9/11 and Other Life-Changing Traumas
How and Why We Need to Talk
One event, billions of reactions
9/11 was traumatic, and trauma leaves its mark on everyone it touches. But even shared traumas leave different footprints on each individual they imprint.
Why?
1. Because our relationships to events are unique, and
2. Because our ways of coping with trauma are varied.
I can relate – in my own way
For example, my friend and her brother had different relationships to their mother, so they experienced her death differently. He was a misfit and missed the one person in the world who loved him unconditionally. She fit in with the world but not with her mother. She missed the nurturing she yearned for but never received. Both were torn and shaken by their mother’s death, but in very different ways.
I didn’t lose anyone on 9/11, and I wasn’t there. So my relationship to that horrible day was different from someone’s who suffered a more personal loss. But it still affected me. No matter where you were or who you knew or who you didn’t know there that day, 9/11 affected you too.
What gets you through the night
Even those who share similar relationships to a traumatic event will have unique responses. We each have our own ways of getting through a dark and difficult time.
1. Some will need to talk about it, analyze and review the same thing over and over.
2. Some will shut down, won’t want to talk about it and won’t want to listen to others who do.
3. Some will want to know everything there is to know about what happened.
4. Some will insist on summing things up quickly and moving on without probing further.
It’s difficult when people with different relationships to a tragedy and different coping styles go through a traumatic event together. Some families end up estranged and some couples end up divorced. (Think Cindy Sheehan.)
It’s good to talk – even if we’d rather not because…
There isn’t a right or a wrong way to cope with trauma – in moderation. There is a time and a place for everything – in moderation. When the time and place comes to talk, it can lift a burden from our souls. But we often postpone the healing dialog because…
1. Discussing a trauma causes us to relive the pain. It takes us back and it’s almost as if we’re there all over again. We conclude that, “Once is enough, thank-you.”
2. Our emotions are too intense to manage. We might not want anyone to see us out of control. We’re afraid we’ll choke on our own words.
Or…
3. We’re afraid we’ll say something that exposes our dark side and reflects badly on us. If they see us as we are, they might run screaming from the room.
We may rather not talk, but if we don’t discuss our trauma, that trauma takes longer to heal. Usually the things we don’t want to talk about are the things we need to talk about.
Gentle coaxing
If someone in your life is reluctant to discuss a trauma, there are four ways you can help them open up.
1. Let them talk on their own terms. Encourage any opening you hear – but don’t push. For example, a friend mentioned that 9/11 was so traumatic for her that she couldn’t talk about it. She went on and on about how she reacts when someone brings the subject up. But SHE’S the one who brought the conversation up that day. I encouraged her to talk more about how she couldn’t talk about 9/11. I think it was useful to her.
2. Make it safe for them when they do open up. Don’t judge anything they say. They may be going through their trauma in a completely different way than you would, but their way is their way. If they detect the slightest hint of judgment, they are likely to shut back down.
3. Make sure everything you say is for their needs, not your curiosity. I had all kinds of questions I would have liked to have asked my friend about her 9/11 experience, but I chose my remarks according to what I thought she needed and was able to discuss.
4. Listen to learn about them. Most of us don’t know how trauma changes the people in our lives and we don’t think to find out. If we are genuinely interested, they will open up. People like to tell their stories to the people who really care to hear them.
9/11 changed everyone it touched directly and indirectly
We will never be the same as we were on 9/10. But that means different things to each of us.
Politicians like to tell us how 9/11 changed everything, and they try to tell you what that means. You need to decide for yourself what it changed for you. How would you say 9/11 left its footprint on your psyche and your life? Please share your experience at: http://www.speakstrong.com/newsletter/2007/09/09/this-week-in-the-world-911-changed-everything-what-did-it-change-for-you/#respond
9/11 was highly traumatic. When traumatized, it’s really good to talk.
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Meryl Runion and Speak Strong (SpeakStrong) provides Power Phrases (PowerPhrases) and other tools to help you improve communication skills at work and at home.
She is the author of the books PowerPhrases!, How to Use PowerPhrases, Perfect Phrases for Managers and Supervisors and How to Say It: Performance Reviews. She can be reached at: 719-684-2633 or by email:
