May 3, 2006Formal Address
Dear Meryl,
I would like your suggestion for alternate ways to address someone formally other than the Mr., Mrs., Miss, Ms.
I am a single woman and personally believe that my marital status is not my identity and very much dislike being addressed as “Miss/Ms. Bird”. I know it is meant as a sign of respect, but feels to me as condescending and honestly just annoying.
Meryl Responds
I don’t have anything to offer you here. I prefer people use my first name as I don’t care much for formality. I invite the readers to offer their suggestions, but if we don’t come up with something new, I suggest you decide what you prefer to be called from the available options and let them know. Most people are happy to honor your requests.
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Well they could always address her as Mam, Madame or Bird. A last name
address is how they do it in the military. She could also come up with a nickname and have them use that if she’s uncomfortable with or doesn’t like the above options.
Comment by Amy — May 3, 2006 @ 1:34 pm
I believe Ms. is a neutral. It does not differentiate between single and married. According to Websters dictionary:
Ms. is now widely used in both professional and social contexts. As a courtesy title Ms. serves exactly the same function that Mr. does for men, and like Mr. it may be used with a last name alone or with a full name. Furthermore, Ms. is correct regardless of a woman’s marital status, thus relegating that information to the realm of private life, where many feel it belongs anyway. Some women prefer Miss or Mrs., however, and courtesy requires that their wishes be respected.
Comment by Alex — May 3, 2006 @ 1:42 pm
Thirty years ago this title business always bothered me. I decided that Ms. was an appropreiate title for any woman, married or single. Mr. does not reflect whether a man is married or not. My employer at the time thought I was a bit nuts, but time has not changed my view. Of cource, my daughter had to remind me that my real name was not “Mom”. If a woman would prefer to called Mrs., then that is fine by me. I will still continue to address letters, cards, and business papers as Ms. Smith.
Just a side note, in the South, any woman is called Miss (her first name). That took a bit of getting used to, but I did realize that this was a sign of respect. Yes, it didn’t matter if the woman was married, single or divorced, she was just Miss _______. Thanks for listening.
Comment by Donna Wedemeyer — May 3, 2006 @ 1:58 pm
The “Miss (first name)” (which is more usually pronounced “Miz”) is not really that common in the south any more. It is certainly not used in business settings, but you do sometimes find it in social settings. I’ve heard it used by older men and by children.
With children, it is considered more respectful than just the first name alone. When it’s an older gentleman, I find it either condescending or strange, depending on the situation. If you would call my husband “Mr. (last name),” then afford me the same courtesy. If you would call him by his first name, then call me Jaclyn.
Like Meryl, I generaly prefer people to call me by my first name. If not, either “Ms.” (which does not denote a marital status) or “Mrs.” is fine by me. I’m much more annoyed by people who shorten my first name to Jackie. If they knew me, they’d know I don’t go by that!
Comment by Jaclyn — May 3, 2006 @ 2:46 pm
I agree that Ms. is a neutral derivative form of Miss or Mrs.
I have always insisted that my children use use an appropriate title when addressing adult neighbors and friends. My husband and I believe that this is a sign of respect. We also prefer that our children’s friends call us by our appropriate title…Mr. and Mrs. Generally, they call us Mr. T and Mrs. T, which is fine and we consider still respectful. We are parents, not their friends. My oldest son’s best friend calls us mom and dad which is fine with us because he is like a part of the family.
I am a nurse; I believe that it is also respectful to individuals in a healthcare setting, such as patients, to ask how an individual would like to be addressed. I would also rather be asked how I want to be addressed. It is never safe to “assume” that a woman is a Mrs. and automatically calling a woman by that title can be offensive.
I am my own person and not an offshoot of my husband or my husband’s name just because we are married; thus I prefer, like Meryl, to be called by my first name and not have my name prefaced with Mrs. I will correct people by saying, “Please, call me Mary.” and thus give them permission to call me by my first name. Calling me by a nickname, such as “Mare” or “Mares” is something that I reserve for my close friends, parents, and husband. If someone casually calls me by these nicknames, I will also tell them that I prefer to be called Mary. I tell them, “I feel uncomfortable when you call me Mares. That is what my husband and parents call me. Please call me Mary.”
Comment by Mary — May 3, 2006 @ 6:12 pm
Get over it. You are who you are - not what people call you.
Comment by Mark — May 3, 2006 @ 7:57 pm
Although I would not have stated it so exactly, I agree with Mark. I believe that as long as a person is being respectful when then speak to you, the title or nickname used should not be upsetting. I get called all versions of Kim - Kimmy, Kimber, Kimberly, even “K” and I don’t mind as long as the person speaks to me respectfully and doesn’t use a title/nickname in a derogatory manner.
I tend to call people by Sir or Ma’am - as my parents raised me to, and even as I’ve grown up, I still find it difficult to deviate from that when people ask that I call them by their first name. It just takes me some time to get in the habit of using the person’s first name, especially if I don’t know them very well. Hopefully no one takes offense to that, as I use those titles as the ultimate sign of respect.
It just seems like people get caught up too much in the words and not the intention behind them. I care more about the way people talk to me rather than the title/name they use when they talk to me.
Comment by Kim — May 4, 2006 @ 5:55 am
I haven’t heard this much discussion over this title business since the 60’s! As Alex pointed out, “Ms” IS the neutral title, avoiding any reference to a woman’s marital status. What was curious to me, after reading all the comments, was how often folks wished to be addressed by their first names. I am thinking of all the times I encounter people who may have reason to know my name, and how many of those times I do NOT want them assuming the familiarity implied by use of my first name. Every business that I give a check to. Every tele marketer. Every email advertiser. I think there are good reasons to encourage use of a title and a last name in some situations like these. Not the least of which is reinforcement of the instruction we give our youngest citizens about being wary of strangers who pretend to know them by calling them by their first name. I feel no one should call me by my first name until invited to do so.
Comment by Kathleen DuBois — May 4, 2006 @ 6:06 am