Issue 359, August 13, 2009
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Got a question or comment? Ask Meryl. Please do not hit reply.

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Opera of the Ordinary - SpeakStrong for study groups
A friend recently presented a class titled “Slow down to the speed of love.” I didn’t attend because I would have had to rush to make it…but I love the wisdom in the title.

In our busy-ness we often miss the tender moments that happen continually. Many of my friends are newly committing to scaling back enough to be able to enjoy what they have. My last newsletter spoke of how we can turn work into play and how we need to avoid turning play into work. Slowing down is one real key.

And when you slow down, you just might find the perfect words come naturally to you.

In fact, here's a fun exercise for you. Sing instead of speak for a while. A friend and I tried it and found it to be great fun. He called it "the opera of the ordinary."

I might become obsolete.

But I’m not obsolete yet. A school district placed a bulk order of SpeakStrong for a study group. I am pleased to see that book find its legs. The skills provide a foundation for graceful living.

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PowerPhrase – Hit the ground dancing

I’m vigilant about words that reinforce a hard driving approach to life. That’s why I didn’t want to say I was getting ready to hit the ground running on a project. So I reframed it to this:

• I’m hitting the ground dancing.

Okay – it’s not perfect. Hitting and all. But I like it anyway. Might not share it with all my clients – but I will with some. What do you think?

PowerPhrase - It’s not a drama unless we turn it into one

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Poison Phrase – Reaching for simplicity

My friend granted permission to reflect back the fallacy in her wording when she spoke of

- Reaching for simplicity.

I suggested she

• settle into simplicity,

and she liked it.

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Reader Question - Getting a strong employee to dial it back

Meryl.,

Just found your website and really find your “Speak Strong” work and observations very enlightening.  I came to your site to find help regarding a conversation I need to have with an Employee of mine. The Employee has a history of having a lot of “Command” in her approach.  She is very talented in leading teams and is able to coach and move performance of her Associates.  Managing laterally and upward is where she is challenged and is often ‘parental’ in her approach.

She now reports to me and has begun to exercise behaviors that are overbearing and controlling of my schedule and how I need to run the department.  I do not want to squash her motivation nor do I want to appear to be pulling the “I am more Senior than you and am the Boss so don’t question me”... type of card.  (A potential area for me to explore regarding “what is dealing with this issue with this person suppose to be teaching me” about my own Management style).

It is hard to paint the picture of her approach but here are two examples in context to give you an idea: 1) She implied I had neglected my responsibility by not going to my office before a meeting, 2) She suggested our clients come earlier the next day at a meeting when the time had been established and served everyone’s needs.

Having just taken your "Communication Tendencies”, assessment and scoring as a “Likeable,” I am sure you can guess that I have apprehension in taking this Employee ‘down a notch’, if you will.  I am struggling to find the right words to explain that she is overbearing, out of line and operating as the Leader in circumstances that are not appropriate for her to be.   Primarily because she is so very talented and I can rely on her to do anything, anytime, with complete confidence.  However, I cannot help feeling stifled that she is constantly being Parental with me and assessing my own leadership capabilities by having so much command in her approach to everything she does.  The perception of her across the organization is that is full of command and both her Peers and Managers at my level have recognized this before.

Meryl Responds:

It wouldn’t surprise me if this employee doesn’t see a need to treat Seniors differently – particularly if she’s younger and grew up in a culture where seniority counts for little. And I also agree that pulling rank would be likely to backfire.

Instead of addressing it from the angle of rank, approach it through inquiry and from the perspective of teamwork and helping each other look good. Some ideas,

• What was your reasoning in asking if they were coming earlier?
• Are you aware that your question about my going to the office implied that I was remiss? I like to help you look good and I’d appreciate it if you would help me appear in the best light as well.

Also say something like this:

• While I love your strength and drive, there are times to dial it back a bit to work as a part of the team.  How can I help you do that without eclipsing your strengths?

How does that sound?

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Success Story from blog post: Remember the times he made you smile

It’s important for family and friends to have time to grieve but also time to celebrate the life that has just passed. On a co-workers card, whose father had just passed away, I wrote “remember all the times he made you smile and laugh – there will be many”. I knew she was close to her father so this comment would be relevant. She thanked me for the comment and said that it had made her sit and think of all these times and it had actually made her smile. She also recounted some of those memories to me – it was a lovely moment.

A tradition in our family is to give a plant to close friends and family who have lost someone. We often plant it together. We say the good memories of that person make it bloom. The plant is a reminder and talking point in friends and families homes – meaning that person is never forgotten and grief can always be talked about. (be sure to choose a plant suitable to their garden and lifestyle – not an idea for non-plant lovers – and not so great if the plant dies).

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Blog comments

That's how the fight ended

Turn play into work

Have to

So sorry for your loss

The anti-boot camp

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Got a question or comment? Ask Meryl.