Issue 389, August 19th, 2010

Got a question or comment? Please comment on my blog or email here: Ask Meryl.
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Gossip and Manipulation Webinar Slides and Archives are Available

It was a fabulous turnout for my McGraw Hill Gossip and Manipulation Webinar. If you missed it, you can watched the archive version here.

Perfect Phrases for Dealing with Gossip and Manipulation Meryl Runion, July 27, 2010

I posted the slides for you, too. Perfect Phrases Slides In it you'll read about how I can help you create communication agreements that will help you overcome gossip in your workplce.

I received many, many questions about how to deal with familiy members and with a boss who gossips. I will create a quick reference guide with specific phrases for that situation. Stay tuned. In the meantime, today's PowerPhrase is about how Ken addressed gossip in a Mad Men episode, and the Ask Meryl feature is about family gossip. They will give you phrases and options.

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PowerPhrase: I would appreciate it for the future if you did not say sh***y things about me behind my back.

Well, he didn’t use a phrase I can quote verbatim here, but I loved the fact that Mad Men’s character Ken Cosgrove addressed his displeasure at discovering that the Pete was gossiping about him. He said,

• I would appreciate it for the future if you did not say sh***y things about me behind my back.

Pete danced and deflected, but then apologized sincerely, and the two men enjoyed honest interaction after that. In fact, Ken gave Pete an idea that turned out to be extremely lucrative. In this case, humility paid off. It usually does.

In true Speak Strong fashion, Ken said what he meant and meant what he said without being mean when he said it. He:

1) Stated what he wanted, (said what he meant)

2) Didn’t let Pete get away with deflection attempts, (meant what he said) and,

3) Was not unnecessarily shaming or harsh. Once he accomplished his mission, he let it go. He wasn't mean when he said it.

I don’t have a problem with the expletive in this case because it almost certainly was appropriate to this culture. In another culture, it could trigger a reaction that would sabotage the effort.

I address gossip with clients when I help them establish communication agreements. When teams decide what kind of communication dynamics they want to have, they become more conscious of existing dynamics. When a group commits to steps to create collaborative communication cultures, the negative dynamics, like gossip, often drop off naturally. (I can guide the process with your group in a webinar format as well as in person.)

Some groups are comfortable with the expletives, but I have yet to find one that opts for gossip.

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Poison Phrase: Who told you that?

In a recent episode of Mad Men, when Kenny addressed his dismay with the fact that Pete was gossiping about him, and requested that he sot doing it, Pete responded with deflection. He said,

- Who told you that?

Pete quickly realized he was busted, however, dropped the defenses and apologized.

Deflection and distraction only makes you look worse. Yes, you might be able to twist and manipulate someone into letting you off the hook, but you miss a chance to move the relationship forward into a dynamic synocratice and mutually rewarding situation.

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What do you do when you get choked up during a critical conversation?

I love the Crucial Conversations team, and agree with most of their advice. Their recent response to a post from someone who gets choked up during important conversations was practical and useful. Phrases like,

• Excuse me while I collect myself

are useful to have handy when emotion rises. They add phrases such as,

• I’ve noticed that I’m getting a little emotional here. Could we take five minutes? and
• I’ve noticed that we seem to be debating this issue. I’ve been putting my point forward—perhaps too strongly. I’d like to turn that around and ask more questions so that I can understand your points clearly. Would that be okay?

Where I differ from the advice in their post is when they talk about controlling emotions. We get emotional because we have been controlling our emotion for far too long. There is power in emotion. Instead of letting the emotion control us or instead of pretending we don’t feel when we do, I recommend expressing emotion in balance with logic and will.

Here’s an article I wrote about making friends with our emotional nature so we can align and harness the power of our emotion instead of explode or suppress it. Emotional Map: How to Speak Strong when you are unsure of how you feel

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Featured blog post by Ken

Ken gets a free book for his blog post last week. It expands on my objection to the comment "there are two sides to every story." He notes,

For several years, I’ve been very fond of saying, “There are at least three sides to every story.” I use that phrase to remind myself and others that when taking a “he said, she said” type of argument, you have to remember that there are sometimes other factors involved that are being overlooked (or purposely omitted) in both stories.

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Reader Question: When families condemn: Stop the Toxic Gossip

Meryl,
My ex-brother-in-law left my sister 8 years ago. She was so angry, she exaggerated every wrong he ever did to the family. I understood her anger, but she made herself out to be such an innocent victim that I found it hard to listen to. It was like his actions justified every bad thing she ever did to him.

The rest of the family took her side and her ex's flaws have been a topic for discussion at every family gathering ever since. I've maintained a casual friendship with him and don't like hearing him made out to be public enemy number one - especially since he's been pretty active in my niece's life. They tone it down when my niece is around, but generally I can count on at least five minutes of updates on what bad news he is at every gathering. Things like showing up ten minutes late to get my niece are turned into major offenses, and any time he has a different opinion about what's good for my niece, they don't just make him out to be wrong, they make him out to be evil. It smacks with self-righteousness and I want to defend him but if I do, they act like I don't love my sister. What do I say when the gossip begins?

Response,
Say,

• None of us is as bad as the worst thing we've ever done. I don't condone what he did, but I don't enjoy condemning him either.,
• I don't need to hear this. I'll come back later and see if the topic has changed.,
• I can see many sides to this story, but it seems you only want to discuss one side, so I'll remove myself.
• I don't think he's perfect, but what does it say about us that after eight years we still find ourselves focusing so intensely on his flaws?
• It seems like if I don't take sides you think I'm taking sides with him. I'd like to go on record to say that I love my sister, like my ex-brother-in-law, and don't want to be in the middle of you.
• It's interesting that (name) never talks about you (my sister) this way. He's always very gracious in his comments.
• I’m afraid if I take any position other than that (name) is a monster in these conversations, that you’ll be talking about me this way when I’m not here. That has inhibited my honest for eight years now. I need to take ownership and let you know I don’t think he’s as bad as you make him out to be.

Tell me if any of these help. Also note that the last phrase is an important one for you to consider. Could it be that you owe him an apology for being in collusion all these years?

Readers?

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blog posts not listed here

I have a number of blog posts you won't want to miss. These are just a few.

You can’t talk your way out of a problem you acted your way into – but you can act your way to a new level

Wisdom from Inception quote: Dreams / perspectives feel real. Experience them and then wake up

Preemptive dismissals: embrace a point before you argue with it

Do you bank on smarter or dumber? Dynamic leaders bank on smarter.

Finding the smarter ground: @josephgrenny political discussions don’t have to be hostile.

What do employees want in employers? Hands down:Clarity. @danmulhern

PowerPhrase: I know my obsessiveness can be tedious at times.