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Clean out your verbal and emotional closets
I couldn’t stand it any longer – I have way too much stuff and I had to get rid of some. The time had come to clean my closets.
I started by pulling out a thing or two here and there. That wasn’t getting me the purge I needed, so I change my approach. I pulled everything out and only “invited” what I really wanted back in. As a result, about half of my things are ready to go to charity. I love the new found room in my closets.
Why not do the same thing with your emotional and communication choices? Why not throw out all your habitual responses, and only allow the ones that serve you back in?
I did this many years ago. I decided that my use of sarcasm, victim language and self-depreciation had to go, along with the emotions that fueled them. With those habitual responses (pretty much) out of the way, my communication and emotional “closets” were quite bare. I didn't have a lot of emotions left to “wear.” I've been building a quality emotional and communication “wardrobe” ever since.
What communication and emotional responses should you purge? And if you do, what would you replace them with? If you couldn't, say, strike out in anger, what would you do instead? If you couldn't, say, take a comment personally, what would you do instead? It's a great exercise that could transform the way you operate. And speaking of transforming habits, I have a teleseminar coming up that will help with communication closet cleaning.
Oct 8 Teleseminar: Boundaries, Resolve and True Power: How to Mean What You Say
"Say what you mean and mean what you say without being mean when you say it" is a three-pronged approach to communication. It takes all three prongs to be effective. If you say what you mean without being mean, but come across like you don’t mean it or if you back down, you’re not Speaking Strong.
Speak like you mean it, set clear boundaries that win respect, and protect the power of your words by backing your words up with action. Join me next week in a one hour teleseminar to learn how to make sure that when you speak, you mean it and others know you mean it.
~ October 8th ~
2 PM Eastern, 1 PM Central, 12 PM Mountain, 11AM Pacific
Only: $14.95, and no charge to those who are registered for the 52 week Say What You Mean eCourse.
This Week in the World comment
"If you express your idea like you don’t believe in it, why would anyone else believe it?" ~ Meryl Runion
PowerPhrase of the Week
Male nurse? Last time I checked
I spoke to the Emergency Nurses Association last week, where I emphasized the need to plan phrases for common situations. I spoke about Code White, which is an agreement among nurses that when physicians are verbally abusive within earshot, they gather around and just watch. The attention makes the abuser conscious and it quiets them.
I mentioned the comment, “You’re so smart, why didn’t you become a doctor?” and an audience member suggested the reply,
- You just answered your own question.
I shared my husband’s standard response to the question, "Are you a male nurse?” which is:
- Last time I checked.
Whatever your line of work, chances are you face the same communication challenges on a regular basis. Why not take some time and prepare phrases to use?
A huge issue for nurses is the fact that medical emergencies that are routine for them are not routine for the patients. Sometimes nurses need to remind each other:
- She's scared. You're supposed to be a healer, and she needs your compassion.
I will be writing an article about PowerPhrases for Nurses. If you’re in healthcare and have favorite phrases, let me know.
Poison Phrase of the Week
A great job of...
It was a powerful presentation to a great group of women, and they were right there with me as I spoke. I listened attentively when the organizer slowly...and deliberately...told me:
- I want to thank you and acknowledge you...of all the speakers I've had...you've done the best job...better than anyone else I've had in...a really great job and most people don't...a fabulous job of...ending on time.
I am glad she appreciated my timeliness, but I confess: that wasn't the kind of praise I expected after her build-up.
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Say What You Mean eCourse Register now for the Say What You Mean eCourse and attend the bonus How to Say What You Mean Teleseminars. |
Meryl,
I received your newsletter today – thanks! I had a question for you please – where are the acupressure points for stopping tears? I had never heard of such a thing. And your example of the person who used it to stop a habit – I found that intriguing. I actually had never heard of that before either! Tears as a habit – not so far fetched, but somehow I just didn’t think of that as a possible operating system for someone – as a habit rather than as a simple manipulation.
Meryl Responds:
It’s in the webbing between the thumb and pointing finger – right where the muscle starts.
I don’t recommend suppressing tears as a rule, but the techniques work well when you need them.
I definitely think crying can be a habit – particularly for women. When I was a child, when I got angry, I’d feel heat rising up in me and when it got to my heart, I’d get feint of heart and collapse into tears. If the emotion made it past my heart, it would get stuck in my throat. But I usually didn’t let the words get far enough for me to choke on them. I played it safe, and crying felt safer.
And, sure, I used it manipulatively because I didn’t have the skills to be direct. Getting the skills to approach things directly – and techniques like the web/forefinger can help purge out-dated habits.
It becomes physiological – and happens without awareness. It probably was a useful strategy when I was young and expressing anger would have gotten me metaphorically clobbered. But even once I had other options, the habit stayed with me. So anything that helps people practice a different behavior helps create new pathways for more choice.
Do you have a communication question? You can Ask Meryl.
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There's lots of information about how to communicate |
Reader Success Story
Discretionary time
I used your suggestion involving the phrase “I have XX amount of discretionary hours this week…” with much success. I enjoy your newsletters and blog, thank you for continuing to write and speak with passion, clarity and grace.
Reader Comments
Don't go getting all emotional on me (I posted a number PowerPhrases to use in emotional situations in response to the comment.)
Issue
325 October 1, 2008 |
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We will respond with our best suggestions. We may publish your question and response anonymously unless you request that we only respond privately. We appreciate your feedback on our response. If we publish your question, be sure to check Meryl's Blog for further suggestions from our readers.
SpeakStrong Definition
To express yourself both powerfully &
effectively;
to say what you mean,
mean what you say,
without being mean
when you say it.