July 16, 2009 Issue 356

This Week: Movie Doubt Exposes SpeakStrong Challenges

If Speaking Strong were easy, everyone would do it. It’s not, and most people don’t, which makes it harder for those who do.

In my books, I speak of the excuses (which can sometimes be reasons) for not speaking up when something needs to be said. You can read an introduction to those excuses here. One of the big reasons is doubt. And if you wait until you have absolute certainty, you probably will rarely speak. The movie Doubt illustrates how elusive certainty can be. And to compound the issue, even if the hero’s (Meryl Streep – awesome) suspicions are correct, she discovers that exposing the probable villain could actually harm the likely victim more than allowing the abuse to continue.

If you like certainty, you won’t like this movie. But if you prefer reality, you’ll love it. Sometime the biggest challenge to truth is your own doubt. Comment here.

Romance novel author uses SpeakStrong for character dialogue

Read post and comment here.

The boy who cried owww

Read and comment here.

Reader tips on talking to someone who was laid off

Read and comment here.

Are you a Codependent Fool?

I don't like labeling someone with a trait they occasionally display. But if you spend most of your time taking care of someone else who could take care of themselves, well, you're being a Codependent Fool. I wrote this song in the height of my codependence. My codependency is more subtle now, but still shows up at times. Anytime I could say, "I'm not happy because they..." I've lost my sovereignty and am being a codependent fool. Listen to the song and tell me if you relate. Codependent Fool

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PowerPhrase from Performance Expert Terri Norvell

“One of the most empowering questions you can ask your people,” Terri Norvell said at a session at the National Apartment Association Convention (where I spoke too), is ‘What’s working?’'

More here

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Detective Mom PowerPhrase: I'm Okay with That

This PowerPhrase post contains a Poison Phrase that irks me, but I’ll start with the part I like. Here’s the dialogue posted by The Detective Mom.

Kid #1: “You play baseball like a girl!”

(At this point a few random insults were exchanged.)

Kid #2: “You play baseball like…”

Kid #1: “I already said girl! You can’t use that one again!”

Kid #2: (pause) “You play baseball like… him!” (Points at my three-year old)

Kid #1: (pauses to reflect on the insult and then shrugs) “I’m okay with that.”

Most of us are so programmed to react to intended insults that we don’t pause to consider whether what we’re being accused of is such a bad thing. It take remarkable presence to decide whether we mind the “accusation” or not.

To comment and read about the Poison Phrase the irks me, visit my blog. You can comment there too.

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Poison Phrase: Stop ordering refrigerators

This Poison Phrase comes from  speaker and performance expert Terri Norvell.

A property manager was told to:

- stop replacing the refrigerators in our apartment units to save money

Norvell recommended a more inclusive, less directive approach such as,

• We need to cut costs and I”m thinking about halting the refrigerator replacement project. How do you recommend we cut costs? What do you think of that approach?

Why? I explain on my blog. You can comment there too.

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Reader Question: How do I talk to an angry customer?

Meryl: I was given your PowerPhrases book by a friend and I have found it very helpful. I have a question though, about dealing with unreasonable and angry people.

I recently got into a conflict with a customer because she was unhappy with our service and was demanding a refund. I tried to speak with her in a reasonable way, but she quickly became abusive, raising her voice and made several personal attacks towards me (calling me names, etc).

She was also threatening to badmouth both me personally and my business to everyone she knows. I needed time to process, but I couldn’t get her to leave. How should I de-escalate someone who is bullying me, without just giving them what they want? I have never experienced such a personal attack before and it has shaken my confidence.

Meryl Responds:

There is a Quick List appendix in PowerPhrases that includes phrases for acknowledging without agreeing. Those are probably what you’re looking for.

A favorite of mine is,

• I care very much about your problem and when you speak to me in this way, I find it difficult to focus on a solution.

More on my blog. You can comment there too.

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Success Story: Humor is a Financial Professional's Best Tool

Meryl, In my business – the financial industry – people are so often frightened when we meet.  They’re intimidated by the very idea of investing, scared about what might happen if/when they do invest, and worried they don’t know enough to have an intelligent discussion of options.

If I can inject a note of playfulness where appropriate–if I can make ‘em laugh–the whole dynamic changes.  They relax, and open to a completely different level of interaction.

In my experience, people can bring so many barriers to a meeting that finding a way to help them gently lower those barriers is important.  It’s really beautiful to watch and experience.

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Reader blog comments

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Shell shocked

Gracefully correcting grammar