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This Week in the World
New Article: All sides of the moon
My latest article about loss, life cycles and positive realism includes lyrics to a song I wrote to my late husband, Michael Kent Runion. It provides a beautiful example of how different words to describe the same reality create entirely different impressions.
Read it here: All Sides of the Moon
Mixed messages, feedback, and life-saving conversations
Oops: Sometimes I think I’d rather not know when I make mistakes. I’d like to pretend I’m perfect. But ultimately it’s useful to know what to improve.
Last week I told the story about how I didn’t speak up when my late husband showed signs of cancer. The group was with me and I received lots of positive feedback about it. But I cringed, laughed, and wanted to cry when someone observed that I had a picture of Linda Larsen jumping for joy on my PowerPoint the whole time I told the story.
I’d call that a mixed message. Of course everyone knew the picture was left over from earlier in the presentation, but I expect they all noticed the contrast, consciously or unconsciously. I wonder if anyone was holding back laughter as I told the sad tale. Watch out for mixed messages.
We speak, they decide: Many of my readers know the story about my late husband's illness. (If you don’t, it’s on page 11 of PowerPhrases! and is available on my website.) Not many of my readers know the "sequel."
A few years later, my best friend developed cancer symptoms. It was déjà vu; she didn’t want to talk about it. This time, I refused to pretend everything was okay when I strongly believed it wasn’t.
I said what I meant and meant what I said without being mean when I said it. My friend received a cancer diagnosis but refused the recommended surgery. I later lost my friend to untreated cancer – but this time I never lost myself. I told the truth as I saw it, but it was her decision to make. And who am I to say it wouldn't have been more gruesome had she gone the medical route? I spoke my peace and loved her through her final year.
Aggressive is not the alternative to passive: Passiveness is not the only communication challenge in life/death conversations. Last week a woman told me she spoke so aggressively when her husband showed cancer symptoms that he shut her out. Truth can get lost in aggressive as well as passive communication.
Assertiveness rules: However, "Nancy" told me she told her business partner that she was going to call her every day until she went to see a doctor about symptoms she displayed. Nancy said it was just what her partner needed to take her symptoms seriously. Her partner thanked Nancy for "harassing her." Of course it wasn't true harassment. My friend knew her partner welcomed her concern. Nancy would have backed off from the daily calls had her partner heard her concern and asked Nancy to respect her handling of the situation. But she would not have pretended to be okay with her partner's’s choice if she wasn’t.
We speak, they decide. We can’t control other people, but we can honor our own observations. That’s what PowerPhrases and Speak Strong are all about.
And when the stakes are high, it's important to have the skills sharp and ready to use.
"Courage is not the absence of fear; it is the presence of priorities." ~ Suzanne Povey
PowerPhrase of the Week
Explanations, not apologies
For such a silly show, I get lots of PowerPhrases from Desperate Housewives. Recently, Eddie’s sweetheart behaved strangely and aggressively. She tried to get him to open up about what was going on with him, and he struck out at her. When he went to apologize, she said,
- I don’t want an apology, I want an explanation. And if you can’t give me one, here’s what’s going to happen...
Sometimes simple apologies are enough. But other times, we need explanations. Stephen Covey says “To understand all is to forgive all.” It can take long honest dialogue to reach deep understanding. Without that, an apology can be paper over a problem that needs to be fixed. An apology can be a distraction from a cancer that needs serious treatment.
SpeakStrong is now available for shipping
Poison Phrase of the Week
I guess you’ll just have to put up with me
My ride was late after an appointment and I intended to be playful when I said,
- I guess you’ll just have to put up with me for a little while.
Even though I didn’t mean my words to be taken seriously, my words presented the extra time together as something my associate would have to endure. Next time I’ll say,
- Looks like we’ll get to spend more time together.
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Reader question
Made up questions?
Meryl,
Do you make up your ask Meryl questions?
Meryl Responds,
Nope. They’re all things people have asked me. I usually edit the questions down and change details for anonymity. And I will sometimes write a question that someone asked me verbally. But, no, I don’t make them up. I don’t need to. My readers are full of questions. (Thanks for that.)
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Reader Success
Courage, fear and priorities
A note from Suzanne Povey who heard me speak last week. I am very grateful for her observations.
For most of my life, I’ve suffered the results of weakness and succeeded only when I was able to overcome that weakness with courage. I had to learn that courage is not the absence of fear: it is the presence of priorities. You reminded me that courage initiates skills and skills strengthen courage. I had forgotten that – that great perpetuating and liberating cycle. Many thanks for the great, necessary, and empowering work – you’ve blessed me.
(As she has me.)
Suzanne's observation about courage and skills notes a dynamic that I detail in the the supplemental audio that comes with my new book, Speak Strong. Clarity leads to conviction which leads to courage which leads to candor and creativity. You can see that in this poster: http://www.speakstrong.com/store/#5cs and get the Speak Strong book and audio here: http://www.speakstrong.com/store/#newrelease
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332 Jan 14, 2008 |
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SpeakStrong Definition
To express yourself both powerfully &
effectively;
to say what you mean,
mean what you say,
without being mean
when you say it.