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Issue 362, Sept 2, 2009 Most every criticism someone could make about you is likely to contain at least an iota of truth. It’s also likely to contain at least an iota of projection, judgment, or the offerer’s own issues. The truth is the gift. The projection is the poison. Take the gift and leave the poison behind. The part of the feedback that is true is a Trojan horse for the earnest among us. It lets the poison get in. And the poison is more likely to burn if you have a self image to protect. If you take ownership of your limits and stop defending like you’re supposed to be perfect, you’ll be able to take the gift and skip the poison. Feedback is like a mirror – but recognize that many mirrors are flawed. They can give you a distorted picture of what you look like. You can read more about that here. The Gift and Poison of Mirrors: How to give and receive feedback that doesn’t take you out Luann faces guy choices like our communication choicesIf you read Luann, you know there are three young men competing for her affections. And they each embody different qualities. Gunther is intellectual. Elwood is a power guy. And Quill is a charmer. Most drama is based on conflicts and choosing between opposites. The resolution comes when we make that choice. However, the highest resolution comes when we integrate seemingly opposing qualities. Some communication training emphasizes getting tough. Other training emphasizes building connections. Still other training puts the emphasis on logic and reason. Of course no approach is absolute – and Luann’s suitors are not one dimensional. But their tendencies are quite clear. The best relationship candidates blend the different qualities and are able to draw on the one that best suits the needs of the situation. And the best communication approaches do the same – they invite you to speak strong, smart AND sweet, with the emphasis that best suits the situation. Find your balance and pick your PowerPhrases. Taylor’s “stroke of insight” was her real neuroscience teacher Jill Bolte Taylor tells an amazing story of her massive stroke that shut her brain functions — motion, speech, self-awareness — down one by one. An astonishing story. She has become a powerful voice for brain recovery. I recommend her book or video: “My stroke of insight” to help you understand the different functions in your brain. What struck me most was her observation that she learned more about neuroscience from her own experience than she had from years of research. How often do we study things and think we understand them, only to learn that the experience is not at all what our study leads us to believe? Knowledge and experience support each other. That’s one of the reasons why blog participation is so helpful and I am grateful for the feedback. It’s also a reason why we need to listen to our clients and learn from them. Reader input request. I'm looking for a smiling doll ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A man named Pete Lee spoke briefly at a local event about restorative justice. That is an approach that has offenders face their victims and hear the stories about the pain their actions cause. Pete said recidivism for people who have gone through it is 5-8%, which is astonishingly low. You can read one article about restorative justice here. One piece of requesting a behavior change is to express the impact of the behavior you want changed. People need to know how their words and deeds affect others. That doesn’t mean that you hold others responsible for your own reactions, but you do let them know the impact. Restorative justice operates on that principle, and clearly it can work well. That’s why “The impact is…” is an important PowerPhrase for addressing behavior challenges. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Sensitive issues are tough to talk about by definition, and they get tougher when one of the participants tries to shut the conversation down. Here's a Poison Phrase that can do that. - Haven’t we already had this conversation? The implication is that the conversation should be complete and the person who wants to raise it is a trouble-maker. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Meryl, What do you think about, when someone says something inappropriate, saying “I Choose Not To Respond to that Comment”? It shows the comment was noted as not cool, but does not create a confrontation. Response: If the inappropriateness of the comment is clear, that response works for me. Often people who make inappropriate comments are clueless about what they say, and might need something like,
Or:
Of course there is the classic: "I won’t dignify that comment with a response," but it’s got some venom and I'm not really recommending it. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Blog comments A verbal alligator pit called work Alligators and empowerment: Speak Strong, Smart or Sweet? It’s good to have a young wife Got a comment or question? Comment on my blog and Ask Meryl.
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