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This Week in the World
Communication sensitivities
Last week I told my friend Richelle what foods I'm allergic to and summed it up by telling her, "It's tough to be such a sensitive critter, but it does help that at least I know what I'm sensitive to."
Yes, it helps to know about food sensitivities – and it also helps to know about verbal sensitivities. What will throw one person into a tizzy will go unnoticed by or present no challenge to another. For example, I recently cringed when “Sue” pressured “Jake” for a favor. I reacted, but Jake didn't miss a beat. He said,
- Please respect my decision and don’t try to coerce me into doing something I choose not to.
Jake and Sue moved on to another topic, and were as friendly as ever after that.
I wouldn’t have been as cool. When people I care about pressure me, it feels physical. I often react as if I can only comply or resist. Jake did neither. He isn’t as sensitive to coercion as I am.
Another dynamic I'm sensitive to is the suggestion that if I can't clearly identify why I'm upset, my grievance is not legitimate. That shuts me down fast - but not like it shut me down before I discovered the sensitivity. And I watch myself whenever someone starts a comment with "you." My muscles tense automatically to brace me for what's next.
The more familiar you become with the kinds of communication you're sensitive to, the more able you will be to respond instead of react. Be sure you can digest what you ingest.
If my next point doesn’t make sense to you, ignore it. If it does, this might be one of the most useful posts I’ve written.
How Kinesthetics process communication
I'm kinesthetic. I evaluate things by feeling. I’ll say, “That hit me wrong,” or “What she said doesn’t feel right,” or “I was touched by his words.” I often assess PowerPhrases and Poison Phrases by scanning my body’s response. That can be a useful discernment tool – but last weekend I realized it comes at a price. Here’s what happened.
Sensitivities at a conference
My friend Ahriana Platten and I spoke at and attended a Human Empowerment Conference in Chicago last weekend. Overall it was a transformative and inspiring event, but like all conferences, it had some tedious moments. One session had me crying from sweetness at the beginning, and had me shut down by the end. After a half hour, I felt weak, blocked and anxious. I went to my room to exercise to get my balance back.
Ahriana agreed with my observations about the session, but she didn ’t take it in her body to evaluate it. She noted that the speaker started speaking from his heart, moved to ego, became very intellectual at times and spoke coercively at other times. Instead of running the speaker's words through her body to discern a reaction, she paid attention to his body language and wording. That gave her a basis to decide what to let in to feel and what to keep out. As a result, Ahriana didn’t take the hit from the talk that I did. In fact, she was able to enjoy the talk that my reaction closed me to.
I spent the rest of the conference learning everything I could from Ahriana so I can enjoy the beauty without ingesting the poison.
My kinesthetic friends are as excited about this information as I am, because it means we don’t have to take in poison. We can avoid ingesting things that don’t nourish us – but let the things in that do.
Can you imagine how transformative that skill can be? It’s like discovering that you’re allergic to milk without having to drink it to find out.
What are you sensitive to? How do you know? Are you a human sponge who absorbs everything? Or are you a dried up sponge that has been so poisoned that you take nothing in?
I’d love to hear your experiences, and I’ll update you about my explorations.
This Week in the World Comment
Obama win
I'm sure most of my readers won't be surprised to know that I'm happy with the election results. Some of my joy is because I believe this will return us to reasonable dialogue. I'm also happy because Obama speaks to empower citizens.
People come up at the end of my seminars to ask for favors, feeling they've received permission by my SpeakStrong platform. Whether I walk my talk or not, my message inspires them to advocate for their interests. No matter how Obama governs, his platform has awakened a sense of purpose in so many citizens. I look forward to logical fallacies being challenged, facts being checked and an emergent language of consensus.
Obama pledged to listen to voices that disagree. He has talked the walk and now we'll see how he walks the talk. We'll do that by listening too - and holding him and ourselves to the standard he has set for us.
"A good compromise, a good piece of legislation, is like a good sentence; or a good piece of music. Everybody can recognize it. They say, 'Huh. It works. It makes sense.'"
Barack Obama
PowerPhrase of the Week
Thank you for sharing your loss
When you speak on a personal level, you can feel vulnerable. There’s always a risk that someone will respond to a sensitive revelation in an insensitive way. That’s why I took notes when a gentleman shared that his wife had just miscarried, and one of the people in the room responded by saying,
- Thank-you for sharing your loss.
What a gift it is to share your heart, and what a gift it is when someone acknowledges that sharing in such a sensitive way.
It’s just as important to acknowledge it when someone risks telling you that you did something that hurt them. A friend recently told me,
- Thanks for addressing this. I want you to know that I care about your heart and I’m sorry that I hurt it.
The first time she told me that, I knew I had found a long term friend. Safety in communication is sweet indeed.
Poison Phrase of the Week
You wouldn't be interested
When I asked Nick about a talk he was giving, he replied,
- You wouldn't be interested.
That was for me to determine.
Bonus Poison Phrase on SpeakStrong in Love
• Performance
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Ask Meryl
When the boss side-talks
Meryl,
I attended a seminar of yours several years ago, and I still look forward to the news letter every week to learn new tips. I have a question on how to handle a work situation.
My manager has recently asked me to take more leadership of our team. One of the responsibilities is to run our weekly staff meeting. My manager is very social, and he will often start a side conversation with other members of the team, keeping them from hearing what we are currently discussing. My reaction has been to just stop talking and interrupt them to say, “Excuse me, I did not catch that? Did you have a question?” He will then look sheepish, and say, “Oh, sorry” but will do this again a few minutes later.
The last time this happened, I asked the person that he was talking to after the meeting alone what it was about, and they were chatting about the weekend. I told my manager that I view this as a lack of respect for me. If he is giving me the responsibility to run these meetings, then I need his support during the meetings. Is there another way that I can say this that can help him understand that while he may think it is okay to distract (because he is the manager), it is not the time nor the place. Also, is there a better way to interrupt the side chatter when it happens?
Thank you,
Meryl says,
I think you’re handling it fine and the fact that he doesn’t take offense at your reminders suggests he will be willing to work with you if you take it up a notch by being more direct.
Address it privately. Say,
- As the manager, people take their cues from you. I think you’re not aware of how disruptive your side talk is. Will you help me keep the focus by not having side conversations?
If you think it’s needed, you can also ask
- How should I handle it if you forget and start a side conversation?
Does this sound doable? Let me know – and send me a success story once you’ve spoken up.
Do you have a communication question? You can Ask Meryl.
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There's lots of information about how to communicate |
Reader Success Story
Negotiating with an ex
I read your book and get your emails to help me with work communication (I sell real estate). I am excited how speaking strong has helped in my personal life as well.
My husband's first wife is very loud, difficult and controlling. Because they have a son together, sometimes this creeps into my life. Recently, my step-son was having trouble in school and his mother wanted to take him out of football - insisted and demanded he be taken out of football actually. At our "family meeting" I actually spoke up and said:
Taking him out of sports has never motivated him to do better in school in the past and I don't believe it ever will. I feel that the purpose of these meetings is for you to force us to agree with the decisions you've already made. I will not agree to take him out of football and would like to discuss alternative ways to motivate him in school.
I'm happy to say my husband, and HERS, both agreed with me. I don't expect her to change her tune anytime soon, but I feel good that I stayed calm and spoke strongly in the face of her tirade. And he's still in football - so far.
Issue
327 Nov 6, 2008 |
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SpeakStrong Definition
To express yourself both powerfully &
effectively;
to say what you mean,
mean what you say,
without being mean
when you say it.