June 23, 2009Quick Tip: New email book says only check email 3x day
Randy Dean’s new book suggests checking email 3X a day. I”m not sure I can discipline myself to do that. But I might give it a try…
I feel freer already…
June 23, 2009SS Reader question: Self esteem and Poison Phrases
Meryl,
It seems all the common point of poison phrases is they are meant to undermine one’s identity.
Here the question is:
1) Does the term “identity” refer to self-esteem?
2) If yes, what exactly are the components of self-esteem?
3) If no. then what are the components of identity with reference to Speaking Strong?
Response
You are so making me think.
I could get esoteric about soul identity but on a more mundane level I’d say we have true identities and hide behind false identities. True identity is your inherent nature like it’s a cat’s nature to be independent. A false identity would be if a cat got the idea that it should be more loyal like a dog and pretended it was, while secretly yearning to be alone or sit in a new person’s lap.
Self-esteem is recognizing your identity and being comfortable with who you are without having to inflate your image to yourself or others.
Poison Phrases are things people say that sabotage clear communication. If I go on the attack, it’s likely to shut you down and abort our connection. I may or may not undermine your identity, but if it gets in the way of communication, it’s a Poison Phrase.
Speaking Strong is about communicating from the core of your being, speaking from true identity, not posturing. And it’s about doing it successfully, with grace and skill.
June 23, 2009Poison Phrase: Flip cameras are cruel
I’m playing with my flip cam but am not at all happy about what it does with the lighting and how I look. I recorded myself in front of a mirror and could see my own reflection in the mirror and also the reflection of how the flip cam was rendering me. I told a friend that:
- The camera was more cruel than the mirror.
Later I realized I could have said the mirror was kinder. As many times as I’ve mentioned the importance of talking more about what we want than what we don’t want, I still slip into the negative side of the equation at times.
I realized that tendency when reviewing my writing for a new project. My words spoke more about the problems with how things are than about my vision of possibilities. My Brand Aid formula starts with,
* Imagine a world where.
I am reworking my writing to emphasize my vision. That’s how my World of Truth video starts too. Talking about solutions more than problems is both more uplifting and more effective.
I’d like to find a flip cam that is as kind to me as my mirror. Any suggestions?
June 23, 2009Email bugging you? Valuable new book.
Imagine a world where every word marketers told you was true. Where you always got what you thought you were getting. Of course our world isn’t like that, and that’s one of the reasons relationship marketing is on the rise. We’ve decided we cant trust Madison Avenue, so we prefer to trust someone we are familiar with.
Of course, relationship marketing can be abused as well. There are plenty of people who will promote their friends and partners whether it is in the customer’s interest or not. That violates trust. We each need to have our own policy about how we give out endorsements.
I pass on most of the endorsement requests I receive, but if I like a product and think it will be useful to my readers, I’m happy to share the word. This week I recommend that you check out Randy Dean’s new book Taming the E-mail Beast: 45 Key Strategies for Better Managing Your Email Overload. I also provide a bonus product for his launch called How to SpeakStrong Electronically.
I received a bonus in that when I told Randy that I had uploaded my bonus PDF myself, he told me how I could upload files and send links instead of attachments. I’m sure you’ll find hundreds of tips in Randy’s book that are as useful to you as that one was to me.
Imagine a world where your inbox was empty and you could find every email you look for instantly. If your e-mail is bugging you, get a copy today. And get my bonus eBook in the process.
Gender brain differences and The Nothing Box
You’ve got to love it. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0BxckAMaTDc Insightful and amusing. Check it out and read my comments.
The SpeakStrong Zen of Twitter
What does Twitter teach us about Zen and Speaking Strong?
June 19, 2009SpeakStrong, the nothing box and gender brain differences
You’ve got to love it. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0BxckAMaTDc Men have their ideas tucked into boxes that don’t touch. Women’s brains are webs…everything thought and experience is connected.
Stereotypes are dangerous ground but lightly embraced descriptors can sure add clarity.
We tend to assume that others think like we do. That’s why Speaking Strong is about the three stories – yours, theirs and ours. We speak from our own experience, incorporate theirs, and come up with a shared perspective.
Can a woman really find her way into a man’s “nothing box?” Does she even want to?
My response is, yes she can, but she can’t force her way there. And as far as wanting to goes, it’s a wonderfully compliment to the way her own mind works, so I would say yes, she does.
June 19, 2009The SpeakStrong Zen of Twitter
A very wise and inspired friend spoke of the joy he finds moment to moment in how the play of life unfolds. “And it keeps on moving.” He said.
You can never assume you’ve got it. You must be open to what comes next. If you have an inspired moment and hold on to it, you will lose the magic.
Can you guess where this is going? Twitter moves so fast that you always have to be awake and aware in the moment. You have to respond to the community as it exist now, not five minutes ago.
Speaking Strong is like that. I wrote my book PowerPhrases fully aware that the danger in providing phrases is that people will use it in a static way, rather than reference the uniqueness of each moment and respond genuinely.
And I recently wrote the book SpeakStrong (visit my store) to help people connect with the experience right in front of them and respond. It’s kind of a Zen of Business and Personal Communication book.
It’s a great lesson in being in the moment. But so is twitter.
June 19, 2009SpeakStrong HT say NO Quick Tips for Woman’s World
I got a call from a Woman’s World journalist on how to say no. Here’s what I gave her. We’ll see what she uses.
Her header
Get extra hours in your day – effortlessly!
Are you always the one who gets asked to start a carpool, work late so others don’t have to, or pushed into things you really don’t want to – or even can’t – do because you’re afraid of letting people down?
Well, don’t worry about it! First, research shows turning down a request doesn’t make you seem rude to the other person at all – we feel worse about it than they do! But there are ways to turn down requests and still appear polite, experts promise, so you don’t have to feel guilty! Here’s how!
WW Approach
Ask a favor after you say no. Sound crazy? “It works because when we say no, we feel guilty and indebted to that person,” says David Lieberman, PhD, author of Get Anyone to Do Anything. “But by asking a favor of them right after – especially one you know they can’t really do – you’ve in effect cancelled that debt so there’s no reason for guilt!” How to do it.
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My comment:
I don’t care for this one as stated because it sounds manipulative, but I do see the value of turning the situation around.
- When you decide to say no, think of why. What priority do you have that helping them would compromise.
- Avoid sounding retaliatory or defensive in asking.
- Use the word “because” in explaining why you can’t comply, and ask for their help with your priority. The word “because” sounds authoritative, even if your reason isn’t all that good.
- Say, “I’m going to say no because I’m working on X. There is something I could use help with on that project. Would you…?”
Example: Kids are home for the summer and will barrage their parents with requests. When the child says, “Can you take me to Chuck-E-Cheese, say, “Not today because I’m cleaning the basement. I could use some help. Would you sort through the boxes for me to see which ones are still good?”
Your kids will stop nagging you to take them to Chuck-E-Cheese.
WW Approach
Her approach
Shake your head as you say no. Visual cues like shaking your head no are actually more effective than the word ‘no’, according to psychological research!
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My comments
If you’re a reluctant no-sayer, chances are good that your body-language broadcasts your hesitation and signals the other person that you can be pressured into a yes. If your words say no and your body says yes, the requester will believe your body language. Slowly turn your head from side to side before you speak and look up and to the left as if you are considering their request and scanning your mind researching the situation to see what’s possible. That way your shaking head looks like you’re reading the situation and objectively reporting what you observe rather than stubbornly resisting.
Her Scenario:
Be thankful to be asked. Acknowledge the person’s request with a flattering statement, such as ‘Thanks for thinking of me,’ or ‘What a great idea!’ This actually makes them feel good about asking you – even though they didn’t get the answer they wanted. More tk.
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My comment
Some phrases:
• “I understand this is important.” Then go on to say, “My situation is… Perhaps next time.”
• “I appreciate you thinking of me.” Then go on to say, “I have other plans. I’m sure you’ll find the person you need.”
• “I see you need help.” Then go on to say, I can’t give you the help you need because… ___?
• “I’m honored that you thought of me.” Then go on to say, “This is too big a project for me. I wish I could help.
• “Sounds interesting.” Then go on to say, “I have other commitments”
• “I know this is important.” Then go on to say, “ I’m working on… so I won’t be able to
Stall for time.
Chronic yes-sayers need to break the yes habit. Do that by adopting a standard delay phrase and using it regularly – even if you expect to say yes. Some phrases are,
- Can I get back to you on that?
- Let me check and get back to you.
- I need a few minutes to consider your request.
- I’d like a little more information to decide if this will work for me.
This will give you the space you need to overcome a yes habit.