Constructive Anger
How to SpeakStrong when you're seeing red
A train wreck ready to happen
“Why do I get the impression you want me to get over my anger and move on?” Julie complained.
“Maybe it’s because I’ve been trying to guide you to use your anger in a different way.” I responded. “When I see a train wreck waiting to happen, I try to steer you away from it. But I love and respect your passion, and I would never want you to bury your anger. I want you to use your anger constructively to get what you want.”
Anger is a powerful emotion. It’s much like a fire – and fire can cook your food or burn your house down. The difference is in how you apply it.
I would no more recommend that my beautiful, firey client shut her anger down than I would recommend that she drive her motorcycle with full power and the brakes on. I don’t recommend that you shut your anger down either. There’s power in your anger, so use your anger constructively.
Seven steps to handle anger
Got anger? Use it, but don’t abuse with it. Here are seven guidelines that will help.
1) Don’t resist your anger
There’s a saying that what you resist persists. It’s true. If you resist your anger, it will either eat you up emotionally or it will explode.
Anger contains so much power that it takes a lot of effort to resist it. That invests a great deal of your energy in an inner war that leaves you little energy left for productive activity.
2) Find a way to let off steam
If you’re ready to explode, find a way to release the excess without doing any damage. Deep breathing, sports activities and trusted friends are great ways to channel excess anger. If you clean your house when you’re angry, it will get clean really fast – and you’ll be better able to handle the situation that angers you.
3) Think determination
Anger is the emotional next-door neighbor to determination. When you become angry, think determination. What are you determined to have happen? And what course of action would be more likely to get you the results you want?
For tips about how to elevate your thinking, read A Tale of Pippi and Izzie.
4) Forget about revenge
It’s a natural reaction for most of us… – when someone hurts us, our knee-jerk reaction is to want to hurt them back. Bad idea. Almost every religion on the planet teaches the laws of karma – that you reap what you sow – in one form or another.
Revenge comes back to bite you – either from the person you attack, or possibly on a metaphorical level.
If you must have revenge, reasonableness is your best revenge.
5) Don’t base your behavior on theirs
If you’re angry at someone, chances are they are behaving badly. Someone has to be the bigger person. Don’t stoop to someone else’s level – even if they’re flaming the fire. Be 
strategic and speak to defuse tension and get positive results.
6) Set your goals
Decide what you want to accomplish. Then pick the words that are most likely to get you the results you seek. Resist the temptation to put “inflict harm” on your goal list.
7) Say what you mean, and mean what you say, without being mean when you say it.
That’s the SpeakStrong formula. If you’re angry, express it – in a way that is designed to resolve the situation – not in a way that is designed to do harm.
The effective use in anger
My client Julie is one powerful woman. If you are angry, you have a lot of power too. The question is: will you use that power of anger to (metaphorically) cook your food? Or will you use it to (metaphorically) burn a house down?
There are plenty of constructive uses for your anger. Revenge and suppression are not among them.
For more information about how to use anger effectively, get PowerPhrases!
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Meryl Runion and Speak Strong (SpeakStrong) provides Power Phrases (PowerPhrases) and other tools to help you improve communication skills at work and at home.
She is the author of the books PowerPhrases!, How to Use PowerPhrases, Perfect Phrases for Managers and Supervisors and How to Say It: Performance Reviews. She can be reached at 719-684-2633 or by email:
