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This Week in the World
Women civilized the Wild West and are civilizing politics too
Saturday I spoke to a group of women citizen lobbyists about how to stop arguing and start communicating about politics. They proceeded to show me what reasonable dialogue looks like.
My talk was based on my eBook, Unite and Concur. After I spoke, researcher Amy Blackwell led a discussion about which bills the group would endorse and which they would lobby against. The questions were insightful and the discussion was informed, reasonable, and non-contemptuous. They considered the bills from a woman's perspective. The conversation wasn't just bi-partisan - it was non-partisan.
Then City Councillor Faith Winter explained how to lobby the state legislature to get a bill passed or killed. It provided a fabulous understanding of how many avenues of persuasion we have in all areas of life - not just politics - if we're willing to do what it takes.
What impressed me most was that while both speakers have very gentle spirits, they are incredibly influential. I have heard that women tamed the wild west long ago. I believe women are doing that in politics now. It was an inspiring conference, and I felt privileged to attend. I write more about my experience in my article, It's My Democracy and I'm Watching it.
"Meryl Fan" takes me to task on last week's "Ask Meryl" response
A long time reader and business associate offered me a detailed critique of my response to "Dominating Peer" last week. I asked him to post it online, which he did. He made a lot of great catches. You can read his post and my response here. The biggest reminder I got from his insights is how important it is to start with questions instead of statements and admonishments.
He makes one point that is considered common wisdom in the communication industry that I see differently from most people. I present that topic for this week's vote and discussion below.
New Articles:
I have four new articles this week.
1. Strategic or habitual silence?
Lessons from a determined mother squirrel and a hapless canine. (It's mostly pictures)
2. Intimate priorities: put your partner first - How to stay in love by keeping your loyalties straight.
3. It's my body and this ain't normal - How to Speak Strong to get a doctor to listen to you.
4. It's My Democracy and I'm Watching It: How women in politics are civilizing political dialogue.
"The greatest thinkers are great feelers too."
Meryl Runion, from Speak Strong
This Week's Vote and Discussion
Do you give your power away when you tell someone about the emotional impact of their behavior?
Last week when I wrote the following as part of the words I gave my questioner: "When you step into my lane, it makes me feel irrelevant," "Meryl Fan" commented:
"Oops, she just gave control of her feelings to the dominating peer."
I admit that "makes me feel" is a poor choice of words. So while I suggest changing it to "When you step into my lane, I feel irrelevant," I differ with the prevailing wisdom that suggests that if you let people know how their behavior affects you emotionally, you lose power. Most conversations have a strong emotional component, and if you ignore that, you'll be talking around the issues. The work place isn't a place for emotional displays, but when someone steps on your toes and crushes them, they will not understand what they've done if you hide the blood from them. If someone behaves in a way that has an emotional impact on you, they will not understand why they need to change if no one tells them how it hurts.
There are exceptions, of course. Some people will get power happy if they know you are wounded by their behavior. That's the exception - not the rule.
What do you think? In general, does communicating the emotional impact of a behavior strengthen or weaken a message? Vote here, and comment here.
Results from last week's vote
The winner of the "what if" contest is:
What if you’re guarding your heart when you should be giving your heart?
And the winner of the Meryl Brand contest is:
Meryl ...gets to the heart of an issue deeply, quickly, succinctly, and with grace. She helps me see the world in an eloquent way.
These submitters get a free copy of my new book, Speak Strong. Thanks so much for joining the discussion.
PowerPhrase of the Week
You’ve done everything he’s asked you to do and you’ve done it well. Why wouldn’t he keep piling work on you?
Nora is a skilled professional breaking into a new industry. She accepted an apprenticeship with Ned to get exposure in the field, learn the ropes, and get connected. She agreed to less than a living wage to manage Ned’s office while she studied with him.
The situation did not turn out as Nora imagined. While she did learn some things from Ned, the vast majority of her time was spent doing grunt work that did not help her professionally. She was burning out on the work without getting the promised rewards. She spoke to Ned about it, but he kept piling projects on her that did not serve her goals.
Nora was frustrated and angry, but a friend pointed out a very simple reality.
- You’ve done everything he’s asked you to do and you’ve done it well. Why wouldn’t he keep piling work on you?
The lights went on for Nora – she was sending mixed messages. The message Ned received was – "I can get this work done at bargain basement prices. Sure, I might have to listen to Nora complain here and there, but so what?"
Nora’s friend told her just what she needed to hear to understand her own role in the situation – and to choose a different role. Nora asked Ned specifically for what she wanted from him (said what she meant) and she spoke in a way where he knew he had to work with her (she meant what she said.) She was grateful to her friend for speaking to her so clearly.
Speak Strong is the next step after PowerPhrases!
Poison Phrase of the Week
Thanks for the $50. I used it to put the dog to sleep.
Claire is chronically depressed. So she’s not a lot of fun to talk to, but her family remembers it must be even less fun to be her. However, when Claire's sister sent her a surprise $50 gift, she was a bit incredulous when Claire said,
- Thanks for the $50. I used it to put the dog to sleep.
Why couldn’t she have used a different $50 to put the dog to sleep?
Some people are way more fun to give gifts to than others. My husband paid for his 85-year old Catholic nun “girlfriend” to attend a weekend retreat, and she was so effusive about her appreciation that he wanted to offer her another one. Other people act like they’re entitled. Too many people don't acknowledge what they've received anymore.
When you receive a gift, think about how you can make the giver glad they gave.
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Read about my new book release: It's the next step. |
Reader question
A non-verbal Poison Phrase
Hi Meryl
A friend and her ten-year old child were crossing a parking lot. A man driving a one ton pick-up truck zoomed past them - quite speedily. She had expected him to slow as he approached but in fact he sped up.
She gesticulated - not with the middle finger but with her arms raised in a "what are you doing you jerk?" sort of way. He parked, opened the door, and yelled to her, "I am sorry! I just got these new hand controls and am still having trouble using them. Please forgive me!"
She forgave him, but now she feels guilty for not apologizing to him for gesticulating "rudely" at a man who is paralyzed.
The argument is - should she have apologized?
Meryl Responds:
“A PowerPhrase is as strong as it needs to be and no stronger.” When non-verbal communication is all you have, that’s your PowerPhrase. So the test I would run is – did her non-verbals say what she meant and mean what she said without being mean when she said it? She used the word rude, so clearly she was aggressive rather than assertive. Most people would have gone aggressive under those circumstances, but if she feels bad about it, it’s probably because she didn’t live up to her own standards. Her non-verbal PowerPhrase in the future might be more a gesture of incredulity.
Disability does not justify anyone putting other’s safety at risk. His actions were reckless at best. Even so, I never justify rudeness. Strength, yes, rudeness no. Clarity, yes, rudeness, no...even when the perpetrator is a jerk instead of a paraplegic who overestimated his skills at using his new vehicles. It's a standard I hold for myself, not others.
The offender is more likely to get the message when the sender is direct but non-attacking. Rudeness creates defensiveness which decreases the likelihood of learning.
No mother should have to apologize for being rude to someone who almost killed her child - her response was gracious enough. But clearly she holds herself to a higher standard than "gracious enough." I hope she lets herself off the hook - and that he does too, but that he gets lots of practice driving his pick-up before he ventures out again.
Do you have a communication question? You can Ask Meryl.
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There's lots of information about how to communicate |
Success Story
It's my body and I'm telling you, this is not normal.
I was fat, exhausted, and depressed, but every doctor I talked to told me I was normal. If that was normal, I'd hate to see abnormal. I researched my symptoms and figured out what was wrong with me and spoke to scores of doctors who dismissed my ideas. I had to go out of state to find a doctor who would run the tests I wanted, even at my own expense. But I did find one, and guess what? I'm slim, energetic, and happy now. It took every ounce of assertiveness I have to keep going in the face of those doctors who would rather dismiss me than work with me. Now, I help other women get their doctors to listen to them. Believe me, it's worth it to Speak Strong when your doctor won't listen.
The whole story is here.
Issue
335 Feb. 4th, 2009 |
SpeakStrong Award
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Ask Meryl
We will respond with our best suggestions. We may publish your question and response anonymously unless you request that we only respond privately. We appreciate your feedback on our response. If we publish your question, be sure to check Meryl's Blog for further suggestions from our readers.
SpeakStrong Definition
To express yourself both powerfully &
effectively;
to say what you mean,
mean what you say,
without being mean
when you say it.