Issue 366, Nov 4, 2009
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It’s not a man’s world out there anymore – MP3

It’s not a man’s world out there anymore. The sands of gender communication are shifting.

Last week I was a guest speaker for a Genderly Speaking teleseminar. It was fun – and satisfying to be able to talk about some ideas I’ve held for a long time that people now seem to be able to hear. Read the rest of the post here.

My new Secret Last Laugh blog has lots of interesting posts.

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PowerPhrase: Let's meet in person to discuss this.

A year ago, Janet knew everyone in one of her major client's office, but after so many lay-offs and other changes, she found she was working with a whole new team of people she didn't have a personal relationship with. She felt uneasy about a negotiation, so instead of ignoring her concern, she said,

• Let's meet in person to discuss this.

She flew in and got to know the new team, which reset the working relationship back to one of trust and understanding like what she had with the previous team.

When you use email, at the very least, pick up the phone at the first sign of tension or the first sense of a disconnect.

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Poison Phrase: You have a few feminine traits. That is okay. Most men do.

The host of a teleseminar I guest-presented for shared a story about a performance review she had many years ago, several years into her career as a manager. Her reviewer listed her strengths and concluded by observing,

- You have a few feminine traits. That’s okay. Most men do.

Of course she was taken aback, so the reviewer mentioned that for a moment he had forgotten she was a woman.

You can read more about it here.

Poison Phrase: She does that with everyone

We have a very social cat. She treats almost all of our visitors like cherished family. People who don’t know that about her often take it personally and comment on how much cats like them. While it occurs to us to say,

- She does that with everyone

…we don’t.

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Reader Question: When subordinates abuse power

Meryl: I am a manager supervising several locations. To help me out, I delegated some of my responsibilities to employees who have leadership capabilities. They are doing fabulous jobs, except that they sometimes grant themselves favors I would deny them. I brought it up but it happened again. I’m afraid if I come down too heavy I’ll anger them and lose their support. If I allow it to continue, I might get in trouble with the director for ignoring procedure. What do I do?

Response: While it sounds like you’re being held hostage by these people, you’re really being held hostage by your own fear of anger and retribution.

Say:

• I rely heavily on you and am very grateful to be able to have you represent me when I’m not there. As my representative, I need you to understand and honor procedures that apply to all of us, including myself and you. I have noticed times when you do not stick to procedure, which is why I want to review the guidelines.

After the review, ask,

• Are the guidelines clear?

If there is resistance, let them know,

• If you continue to violate guidelines, it could result in problems for all of us with the Director.

Then say,

• Thanks. Let’s meet next week to review how you apply the guidelines to make sure our understandings match.

That last part is key – follow-up. Assume your meetings are simply to make sure everyone understands. It might be that they need to know that abuses won’t go unnoticed, and follow-up will have that effect, but if you take the perspective of the follow-up as being training, it avoids implying guilt.

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