The Gift and Poison of Mirrors
How to give and receive feedback that doesn’t take you out
© 2009 Meryl Runion

            

My friend Clair says evaluations say more about the person giving them than the one receiving them. I know what she’s talking about, but I take a more nuanced perspective. I see people as being like mirrors that reflect who you are and how you show up in life. Some mirrors make you look fat when you aren’t and other mirrors blur your blemishes. But even a bad mirror gives valuable information about you.

The best mirrors provide accurate reflections of the person they represent and the best feedback does too. However, good feedback also needs to consider how the person it reflects will take the information it provides. Good feedback is useless if it cannot be received and applied. Some feedback is a gift packed in poison. These dos and don’ts will help you to give and receive feedback in a useful way.

Feedback dos:

  • Make "feedback deposits" by not waiting until there are problems, but by also reflecting things that go well. Say things like: "I want to let you know how much I value the way I can count on your handling the details for me every day."
  • Be specific in your reflection of both positives and negatives. Say things like: "An example of what I am saying is…"
  • Talk about what you want instead of what you don’t want. Say things like: "How can we avoid this happening again in the future?"
  • Consider your words from the perspective of the listener and ask yourself if they are framed in ways you can apply.

Feedback don’ts:

  • Don’t wait until there is a problem to discuss issues. That’s like only having a mirror on bad hair days.
  • Don’t generalize. That’s like having a soft-focus mirror.
  • Don’t over-focus on problems: That’s like having a mirror that only shows your cellulite and overlooks your perfect teeth.
  • Don’t be mean or hurtful.

Receiving feedback effectively is as important as giving it well. When receiving the feedback, do:

  • Consider the source and interpret the feedback accordingly. Tell yourself, "She is a very high achiever who thinks I’m lazy…" rather than "I am lazy."
  • Thank the giver for their input, whether positive or negative. Say, "Thanks for pointing that out."
  • Look for the gift in what they say. Ask yourself, "How can I benefit from this? How can I apply this?"
  • Embrace your shadow / limits. Let yourself be an imperfect human. It gives you less to defend against, and makes it easier to hear what you need in order to grow.

When receiving feedback, DON”T:

  • Deflect their input. This is like thinking a mirror has nothing to offer you if it has a slight distortion.
  • Hear what they say as absolute truth. This is like believing all mirrors offer perfect reflections.
  • Personalize: A mirror with distortions will reflect similar distortions with everyone it reflects. It’s not about you.
  • Over focus on what they say. It’s like rejecting a grand mirror because there’s a smudge somewhere.

While no one recommends looking in the mirror 24 hours a day, there is value in occasional reflections. Provide a feedback mirror for others, and review feedback mirrors provided by others. That is essential for success.


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Meryl Runion and Speak Strong (SpeakStrong) provides Power Phrases (PowerPhrases) and other tools to help you improve communication skills at work and at home. You can read more about her at www.speakstrong.com.

Meryl is the author of six books on communication that have sold over a quarter million copies worldwide, including Speak Strong, PowerPhrases!, How to Use PowerPhrases, Perfect Phrases for Managers and Supervisors, and How to Say It: Performance Reviews. You can reach her at 719-684-2633, or by email:

You can also follow Meryl on Twitter: http://twitter.com/merylrunion.