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Issue 375, March 3, 2010 Harvard Business Review post nails the need to consider image in choosing words and Speaking Strong Are you the kind of person who works cheap? Are you the kind of person who helps those in need? Peter Bregman highlights the importance of asking for things in ways that enhance self image in an article about motivation in Harvard Business Review. Bregman reported that when AARP asked some lawyers if they would reduce their fee to $30 an hour to help needy retirees, the lawyers declined. Then they asked the lawyers if they would do it for free. The lawyers agreed. Bregman explains that when we consider whether to do something, we subconsciously ask ourselves: “Am I the kind of person who . . ?” . When the lawyers were offered $30 an hour their question was “Am I the kind of person who works for $30 an hour?” Their answer was no. When they were asked to do it as service, they asked themselves, “Am I the kind of person who helps people in need?” Their answer to that question was yes. Fascinating! Think of the implications. And then, think of what kind of person the people in your life think they are – and how your words might challenge or enhance those images. Non-profit meeting planners sometimes ask me if I will speak for an honorarium instead of asking if I will speak for a reduced fee. Writing partners ask if their buddies would welcome input instead of if they need help. Good managers say they will ask their staff to do things instead of saying they will tell them to do things. People who speak for honorariums, receive input and are asked to do things feel different from those who reduce their fees, need help and are told what to do. When you pick your words, stay aware of what kind of person you are signaling the other person to be. Choose words that dynamize their self-images and create momentum. (My book SpeakStrong helps you do that. Read about it here.) PowerPhrase: let me give you gas money Our neighbor enjoys using his snow plow, and we regularly get plowed out before the snow even stops. We love that. Instead of asking our benefactor if he could pay him for plowing, my husband said,
Now, there’s no way our little driveway took that much gas. But had Bob offered to pay, it would have diminished the magnanimousness of the neighbor’s service. By considering it gas money, he could still tell himself, “I’m the kind of guy who helps his neighbor.” Which, of course, he is. And we’re the kind of people who like to show our appreciation. Poison Phrase: How cheap can you go? Some people are fun to work with and it’s almost an honor to accommodate their tight budgets. Others seem to slime vendors just by asking. A friend had a client ask him, - How cheap can you go on this? My friend angrily replied, - How cheap can you be? Of course that signals the message “I’m the kind of person who goes cheap.” Who likes that? But wording like,
signals a message, “I’m the kind of person who works with people.” That feels so much better, and is more likely to succeed. Reader question: Odd man (woman) out This title sounds like kids talking, but adults create relationship triangles too. I recently received a letter from a woman who lost two friends when they decided not to be friends with her anymore due to untrue rumors. Meryl, I had a situation where a friend got very upset with me from a rumor. In the aftermath of this “blow up” the two ladies I considered my closest friends dropped me from their calls, emails, text and day to day contact that was our normal way of life. Neither will talk to me about it. I feel devastated. I am going to be at a function this weekend that both of these people will also attend. How can I address it?” Response: Say,
I’ve had people suddenly disappear from my life as well. I consider it passive-aggressive behavior. Remembering that helps me detach from reacting. The best response is graceful assertiveness. You can’t force people to show up for you. But you can keep the door open and stay graceful yourself. Success Story: Kids' relationship contract resolves dramas I’ve written about “relationship by agreement” many times. Today I read a blog post that describes youngsters putting this into action. The Detective Mom’s daughter would find herself in friendship triangles where one friend would try to convince her to drop another as a friend. The last time the three got into a dispute, one girl drew up a contract about how they would treat each other. It solved the issue. Have you heard the song “I don’t want to play in your yard?” “You can’t holler down our rain barrel, Sounds reasonable to me. And the kids in the Detective Mom post demonstrate how to define what it means to be good to each other. People I work with and I define what being good to each other means for us, in terms like:
How do you define what being good to each other means to you?
Blog comments Reader seeks PowerPhrases to get food nazis to back off Find the Lost Generation, and the opportunities in the argument? |
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