of my readers just emailed me to say it gave her goose bumps. I wrote a post on my Unite and Concur blog around it, called Dare to desire.
Play to win-win: coming soon
In the weeks to come, I will offer teleseminars again. Stay posted for the first one - Play to win-win. It will be free to those who are taking the Say What You Mean eCourse.
General This week in the world comments here
Intellectualizing comments here
"A PowerPhrase is as strong as it needs to be and no stronger."
- Meryl Runion
PowerPhrase of the Week
With all the people you could be spending your life with, thanks for choosing me.
PowerPhrases aren’t just about pointing out what’s wrong or letting people know what isn’t working. It is just as important to use PowerPhrases to express love, appreciation and gratitude. Great managers know that they get better results when they consistently let their employees know how much they appreciate them. And great friends and lovers (and newsletter readers) take the time to acknowledge each other too.
Imagine someone you love saying to you,
- With all the people you could be spending your life with, thanks for choosing me.
The fact is, letting someone into your heart and life is a huge decision and shold be acknowledged as such.
Acknowledgment is powerful. I know I appreciated my reader taking the time to tell me about the goose bumps she experienced when she watched A World of Truth. So think of how you want to acknowledge the people in your life. And do it.
Unite and Concur tells you how to reach agreement on contentious issues. It's not just for political discussions: it can guide you through all your challenging conversations.
Stop arguing and start communicating now.
Poison Phrase of the Week
No
Meryl,
I recently overheard a telephone conversation between my colleague (A) and someone (B) from another department, and have since been wondering whether a reply of No is a poison or a power phrase.
I heard A's side of the conversation. B asked A to give a presentation. (This is not a role A is normally expected to do, ie. is not part of his job description). His reply was a simple
"No".
He was perfectly polite, but did not give any reasons for declining. B asked in a surprised tone "No?" , and A replied "no" again. B asked "is there anyone else who could do it?" and A replied "you could ask xxx" (the manager). B then asked another person in the department (not the manager) who also declined but gave a reason.
Since then, A said that B seems to have taken offence and is now ignoring him. A told me "I could have fluffed it out e.g. say I was too busy - but I didn't want her to get the impression I would do it in the future".
I'm in 2 minds (but leaning towards no. 1):
1. It was a power phrase because he said what he meant, meant what he said, but wasn't mean when he said it.
2. It was a poison phrase because B took offence.
What do you think - was his simple "no" a poison or a power phrase?
Meryl responds:
A PowerPhrase is as long as it needs to be and no longer. Your colleague’s response is so short that it comes across as blunt and abrupt. When relationships are at all personal in nature, as it is among colleagues, that can destroy good will.
While he shouldn’t err on the side of explanations to the point of self-justification, a simple,
- Thanks for asking. My main job responsibilities keep me too busy to take on presentations, so I’ll decline.
…is clear without coming across like a bucket of cold water.
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Ask Meryl
Telemarketer tribulations
Meryl
It seems like telemarketers are constantly calling my house soliciting donations. I respect the people who are placing the calls, and often I respect the charities they represent. However my husband and I have specific charities we have selected to donate to, and it is not in our budget to add new charities to our list. When I try to explain this, it seems that the telemarketers take that as an invitation to dialogue, and they continue to try to persuade me until I'm forced to be more blunt.
I'd like to come up with something short and sweet that respects the telemarketer and his/her organization, but leaves no room for continued discussion. Any ideas?
Meryl responds
They've been trained to treat anything you say as an invitation to dialogue, and to take advantage of your desire to be polite - even when someone is being disrespectful to you. Even if the cause is a good one, you don't have an obligation to justify your decision.
Say,
- I'm not interested, and please take me off your list.
If you want to add
- I respect what you do, but I won't be adding you to my charity list
you can, but you really don't need to. Even if the cause is worthy, at this point they're playing a power game, and if you are invested in playing a heart game, they'll be able to manipulate you. Just be courteous in your directness.
Usually when I ask to be removed from a list, they stop talking. But whether they stop or not, I consider the conversation over and hang up.
Do you have a communication question? You can Ask Meryl.
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There's lots of information about how to communicate |
Reader Success Story
It is possible to get managers to listen to feedback
I wanted to follow up on my email to you.
I had my meeting with the managers of our team regarding the results of a recent survey I conducted. I asked questions about what challenges the team faced in their jobs, as well as their thoughts about the management of our group. I am happy to say that I was pleasantly surprised at how smoothly this meeting went.
I opened the meeting by saying:
- I received some honest feedback that we'll go through one by one. As we go through these responses, I'd like you to remember that the feedback represents how these folks feel and how they perceive a situation or challenge. There are no right or wrong answers as these responses represent their feelings. I'm excited about the honesty of their answers.
- Based on how some of these responses are worded, as well as what some of the folks specifically said, you may know who responded in a particular way. Again, I ask you to do your best to dismiss trying to figure out who-said-what and just focus on what they said.
During my informal presentation, there was a lot of silence and note-taking -- which I feel was their way of absorbing what was being discussed and documenting what they felt were possible resolutions.
After the presentation, my manager asked the team, "Well, how do you all feel about this?" One manager started saying something like, "You know, I'm really sick and tired of all this griping and I know who said the majority of these comments and she always...". The Director of the group (who was one of the people I initially anticipated a lot of resistance from) interrupted her and said (calmly and quietly), Stop... we're here to look at the answers and not judge the people... these are important and a lot of them are right-on. We need to figure out how to fix this.
WOW
We continued with an open and honest discussion, and ended with action items and next steps. It was such a successful meeting. Thanks again, Meryl, for your words of guidance.
Comments here.
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Issue
313
June 19, 2008 |
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Ask Meryl
We will respond with our best suggestions. We may publish your question and response anonymously unless you request that we only respond privately. We appreciate your feedback on our response. If we publish your question, be sure to check Meryl's Blog for further suggestions from our readers.
SpeakStrong Definition
To express yourself both powerfully &
effectively;
to say what you mean,
mean what you say,
without being mean
when you say it.