Issue 364, October 23, 2009
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Art sweetens the bitterness of life

In August I posted about my new commitment to let myself cry at movies. Last night I revisited the song Bright Eyes from Watership Down. What a sweet song, and what sublime tears it inspires.

The You Tube posts about the song include comments from people who laugh at themselves for crying so deeply about the death of a cartoon bunny. It may seem silly, but it is healthy. Art sweetens the bitterness of life. We cry over cartoon bunnies so we can face the pain of losing a real bunny - or kitten - or parent - or child - without becoming bitter.

My heart feels much more alive after replaying the song that moved me so deeply. And you know that deepens communication.

Women set a new leadership style. Men are disoriented by it.

I’ve been thinking a lot about gender communication. I’ll be speaking about it in a teleseminar on Monday. You are welcome to join in.

I read a fascinating article by First Governor Dan Mulhern about how it’s a tough time for men. Here’s a snippet.

Men have been equipped to work, to lift and toil, to exert, to direct and manage, and if necessary, even to fight.  We are programmed, deep in our minds and cells, to protect and to provide.  And now many men are adrift in a massive sea of change.  Women already outnumber men in supervisory positions.  Soon they will outnumber men in the workforce altogether.  And “women’s characteristics” are increasingly valued in the workplace:  cooperation, collaboration, relationship, listening, tolerance, and diversity are surpassing assertion, competition, and command – let alone aggression.  These changes challenge men in the white collar world.

The blue collar world is even more treacherous for men.  Automation and low wage global competition continue to suck men’s jobs from Michigan and America.  And so men wonder: How do I provide?  How do I protect? Where is my place?  How do I adapt to a world, where I can’t find a “real job” and where (hopefully) my wife is able to step in and lead?

When I first became aware of the woman’s movement, I concluded women were fighting for the right to be like men in the world. In some ways, the trend discredited characteristically feminine traits as named above. While I’ve been delighted to be able to compete in the world, it is a world that favors patriarchal values, and that takes its toll on the feminine side of men and women.

But the tables are turning as they do when diversity happens. We’re all learning how to live the new rules. I'll be posting more about feminine characteristics.

For more, join us on the Genderly Speaking teleseminar. And read The Shriver Report: A Woman’s Nation Changes Everything

School district assistant and official wisdom

I recently spoke to the administrative assistants for a local school district. Often, at lunch I will share some added tidbits of the knowledge and skills I have obtained in my years of training and writing. But this time I listened. I was happy to hear the wisdom these caring professionals displayed.

Once upon a time, when kids got into trouble, the parents would generally come down on the side of school officials. Not any more. Read the rest of this post.

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PowerPhrase: Let's make up for lost time

Almost every time I talk with my Dad these days, he tells me how much he likes my latest book SpeakStrong. He repeats himself – which I don’t mind, of course, by pointing out how it is much deeper than my previous books and how it requires much more of the reader.

I think it was also a repeat when he added,

• I wish you had written it 70 years ago. It makes me realize how little I communicated throughout my life. I regret that.

The perfect answer, of course is,

• Let’s make up for lost time now.

And we are.

Reading my books has given my father the opportunity to get to know me. And having the emotional intelligence and communication skills is giving us the opportunity to really get to know each other in his final years.

PowerPhrase: That sounds like something my mother would say.

“Roy” was highlighting the parts of his notes he wanted to emphasize in his presentation. He was marking so much that Carla commented,

- Why don’t you just highlight what you DON’T want to emphasize?

Roy replied,

• That sounds like something my mother would say.

I confess, I was also noticing that he was highlighting almost everything, and was glad I hadn’t been the one to make the comment.

Roy’s tone was very light and sweet – in no way chastising. And yet his message was clear. I feel quite certain Carla won’t mother him again. And I never will.

It’s subtle, but vital to understand how our words can come across as parental. I wrote about my own parental language when I asked my hubby if he was sure he wanted to eat the pizza. He and I are slowly becoming aware of ways we relate as parents, children, and counselors to each other to the detriment of our loving interaction. Catching comments like this one are part of that awareness.

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Poison Phrase: We will never have a good working relationship.

I was recently brought in to speak by a woman who had been told by her boss that:

- You and I will never have a good working relationship

After hearing my assistant’s seminar, she decided to prove him wrong. She succeeded.

She was new to her job when her manager gave her the thumbs down. Now they get along great because she took control of her job without being aggressive.

I love hearing stories like that! Poison Phrases can be challenges to fire back more poison – or they can be challenges to move the interaction to a higher level as my friend did.

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Reader Question: Personal hygiene revisited

Meryl,

I read your article about how to address personal hygiene issues. My situation is a bit different because the offender is a consumer at a mental health service. How can I tell him he needs to shower and change clothing? He’s in denial about it.

Meryl Responds,

I think the recommendations in the article can be adapted to your situation. Remember: say what you mean and mean what you say without being mean when you say it. What are the facts? How does his hygiene affect you? What do you want him to do? Why do you want him to know this? How would it benefit him?

Sometimes when people insist that what I’m asking for isn’t necessary, I’ll say,

• Will you please humor me and… (honor my request… my example: double check to make sure you don’t have the check I sent you. Your example: bathe before you come in.)

Be a broken record. Calmly and gently say you’d love to sit closer but due to his lack of hygiene you will need to sit across the room. Denial is generally most easily broken with gentle repetition.

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Kid corner

Wise big brother deludes ignorant youngster

Kid corner: hilarious cell phone word game

Observing birthdays

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Reader story: A loud radio

I put up with a coworker’s loud radio for nearly a year.  I work with words and found the country lyrics very distracting when I was trying to write.  I tried earplugs and headphones, but nothing blocked out the twang.  I knew that I should say something to her directly, but instead I complained about it to everyone else (I even made it a frequent Twitter topic).  My boss offered to intervene (tired of hearing my complaints), but I knew it would be best for all parties if I addressed it on my own.  But I was terrified!  I hate to make waves. I knew she liked having her radio on and didn’t believe my need for quiet was more important than her desire for music.  But I finally realized my productivity was suffering and my stress level was increasing.  I knew I had to say something, but how?

SpeakStrong to the rescue!  Your book helped me get the confidence I needed to say something and helped me find the right words to say it.  I am now working in a quiet, productive environment.  More importantly, I have learned the value of communicating my needs directly.  It feels great!

Thanks for writing your book and for all you do to help others be empowered communicators.

I started with Skill Set #15: Dare to Desire.  The examples hit home, and showed me how I’ve been conditioned to not ask for things I want.  But your book helped me understand that I shouldn’t feel guilty for having legitimate needs and, in this case, my need for quiet was quite legitimate especially since it was impacting my productivity and work performance.

As far as how  I asked, I reviewed Skill Set #17: Ask so you will receive.  I made sure I was clear in my asking, I let her explore alternatives with me, and I explained why I wanted what I wanted.

She said it was no problem to accommodate my request.

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Blog comments

As usual you are... (note irony)

Luann

What do you mean by that?

Saintly patience

What did you expect?

Got a comment or question? Comment on my blog and Ask Meryl.