July 22, 2009 Issue 357

This Week: The power of the decision to SpeakStrong

I received some of the most wonderful kudos this week. One of my favorites is:

“When I first read PowerPhrases, it felt like a candle lit in my mind. Yes, I remember thinking, I can do this. I can say these things. Unlike so many other “self-help” books I’ve read trying to cultivate my self-esteem, PowerPhrases offered me a very simple message: I really could stand up for myself, say what was on my mind and be heard WITHOUT ticking off half the known world.”

My friend Wendy reminded me that the book Crucial Conversations says that as soon as people make the decision to speak up, they feel better. And once you have an alternative to going out in reaction with guns blazing, it's easier to make the decision to speak up.

Anything you want to say, but don't, weakens you. My new book SpeakStrong lays the inner foundation to make you conscious of what you need to know so you can speak up and be heart without ticking off half the known world.

Free 12 Secrets Audio

It's time for me to bite the bullet on my 12 Secrets cassettes. I have five sets remaining. The first five people to order anything from the SpeakStrong store will get a set, free. Just make a note in the delivery instructions or email me that you want a copy. If you want to make certain that I still have some before you place your order, email me and I'll let you know.

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PowerPhrase: Stop what you're doing and watch...

Marketing expert David Meerman Scott got me to click on a link with that PowerPhrase in a tweet.

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PowerPhrase: I won't be pressured into a decision

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PowerPhrase: What can I delay to add this to my list?

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PowerPhrase: I need someone to do your job and I'm hoping it will be you.

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Poison Phrase: A woman your age - how to respond to meanness

Social media coach Phyllis Khare sent me an article from O magazine called Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon Lady. The author gives great tips for responding to intentional meanness. The best tip is based on the real-life scenario that inspired the article. At a birthday party where the birthday girl didn’t succeed in blowing out all the candles, the husband said,

- A woman your age has to be in shape to make wishes come true. You just don’t have the lung capacity.

The remark preyed on the wife’s sensitivities – age and endurance.

A guest noted,

• That kind of meanness doesn’t become you.

Busted, the husband stopped his attacks.

My book PowerPhrases has dozens of responses for sarcasm and mixed messages.

 

Poison Phrase: Are you done yet?

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Reader Question: Phrases for counseling report

Meryl,

How can I word my report about a client who completed mandatory conflict management training after an incident so they will move on from the incident and not keep it hanging over his head? He was remorseful, has apologized, and has shown great improvement. This organization can be punitive and judgmental.

Meryl Responds,

Interesting request.

Your comments emphasize attitude. That’s important, and I also would emphasize the newly acquired skills that will afford different choices.

• Client embraced the mandated counseling with a sincere desire and willingness to develop new skills to be able to handle confrontation effectively in the future. His (her) efforts resulted in an exceptional level of conflict management skill development. This client’s progress provides a model of how a negative incident can be turned into an opportunity for developing excellence.

How's that?

(Perfect Phrases for Managers and Supervisors is an excellent resource for counseling phrases.)

Comment

 

Reader Question: Do some people bully no matter what you say?

Meryl,

I recently refunded a $30 class deposit fee because the woman was verbally abusive toward me and it seemed like the only way to get her out of the office.

Are there some people that will not respond no matter what you say?

Response from Meryl

You’re right. Some people will bully to get what they want as long as it has any chance of working. When it’s someone you can get rid of, it can make sense to cut your losses and give them what they want, even though it rewards their abuse. When it’s someone you have an ongoing relation with, I suggest speaking calmly and staying firm until they realize bullying won’t work on you – that it won’t get them what they want. (They often will amp up the intensity to test it for a while before they back off.)

It  sounds like $30 matters to this customer more than kindness, fairness, and decency. She pulled a powerplay and thinks she won. And on power levels she did. You kept your dignity, so I hope you enjoy a secret last laugh knowing that actually you won by staying classy. In your imaginary replay of the dialogue (you do replay it, don’t you? I know I would…) you could refund her money with a comment of,

• I am refunding your money because it seems winning matters to you more than honoring the commitment you made when you left this deposit. While I’m bending our policy to refund your money, it’s worth $30 to me to put this behind us and move on to other customers.

Bottom line – you did what makes sense and she’s not your problem anymore.

Comment

Got a question? Email me.

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Success story: I got what I needed

Greetings Meryl - several years ago I took a basic business writing class and purchased your PowerPhrases! book.

A couple of days ago, I was struggling with a letter in which I had to point out a problem and needed to be tactful in the opening sentence while explaining what we needed from this group.  I wasted time querying MS word and the On-line help pages for "Letter Greetings," then I remembered your book.

I spent a minute cruising through the book and found out pretty quickly how to write the best opening sentence for this letter. From now on your book will be right next to my computer instead of on my shelf.