"Joe" was eager to tell me all the details of a recent luncheon fiasco. It took a long time before they started serving food, the chairs were hard and the lines were long.

I didn't have to imagine why that was so tedious. I attended a wedding reception last week where the bride and groom arrived an hour after the guests, and then they invited people to get thier food by table numbers. We were table 22 out of 22 tables. We were right by the serving lines, and yet it took another hour before we could serve ourselves. So I told Joe about my experience.

"Yes, but you're much younger than I am, so it's not so difficult", Joe replied.

Wait - is this a competition? I don't know if Joe thought I was trying to steal his thunder, or if he intended to come across competitively, but his words did plant competitive seeds.

I replied,

• Im saying that I feel your pain because you're describing a situation similar to one I've had recently.

Joe was satisfied with that. 

Have you ever found yourself in an argument and wondered how or why it happened? I sure have. Related experiences like we had can be the source of bonding - or the source of dueling. I know which choice I prefer. You?

Some ministers will perform weddings with little or no input from the engaged couple. Not Evan. He asks the couple to consider what they want to accomplish in their ceremony, and what ideas they have about how to achieve that. It's a bit of a trick, he confesses, that gets the couple to take ownership of the event. He never says - I want you to take ownership here. He just sets it up so couples do. 

Some leaders will lead their company meetings. Not Paul, at Fastcap. Every employee leads the meeting in turn. It's a bit of a trick, to get employees to take ownership of the meetings. He never says - you need to take ownership of this meeting. He just gives them the experience of leading, and they do. 

My massage therapist will put aroma oils on her hands and ask me to take a deep breath to absorb the scent. I believe it's a trick, to get me to bring my attention into the room, into my senses, and on what she's doing. She never says - be here now. She just asks me to smell a lovely fragrance and it draws me in.

Last week I asked my assistant to help me with something I was stuck with. She got as stuck with it as I did. I didn't mean it as a trick, but it turned out to be one. When I later had a breakthrough, she was far more able to appreciate the significance for having struggled with it herself. And since then, her input on other things has taken on a new level of depth. I never suggested attempting the project would deepen her understanding. I just asked her to try, she did and it did.

I invited my husband to eat dinner with me. He had been eating at odd times and usually in front of the television. It was a bit of a trick. Interacting nightly over food deepened our relationship. I never asked him to relate at a deeper level with me. I just invited him to share food, and the deepening happened.

It's not manipulation. There's nothing devious about it. While we might not announce the reasons for our actions, we feel no need to hide them either. It's just that some communication challenges are best handled by your trickster.

This week, I led the dance with my dance group. That was a bit of a trick. Experiencing the dance from the side of the facilitator helped me appreciate what the main organizers do. I absolutely intend to arrive on time in the future. The organizers never asked me to arrive on time.  The trickster showed me what a difference it makes when you're leading something. 

This time, the trick was on me.

Who do you know that could use a visit from the trickster?

My dance group closes with single word summaries of our individual experiences. It's a lovely way to end. A single word summary generally comes from the heart and experience, rather than the mind, and thinking. You can tell someone didn't get deeply into the dance if they intellectualize the simple sharing, use several words, and express ideas and thoughts instead of an experience. That doesn't happen often.

This week I created the playlist for my dance group. The single words people shared after our dance were closely aligned to the experience I had intended to elicit. Hearing their words deepened my own experience and appreciation.

My work involves coaxing people out of their minds to get to the heart of their message. People often think they don't know what to say because their minds hijacked their perceptions. In a way, I trick people into expressing authentically by setting up situations that get their minds out of the way. A single word summary is a great tool for that. It can coax us out of our minds.

So try it. If someone is having trouble describing something, ask them,

• If you had to sum it up in a single word, what would it be?

Be prepared to be surprised by what you hear. And be prepared for them to be surprised by what comes out of their mouths. It's a powerful tool. When I coax people out of their minds, I'm usually in awe of what they have to say. And so are they. 

It was one of those calls I love to get - someone inviting me to speak at a conference because he enjoyed hearing me speak at the NE ShingoPrize conference so much. (That's me on the left after speaking, with some of my buds.) And it was the kind of feedback I love to get - very specific about how effective the presentation had been. It would have made a perfect quote for my website. I asked if he'd be willing to say those things in writing. He was - or would have been had he had any idea what he had just said. He sent me something in writing that was much more thought-out - and much less interesting or from the heart. 

Thinking isn't all its cracked up to be. In fact, it very often inhibits sincere communication. Don't get me wrong - it's a part of good communication. But don't let it get in the way of expressing yourself.

Yesterday I posted about what to do BEFORE you open your mouth. Now I have a recommendation of what to do WHEN you open your mouth.

Listen to what you say. You might surprise yourself. And you might find that you know exactly how to word things when you have those important conversations. 

The SpeakStrong Method is about getting out of your own way to say what your intellect can't express on its own. Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to get out of my own way so I can reconstruct what this gentleman said to me before he knew he was going to be quoted. You know, before he thought about it. 

If you do this before you open your mouth, it can save you a world of grief.

Make sure you're looking at things from the high side.

The high side is the unobstructed view without the burden of your ego, agenda or a need to prove anything. The high side is loyal to the truth, the team and genuine understanding with no need to score points.

Okay, here's a news flash for you. I don't naturally live on the high side all the time. I have an ego that can be sticky at times. Most of the time I know when my ego wants to do the talking. When that happens, I don't fight with my ego, but I don't lead with it either. I do things to elevate my perceptions and get me seeing the high side of life. THEN I have the conversation.

It's tough to get enough serotonin (feel-good neurotransmitters) to stay up in the winter. Doing things to improve health and well-being is particularly important in months like February when we're all pulled below the cloud cover at times. Exercise, fresh air, reading things that inspire you, reflection, all can help you see that the sun is still shining, even when you don't see it. And it's a good idea to bank a little extra, like take a hike before your attitude signals that you need it. 

You can't solve a problem at the same level it was created. You need to bump your perception up a notch. So take care of you, and then open your mouth. In fact, I think I'll take a bit of my own medicine right now and take care of me.

One big creativity buster is having to get things "right" the first time. Last month, my assistant Angela and I created a new target structure for our work together. We created it as an experiment rather than a do-or-die goal. Then life happened. Our target vs. actual were so different that an outside observer to what actually happened wouldn't have a clue what we were striving toward.

When it came time to debrief our attempts, it wasn't about blame. We compared target vs. actual and acknowledged how different they were. But we work from a philosophy that we affirm this way:

• We don't fail, we learn.

In this case, we discovered that our target had been overly ambitious. Both of us felt strain trying to be available to the other within the new structure. It was a flawed system, with two people in it trying, but unable, to fit our activities into the system. Sound familiar?

I speak only for myself here. In the course of the trial, I found myself tempted to blame Angela for the fact that we were so far off target. I felt irritation from straining to meet the target, and really had to watch myself to keep from projecting that as some flaw of hers. I know better, but was tempted anyway. I can say this: Angela acknowledged that striving to meet the structure we had set had been a strain for her as well.

The really cool thing is, we didn't fail, we learned. We replaced our old structure with a more realistic one, and the very first day we tried it, we both felt at home with it. Every management trainer will tell you SMART goals are realistic, and setting unattainable goals is a set-up for failure. Unrealistic goals demoralize staff.

Well, you don't always know what's realistic until you try, and that's why being kata-based - or practice based - and running experiments to see what targets are stretches and what targets are strains - is a very useful thing. As long as you remember: When you earnestly strive toward a stretch goal, you don't fail as long as you learn. 

Will we stick exactly to the times and agreements we structured? Probably not. Even though we're currently in a place that seems good so far, with each step we learn more. That means we will continue to refine and adjust, but one thing you can count on, we won't fail.

. 

Being old is better than you think. That's one chapter head for Tried and True Advise from the Wisest Americans. So far, I'm in! And who are these wise Americans who provide these juicy tidbits? One thousand people over age 65.

Our newspaper had an article that summarized the marriage points today. They aren't so surprising, yet they are profound. Shared values, friendship, don't keep score and talk to each other.

And number five is my favorite.

• Don't commit to the partner. Commit to the marriage itself.

"Seeing the marriage as bigger than the immediate needs of each partner helps people work together to overcome the inevitable rough patches."

Actually, that's great advice for admin-exec relationships, teams and all kinds of partnerships. My assistant and I have a commitment to our partnership. If anything seems to interfere with our association, we clear it up.

Think about what commitment to a partnership instead of the partner might look like in your life. 

And while you're at it, think about why being old is really kind of cool.

My friend Paul (who owns a manufacturing company) declared, "I hate theory!" He avoids abstraction and very much favors concrete examples and direct experience.

Now I don't hate theory, but I like to have enough concreteness to be able to understand how theories play out in on-the-ground reality. That's one reason why my phrase books are so useful - they bring theory down to earth and back to life.

So, like Paul, I use this PowerPhrase a lot.

• Show me.

My cue for that phrase is when I start to get an ungrounded feeling in my stomach. Do you know that one? Now, if I have a lot of experience in an area, I can hear theory without getting that sense. But if I have nothing to tie theory to, my reptillian brainlet starts to revolt and request grounding with an example.

Try it yourself. The next time someone is talking in ways that don't make sense to you, simply ask them this:

• Can you show me?
• What does that look like?
• How would I know when that happens?

Shall I show you? Would you like to "see" how that works in the workplace? Check out yesterday's blog post. 

Have you ever been "accused" of being "too enthusiastic"? I have. 

In excess, our very best traits can also be our worst flaws. But what do you do when you naturally are enthusiastic and people say it's too much?

If you're Wanda, you ask,

•          What would a more appropriate level of enthusiasm look like?

That question got her a useful response. Her client told her the concern was that her enthusiasm would cause her to make light of genuine issues and challenges. People simply needed to know she has critical thinking skills and is capable of having the challenging conversations that the job she was interviewing for requires.

She knew she could, and she demonstrated that quality in subsequent interviews. 

More importantly, by asking for specific information, she was able to clear up something that had confused her for a very long time. She had wondered - how could anyone be too enthusiastic? Now she understood what the deeper concern was. Now she won't let her enthusiasm make her appear to lack critical thinking skills. (In fact, her skills were sharp enough to tell her that wasn't the job for her.)

I like John Gray. I think his Mars Venus info has its place. But I was disappointed to hear that he's still talking about saying things to score points. He tells guys that every expression of appreciation is worth one point in girl currency. You get a point for saying, "tell me more." You get a point for working hard. You get a point for a single rose. You get a point for a dozen roses. 

John Gray's point system misses the point.

You can go cheap or you can go deep. If you're saying things to score points and monitoring your tone to sound sincere, you're going cheap.

Do you live your life to score points? Think about it. I don't appreciate the beauty of my hiking trails to score points. I don't appreciate brilliant ideas to score points. I don't appreciate great food to score points. I do it because I value those things. And if I'm excited about what someone does, I don't tell them to score points. I tell them because my appreciation overflows. 

Now, it's true that sometimes we develop a habit of not sharing our heart-felt appreciation. That's a good habit to change.

Points feed transactional relationships

But a problem with sharing appreciation to score points is, it's transactional. It feeds transactional relationships, not synergetic ones. It's "give to get," not "give as a gift." And the sense of obligation it creates can be deadly to relationships. It gets people thinking they're owed. The best relationships are ones where giving is for it's own pleasure, not to score points.

Here's another point problem. It turns men into little boys and women into mothers. Now there's a turn-on for you! (In case you missed it, that was irony.)

The same is true of giving in business. I don't weigh in on a colleague's work because I hope they'll weigh in on mine. I do it because I enjoy it. I often close by saying, "thanks for letting me play." If it starts turning into work for me, I reconsider. Keeping score changes the relationship, and not in a good way. 

It's about the synergy

If you don't feel appreciation, don't express it. Do go deep and find out why you don't have it. Do have conversations with yourself, and perhaps with others about how you can show up more dynamically. Don't settle for transaction when you can have synergy. Don't miss the point by going for points.