Issue 361, August 26, 2009
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Alligators and empowerment: Speak Strong, Smart or Sweet?

Which would you rather be known for…Speaking Strong, Speaking Smart, or Speaking Sweet? Would you rather people leave a conversation with you or a presentation you give saying, “I’m motivated!,” “I learned a lot,” or “I’m touched”? Would you like them to leave with action steps, insight, or an epiphany?

My next question is: in reading my first questions, did it occur to you that I was asking you to make false choices? Did it occur to you that it might be possible, and even useful, to aspire to all three?

When I encourage audiences to SpeakStrong, Smart, and Sweet, my greatest challenge is communicating that the three values do not necessarily negate one another.

This is particularly true when I talk about speaking sweetly with a group that has emerged from a oppressive situations where sweetness was the only avenue open to them. For example, some nurses in my audiences have struggled so long to be respected for their knowledge and accomplishments that any referral to sweet speech seems like regression. Of course it would be, were I to suggest that they play down their skills or that they remain passive when a situation calls for assertiveness.

It's ironic that many people who have emerged from sweetness stereotypes have finely-honed sweet speech skills. If they marry those skills with reason and logic, they speak circles around those who never experienced that kind of oppression. Unwillingness to incorporate sweetness limits them as much as it would limit, say, a hard-driving lawyer who decided to soften his/her ways and then refuse to make an appropriate show of power.

A friend told me yesterday of an ancient initiation rite that involved throwing initiates in a pond of alligators to help them overcome their fears. Sometimes I feel like I’ve been thrown into a sea of alligators when I suggest that a PowerPhrase is as strong as it needs to be and no stronger - that a spoonful of sugar helps the medicine go down - that if chivalry and civility are dead, we need to resurrect them…without denouncing the logic and directed-ness we have developed.

I get thrown in to the alligator pond sometimes. Many of my readers go in every day. My hope is that my words help you safely navigate those waters without losing your humanity in the process. It makes sense, feels good, and works to SpeakStrong, Smart, and Sweet.

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PowerPhrase Quick Tip: Yes and…

An acquaintance who does improv acting told me the key idea of improv is responding to what came before with "yes, and…" In other words, one never negates but expands instead.

What a great approach to communication of all kinds!

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Power Phrase from Dad: It’s good to have a young wife

My 90 year old Dad and his 80 year old wife trekked through airports last week. He had a wheelchair and marveled at her ability to keep up. He joked,

• It’s good to have a young wife.

I believe humor does keep you young.

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Power Phrase: Is it a "don't know," a "can't do," or a "won't do" situation?

If you manage performance, the most important thing you can ask is,

• Are you not aware there's a problem, or is it that you can't do what I'm asking?

If they know there's a problem and they can do what the job requires, you've got a "won't do" or "don't care" situation. In that case you need to either motivate them or call it over.

My performance management flow chart walks you through the process.

These are also important questions for your personal life. Too often we're on someone's case assuming they don't care when in fact they are oblivious to the impact of their behavior.

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A trainer I like a lot listed a number of quotes she found inspiring. One was,

- Are you nice or necessary?

There are some things I like about this quote, but it’s a false choice. Isn’t it possible to be both? I say it is, and classify this as a Poison Phrase because it implies that you can’t.

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Poison Phrase: Just an old man talking about his life

I enjoy Amazon reviews to discover how others experience books and audios I study. It’s amazing how different impressions can be.

I love the writing of Robert A. Johnson. So I looked up his audio The Golden World.

One commenter noted,

- It’s just an old man talking about his life.

This reader revealed her attitude toward elders. I find elders have much to say, and this elder in particular. Robert A. Johnson had a rich life, and his sharing enriches mine.

Actually I think we could benefit from hearing about just about everyone’s life, but particularly someone who lived so ecstatically and so consciously.

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Reader Question: A verbal alligator pit called work

Meryl,
I am a new lawyer in a high-powered firm. My boss is not very understanding, her expectations are high, she doesn’t give clear direction, and I never know where I stand (if I’m doing a good job, if I did something correctly, if I handled a situation in the best manner).  She is quick to judge (even without all the information) and I usually feel bad after talking with her.
Here are my problems:

• She interrupts, assuming the worst without allowing me to explain.
• She does not give clear direction.
• She complains that I’m giving her too much info or too little.
• She can put me down, and then I’m so stunned that I don’t know what to say.
• I tear up when I try to stand up for myself, and she treats me like a five-year old.

Do you have any suggestions that will help me deal with her?

Meryl Responds:
First, shift any ideas of getting it right to ideas of learning to work with her. In fact, think of it as learning to work with and around her particular limits and disabilities. That takes it out of the realm of absolutes. If you have any sense of being infantilized by her (critical parent?) verbiage, that should shift you into a more adult mind set.

Second, create affirmations stating your attitude. Your attitude seems to be really good in general, but clarify it for this situation. Affirmations might be:" I stay centered in my own being when dealing with X." "X’s style gives me the opportunity to develop strength." "Criticism from X reflects on her more than me." " I can respect X’s knowledge without embracing her judgments."

Your affirmations will be unique to you.

Third, when her words take you out, work with the situation. I will talk to the trees on my hikes when my buttons get pushed. I suggest you create 20 possible responses to each situation. Don’t worry whether they’re good or not. Don’t worry whether they’re nice or not. The intent is to get past habitual reactions. I write a bit about how to do this in this article, Back off, bully! Stand your ground with PowerPhrases and quite a bit in my book SpeakStrong.

Fourth, pick responses for each situation. Here are some possibilities for the challenges you presented here.

Some suggestions...

Click here to read entire response

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Blog comments

SpeakStrong Comment from China

How NOT to give feedback

Uncooperative bus driver

Why buy a book on Speaking Strong?

Cry at maudlin movies

 

Got a comment or question? Comment on my blog and Ask Meryl.