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Issue 380, May 5, 2010 Do not hit reply Success story: facing the fire of accidental feedbackI assumed Joy meant to hit forward and hit reply instead. It was a copy of my newsletter with the question – “do you want me to keep forwarding these? There seems to be less and less each time.” So I hit reply. I said,
Joy replied with specific useful observations.
Joy’s words were well thought-out, well communicated and easy to digest. I won’t be customizing my newsletter for her, but I am making changes. It was a happy accident that gave me information I wanted. I’m glad I faced the fire and asked for feedback. And I thank her for being so considered in her response. P. S. Joy’s daughter answered her question about whether she wanted her mother to keep forwarding the newsletter. Joy’s daughter was quite specific as well about why she does want to keep getting them. Help me make you happy with your success stories and you with your newsletter feedback. PowerPhrase: Who controls this story?In the brilliant Michael Magnolias post You Can’t Change Something You Hate, Michael recommends asking,
He says, “In any given situation, a dominant story already exists. Who controls this story? It might be your biggest competitor, a recognized adversary, or the established social norm. You need to crack the existing code before you can socialize your own story into reality.” Michael is a story telling expert. I suggest you use this phrase to take charge of your communication. Notice if someone else is controlling your story when you speak. - I can’t be happy because they… or anything similar puts someone else front and center stage. Even if you’re against something, you are still defined by it. Be it the competition or the person who doesn’t respect you or the patriarchy or the government, unhook from letting others control your story. Make your story YOUR story. A YOU original.
Read the post and tell us how you write your own stories, comment Your positive qualities have run amuckEvan is one of the most gracious communicators I know. One example of this is the way he mentioned to a friend that,
He was referring to my friend’s tendency to over give. His words uplifted her as they focused her attention on where she needed to change in order to move forward toward her goals. Read bonus PowerPhrases:Semantics, PowerPhrase: Boy who is “too old for hugs” is willing to “tackle gently.” PowerPhrase: You’re a big sister now. No time to hate, and an emotional alchemy mapPoison Phrase: I don't want...I wish I had an alarm that would ring every time I type - I don’t want. That would remind me to rephrase and ask for what I DO want. This morning I started to type to my webmaster that, - I don’t want to make piecemeal shopping cart changes. I caught myself and retyped,
It sounds much better to sender and to receiver to talk about what we DO want. Read bonus Poison Phrases:Don’t talk about things you are passionate about We can’t proceed without approval Reader question: Phrases to talk to moody, buzz-kill coworkerMeryl, How do I address a moody coworker? Some days she’s fine, and other days she stops speaking to every one, is short and whines constantly. Response I respond differently based on the individual circumstance. I’d start by expressing concern. Since she is great some days, you can say,
When my hubby or I are grumpy, we might say,
That approach is best if there is a trusting foundation. She might have a legitimate beef that she doesn’t know how to bring up. In that case, I’d make it easy to talk. Something like,
If she complains about something of her own making or something she has the power to change, I’d say,
Or, say what you mean and mean what you say, without being mean when you say it. For me that might be,
Ultimately, however, it’s up to us to maintain or own equanimity. Often this is an issue because of a codependence that wants to control the responses of others because we haven’t figured out how to be the creator of our own stories and mood.
Stand up for your inner reptile!If you’ve heard me speak, you’ve probably met Izzie, my personification of the reptilian brain. And you know that Izzie is a bit like electricity. If you approach him/it with savvy and respect, you can harness a lot of power. That’s why I take issue with Michael Margolis’ suggestion that we avoid triggering the reptilian brain. Stand up for your inner reptile! Too many teachers give Izzie a bum rap. Izzie is an important part of our think/feel/want – thoughts/emotion/ action, communication dream team. We don’t want to negate him nor do we want to approach him recklessly. We want to treat him like electricity – with respect for his power. I will say, this is one tiny issue I have with an otherwise brilliant blog post. You can’t change anything you hate. Blog commentsI had a lively dialogue with Michael Margolis and others regarding Margolis gives Izzie a bum rap. Stand up for your inner reptile. and Who controls this story. He and others also weighed in on Your positive qualities have run amuck. Most of the comments here have comments, so I won't link to them here. Join the conversation!
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