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This Week in the World
I abandon my gender-neutral language; articles now are gender specific, new He and She article
Okay, okay, I can take a hint. My attempt to introduce gender-neutral language was decidedly unpopular. That mission goes on hold. For your convenience and immediate understanding, I rewrote last week’s articles with gender-specific pronouns and possessives.
Fact and Fiction Separate Themselves
and my SpeakStrong rewrite of an Israeli folk tale:
The truth about Truth and a story about Story
I have a new article that is very gender-specific. You’ll find that here:
I'd rather they disagree than dismiss
Have you ever felt dismissed? A friend and I talked about how dismissiveness is more negating than disagreement. She observed that at least when someone disagrees, they consider your words. When someone ignores your questions, requests, messages, and ideas, they say that you, your needs and/or your ideas are not even worth considering. It's almost as if you don't exist or matter in any way.
Ignoring someone is one form of dismissiveness. Another way is to shift the focus from the request or input to a put-down of the person. The message is your input is dismissed because you don't qualify to have a need, opinion, or question.
This week’s F-minus cartoon takes a poke at dismissiveness with their “false apology cards.” I could rename them “dismissive apology cards.” From “I’m sorry you’re making such a big deal out of this” to "I’m sorry you feel that way,” the comic is full of negation. Why did I find it so funny? Probably because I've received apologies that were this dismissive.
Most people I know get a little crazy when someone dismisses them. When they do, the dismisser has effectively disempowered and negated their “victim.”
But the answer is to not be a victim. The answer is to observe and defuse the triggers. The answer is to explore options and develop responses.
SpeakStrong provides many tools to defuse all kinds of communication triggers so you can be unfazed by power grabs and tactics like dismissiveness. It goes on to provide responses. You'll find many responses in today's newsletter, as well.
"There are two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle." ~Albert Einstein
PowerPhrase of the Week
I never agreed to...
Many people have assumed “job requirements” for their different relationships. They have roles they expect others to fill, and they feel let down if others don’t comply. For Marie, marriage means her husband visits her family with her each week. For Rene, friendship means hating each other’s “enemies.” For Joe, an assistant is someone who will lie for him.
Sharon did not share Joe’s assumption. When he asked her to lie to a client, she said something non-committal to the client, and took the first opportunity to speak privately with Joe to make her boundaries clear.
- I want to be the best assistant you’ve ever had, but I need you to know I never agreed to lie for you.
For Sharon, lying was a deal-breaker. She was unwilling to stay in a position that required lying. Joe was able to adjust his expectations.
A teacher named Cheyenne plans to write a book called “Four Agreements I Never Made.” What assumptions have you allowed people to impose on you?
Speak Strong is the next step after PowerPhrases!
Poison Phrase of the Week
Blame your assistant
Anna forgot what the due date was for a client project. She lost her client notes, so her friend suggested:
- Call the client and blame your assistant. Tell her your assistant misplaced your notes.
The assistants at the IAAP meeting I spoke at last night knew right away why that is a Poison Phrase. Too often, assistants are considered fair game for blame. It's as if their professionalism doesn't matter.
Besides being unfair to the assistant, that claim is simply a lie. Anna admitted to her error and the client had no problem with it.
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Read about my new book release: It's the next step. |
Reader question
Abusive comments
Meryl
Recently, people close to me have had issues with their significant others saying demeaning things to them in arguments like "all my friends think you're crazy,” or "you're lazy, I have to do everything,” or "you're stupid, you don't understand anything" -- stuff like that, intended just to make them feel bad. Really juvenile behavior.
I realize that there are relationship problems here, but is there something one could say that would put a dead stop to these abusive comments, or should they just walk away?
I've learned a lot from reading your book, and I respect the way your mind works. I'd appreciate your input.
Meryl Responds
Calling this juvenile is too kind. It’s dismissive at best, more likely vicious and destructive, designed to abort any kind of defense or constructive dialog. It’s a power grab in what should be the one power-free relationship we have – with the person we let into our most intimate circle.
Unfortunately, this kind of comment happens even in good relationships.
Some specific responses:
- All my friends think you're crazy.
- I hope you stood up for me as I would if my friends spoke critically of you.
-You're lazy. I have to do everything.
- Do you really believe that? Or are you trying to manipulate me into doing more work? If our work sharing is out of balance, I’m happy to look at that. I am not happy to listen as you slap labels on me.
- You’re stupid, you don't understand anything.
- It breaks my heart to have the person I love most in life call me stupid. Let’s try to figure this out together without calling each other names.
As a general response, I’d say,
- Sometimes you say things to me that cut me to the core, and what hurts most is it seems like that’s your intent. I want us to build each other up instead of tear each other down, and when we need to work through issues, do it in loving and supportive ways instead of hurtful, destructive ways. We both have a lot of habits to break to make that happen, but I want us to do that. Are you willing to do that with me?
- Let’s build each other up instead of tear each other down.
As a general response in the moment…
- Ouch. I don’t understand why the person I’m in a love relationship with would speak to me that way. If you have an issue we need to work through, I’m happy to listen. I’m not willing to listen to name-calling and character attack.
This stuff gets so subtle that a bomb can hide under the guise of innocence. I have a good radar for this stuff and I’ve been studying it for years and years, but I’ll still look back at times and realize that someone did a power grab and I lost my footing. There may be one-shot solutions, but my experience is that handling power grabs - especially in friendships and love relationships - is a skill you develop over time.
Defusing this kind of attach is a skill that is well worth developing. Our hearts depend on it. SpeakStrong is a great resource.
Your friends might enjoy this blog post Keep the Bulls Out of Your China Shop.
Do you have a communication question? You can Ask Meryl.
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There's lots of information about how to communicate |
Success Story
Speaking Strong to preserve a friendship
A client who had become a friend came to pick up his stuff but didn’t bring payment. When I asked about it, he said,
- You can’t always get what you want.
I thought about what you would say, and called him the next day. I explained that our relationship had grown into a friendship and I wanted to preserve that, and the way he spoke to me did not feel worthy of that friendship.
He actually thanked me for telling him and told me that if he ever did that again, I should slap him. I won’t, but I will tell him.
Issue
340 March 11th, 2009 |
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SpeakStrong Definition
To express yourself both powerfully &
effectively;
to say what you mean,
mean what you say,
without being mean
when you say it.