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This Week in the World
Pandora's box, closets and parole
A friend teased me about opening up a Pandora’s Box in a conversation, to which I playfully replied: “That’s what I do.” Some boats need to be rocked, and some boxes need to be opened and their contents need to be faced.
I opened a Pandora’s box this week when I decided to clean closets.
I thought it would be a mindless way to decompress after all my heavy intellectual focus. I forgot about the hundreds of decisions it requires me to make, and the history of bad decisions it forces me to admit to. “What was I thinking when I bought that?”
I’m fighting the temptation to hold on to things I’ll never use because to give them away would be to admit to bad judgment in buying them in the first place.
If I am this reluctant to acknowledge bad choices in something as benign as my wardrobe, imagine the reluctance to acknowledge choices and behaviors that cause harm. You see examples of it on reality TV: people argue the unarguable, deny the obvious and contradict themselves. They often lie even when the truth would get them a better result.
Admitting error is the first step to keep from making the same mistake again. Even on trivial matters like that skirt I bought on sale, it helps to understand what I was thinking at the time, why it was a poor choice, and what a better choice would have been. For bigger matters, that understanding is critical.
This week’s question is about how to speak to a parole board after serving many years for a serious crime. This is a life-changing conversation about a life-changing poor choice.
While the consequences of this conversation are too serious for me to want to be this person’s sole resource, I offer my suggestions. I invite your input as well.
Kim's title
And thank-you for your fabulous suggestions for last week’s Reader Question. Kim was thrilled by all the ideas. I am impressed. Read them here.
Advanced SpeakStrong orders
Thanks as well for the flurry of advance orders for SpeakStrong – the book. My release date has moved up to December 23rd. You still have time to take advantage of my special.
This Week in the World comment
"Practice Speaking Strong on the small issues. It will prepare you for the big ones." Meryl Runion
PowerPhrase of the Week
Please take me off speakerphone
Speakerphone is great for group conversations and impersonal discussions. It’s not so great for personal conversations that require sensitivity. If speakerphone inhibits your thinking and openness, say so.
Simply ask,
- Will you please take me off speakerphone? It feels more personal to be speaking directly, and I can think better.
Poison Phrase of the Week
Partnership opportunity
This week’s Poison Phrase isn’t inherently wrong but has become suspect by overuse and abuse. I receive a couple of emails each week that offer me a:
- partnership opportunity
The “opportunities” are usually generic offers with little to gain for myself or my community. (That’s you.)
So when I received an email with those words in the header last month, I was not in a hurry to open it. When I finally did open it, I discovered it was a personal offer of a genuine opportunity that I was pleased to accept.
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Read about Meryl's new book release: |
Meryl,
My father is coming up for parole after having served 30 years in prison for a robbery and attempted murder conviction. His release will depend upon whether or not he can convince a panel of parole commissioners that he has a tremendous amount of remorse for the harm he caused to the victim. He will also need to apologize for his crime, and also convince the board that he is not a threat to the community. Can you help or refer me to someone who can?
Meryl says,
Wow. I will give you the best advice I can and ask my list if there is professional help available. I need to give you the disclaimer that this is not my expertise, although my expertise can apply to this situation.
The Speak Strong philosophy is to say what you mean and mean what you say without being mean when you say it. Say what you mean is what you think, feel and want. Mean what you say means back your words up with action – and to say it in a way where people believe that you will walk your talk. Don’t be mean when you say it means leave out the attacks and the digs.
Here are some things that I would look for if I were on the board.
1) Acknowledge that no apology can undo the action. In the words of Stephen Covey, “You can’t talk your way out of something you walked your way into.”
- I can’t undo what I did with an apology, or with my 25 years of prison, but I need to apologize anyway.
- I could apologize a thousand times and it would just be a beginning.
I’m deeply sorry.
2) Acknowledge the specific pain and harm inflicted.
- I regret what I did because…
- I realize now that my actions caused…(specific pain)
3) A glimpse inside of his heart – but carefully to avoid implying he’s the victim or that he’s seeking sympathy.
- I feel… humble, horrified, ashamed…
- I am…grateful for the opportunity to be considered for parole.
4) Reasons to believe the future will be different
- I am not the same man I was 25 years ago. Here’s how my time in prison has changed me...
- If I am given my freedom, I will make amends by…
The main thing is the need to be honest. His best words are in his own heart. I provide starter phrases, but if he fills them in with what he thinks they need to hear instead of what he genuinely feels, they won’t have the power. I’m assuming he really does feel these things you tell me they want to hear.
Also, avoid ANYTHING that transfers guilt or paints him as victim. Avoid comments like: this never would have happened if he hadn’t… or haven’t I been punished enough?
That’s what I have for now. Because it’s not my expertise and the stakes are so high, I’ll see if I can help you locate someone who knows the parole system. I’d like to print this in my newsletter (anonymously and with some detail removed) to invite input and other sources of information.
I wish you well. It sounds like he’s lucky to have your support.
Do you have a communication question? You can Ask Meryl.
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329 December 11, 2008 |
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Ask Meryl
We will respond with our best suggestions. We may publish your question and response anonymously unless you request that we only respond privately. We appreciate your feedback on our response. If we publish your question, be sure to check Meryl's Blog for further suggestions from our readers.
SpeakStrong Definition
To express yourself both powerfully &
effectively;
to say what you mean,
mean what you say,
without being mean
when you say it.