Six Steps to Rerail the Derailed Discussion:
How to Talk to Your Communication Nemesis
Most people in your life have at least one predictable, irritating, derailing or even damaging communication habit. If you’re on the other end, you can be forgiven for being powerless in the face of their tactics for a while. But there does come a time when, if you don’t figure out how to respond effectively, you stop being a victim of these communication habits. You become a volunteer.
Because people predictably do what they do, you can prepare an effective response. Change the conversation by changing your side of the equation. Here’s how:
Six steps to rerail a derailed discussion
1. Collect and list things they say that irritate, derail or damage discussion
2. Put your list into categories
3. Note the effect of their words
4. Note your habitual response to what they say
5. Create options to respond differently
6. Assess your results and revamp your strategy
1. Collect and list things they say that irritate, derail or damage discussion
Their objectionable comments could include remarks like:
A. “No one does anything around here.”
B. “I’ll call you sometime.”
C. “Yeah, but you…”
D. “Look who decided to attend the meeting.”
2. Put your list into categories
The categories for this list could look like this:
A. “No one does anything around here.” Exaggeration
B. “I’ll call you sometime.” Vagueness
C. “Yeah, but you…” Diversion
D. “Look who decided to attend the meeting.” Sarcasm
3. Note the effect of their words
The effect of each of these objectionable comments might be:
A. “No one does anything around here.” - Demoralizing, destroys incentive because of no credit.
B. “I’ll call you sometime.” Nothing to count on or hold on to – “sometime” could mean anything.
C. “Yeah, but you…” Issues don’t get addressed.
D. “Look who decided to attend the meeting.” Creates defensiveness and negativity.
4. Note your habitual response to what they say
You may respond to their objectionable comments in the following ways:
A. “No one does anything around here.” Argue in an attempt to get the other to note accomplishments.
B. “I’ll call you sometime.” Wait for the call while feeling powerless to take action.
C. “Yeah, but you…” Defend against the charge, getting off track of the initial point.
D. “Look who decided to attend the meeting.” Snipe back, escalate.
5. Create options for responding differently
Here are some alternative possible responses to their objectionable comments.
A. “No one does anything around here.” Let them know the impact of their comment
B. “I’ll call you sometime.” Say, “If I don’t hear from you by…I’ll call you.”
C. “Yeah, but you…” Offer to discuss their issue with you later and redirect the conversation back to your issue with them.
D. “Look who decided to attend the meeting.” Ask about the issue behind the sarcasm. “Do you have an issue with my showing up late? I do value our meetings, and I can explain why I’m late if you would like for me to.”
6. Assess your results and revamp your strategy
What if your new approach doesn’t work? Assess your experience and adjust your approach. You now know one new thing that doesn’t work. Keep looking for what does.
Make change happen
People’s communication habits can be mind-numbingly predictable. You can thaw your mind by using what they say as fodder for change. These six steps help you talk to your communication nemesis. They help you rerail the derailed discussion.
For more information about how to deal with communication habits and styles, read my article: The Logician and the Dramatist: Learning How Not to React
http://www.speakstrong.com/articles/communication-styles/dramatist.html
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Meryl Runion and Speak Strong (SpeakStrong) provides Power Phrases (PowerPhrases) and other tools to help you improve communication skills at work and at home.
She is the author of the books PowerPhrases!, How to Use PowerPhrases, Perfect Phrases for Managers and Supervisors and How to Say It: Performance Reviews. She can be reached at: 719-684-2633 or by email:
