May 4, 2006Have it Your Way
Meryl
I have a girlfriend who has recently become engaged. Because she is medically a high anxiety person, she and her fiancé would like to keep the wedding ceremony very small and hold the large reception for family and friends after. She spoke with her parents about her wishes last night and was read the riot act. Her parents feel that everyone would be highly offended if they were not invited to attend the wedding ceremony and could only come to the reception.
Where I understand that the family and friends (myself included) would love to attend the wedding, I understand where my friend is coming from. Why should she feel uncomfortable standing in front of over 150 people exchanging her vows? I feel that the bride and groom to be’s wishes should be honored for a small wedding.
I would like to request from you and your readers possible suggestions for what my friend could say to the potentially upset uninvited guests as well as a way for her to explain her reasoning and stand her ground when discussing the plans with her parents.
All feedback is welcome. Thank you.
Meryl Responds
There’s no need for her to be apologetic about wanting a small wedding. It’s her wedding, her special day, and she has every right to have it her way, and if people don’t understand that, it’s their problem. I would leave out the anxiety part and just state her desire clearly.
- My dream wedding has always been small, quiet and intimate, and my dream reception is a great celebration with all the people I care about. You’re one of those people, and it would mean a lot to have you at the reception.
- We’re having a small wedding so we’re just having immediate family there, but we’re having a big reception, and I’d love for you to be there.
As far as parents go, it’s important to acknowledge their perspective.
- This is a special day for all of us. My dream is a small wedding and it sounds like you envisioned a big one. I don’t want to disappoint you, but I’m only planning on getting married once, and I know having a small group will make it so much more special for me. I’m sure our true friends will understand.
Thait’s the best I can do now…but perhaps my readers will have things to add.
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I would suggest to those who question the couple’s plans: Perhaps the desire has been to be be married in a special place that is small, only accomodating a few guest? Does the bride &/or groom having trouble speaking in front of large groups, have soft voices that do not carry well? The wedding itself can often be like being on stage with the bride and groom having to perform. Those invited to the ceremony would be doubly honored, a great treat for those truly closest to the couple. The reception is a big party and can be treated as such. Think how much more relaxed the couple would be at their own reception if it followed the ceremony of their choosing. Weddings should not be treated as paybacks for parental social obligations; ie. ” we went to the Jones’ wedding so they must be invited” Getting married is such a major step and with all the changes marriage itself brings, stresses put on by other people regarding “the event” should be put in the proper perspective. The bride & groom should stand their ground, and politely say “This is what we choose for our special day” Best of luck to them….. MOB (Mother of the Bride)2004
Comment by Chris — May 10, 2006 @ 11:18 am
Having been the Mother of the Bride recently (and a Meeting Planner by trade), I must say that I agree with Meryls’ advice. One caution I would like to offer is to remember there are two families being affected here (the groom’s and the bride’s). While the wishes of the bride and groom should always be honored, it needs to be acknowledged that each set of parents have visions of this very important day, also.
The bride and groom need to realize that their parents love them very much. Out of that love comes the desire to be a part of the planning and excitement leading up to the wedding, not necessarily to dictate how it is to be done.
My suggestion is to get both sets of parents in the same room with the bride and groom to discuss this. I find it helpful for all parties to come up with a 3 column list regarding the event. One column for the ‘must be included’, one column for the ‘must be avoided’ and the third for the ‘wish list’ or ‘would be nice to include’. When the parties come together, they should agree that the bride and groom’s list is the master. Then together they should use their problem solving skills to determine how best to include or avoid the parent’s issues.
The last thing is to assign duties or areas of responsibilities to each set of parents so they feel part of the process. The hardest part for the bride and groom is to keep positive family relationships intact. After all, when the honeymoon is over, this is what matters. Good luck to all!
Comment by Carol Lathrop — May 10, 2006 @ 12:35 pm
My friend Laura was in her 2nd year of pre-med before she had an epiphany: she did not want to be a doctor. She had as a child, her parents helped her plan her high school classes to pave the way. Each year of undergrad was harder and harder; the joy of learning lost. She finally approached her parents about changing her major and the scenes she expected played out. Then in the midst of the strife, she blurts out to her mom, “Why don’t you go to school to be a doctor?” Laura fed her arguments back to her mom and she agreed! She went back to school. She went for nursing and had quite a late-bloomer career. Laura? She has an MBA and has her own career on track.
I’ve always wanted to tell a long story first to make a point! If her mom’s dream is the wedding, suggest that her mom have her own dream second wedding, renew their vows, and have a honeymoon–the works.
Laura actually had this predicament, too, because she wanted to get married in the church she grew up in and not everyone would fit. She didn’t explain it perhaps–or her father’s friends were confused over their welcome because they didn’t come. There was still over 300 people so it was labeled a “success.”
Comment by Susan — May 10, 2006 @ 9:50 pm