May 12, 2006I Never Promised You A Rose Garden
It was my Dad this time. He told me he used my book to figure out how to handle a tough conversation. He also complained that I make it sound easier than it is to SpeakStrong and confront issues.
I never meant to imply it’s easy to speak up. If it was, everyone would do it, but they don’t. You can say things perfectly and still have people get upset with you. You might even have people retaliate against you, simply for speaking up and speaking truthfully.
It’s not easy, but not speaking is harder, at least in the long run.
I told my Dad,
- I used to have tough communication situations all the time, but I don’t anymore. I’m not saying I never have them, but it’s gotten fewer and farther between, and it’s easier now when I do.
The difference is evident in my relationship with my Dad. I used to walk on eggshells around him, but I don’t anymore. I feel closer than ever because I feel free to tell the truth. My world doesn’t fall apart if things get tense.
A few months back, my Dad addressed and issue with me that was based on a misunderstanding. Because he spoke up we were able to clear the issue up. My father said,
- It may not have been any of my business, but I think I did it by the book. Your book.
He did, and I was very glad that he did.
I don’t promise you a rose garden. I do promise it will be vibrant and real.
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just wanted to say YEAH Dad! How great you have the time to have honest communications.
Comment by Kathleen Roberts — May 17, 2006 @ 11:09 am
I also used to walk on “egg shells” around my Dad. One day, I had it out with him and let him know how much it hurt to have him constantly correct everything I did or said (it felt like I could do nothing right). Ever since then and until his death last November, we grew closer and closer because I felt I could have adult-type conversations with him.
Comment by Mary Vroman — May 24, 2006 @ 2:27 pm
I have 2 comments: First, I think generationally children raised in the 60’s and 70’s were raised to not talk back hense the phrase “children are to be seen and not heard.” As an adult I began to realize this created an irrational fear of speaking up due to the fear of being punished even though it was no longer an option. As I began to speak up my Dad became very uncomfortable with the “loss of control” and shut down. I have remained persistant in trying to convince him this could improve our realtionship and slowly he is starting to come around. You are one of the lucky ones to have a father that is equally interested in bettering your relationship.
Second, I agree with your Dad that speaking up even with perfect phrases can be difficult especially if the other party is not interested in changing the dynamics of the current relationship. It was refreshing to hear that he also has struggled but is still trying to change for the better. I feel that I was unable to learn how to speak up as a child therefore had to learn as an adult the skills I needed. As a parent I have allowed my children to speak up (although difficult) so they were able to learn how to express their feelings. As young adults they are miles ahead of me and I consider that my reward.
Comment by Patty Thomas — July 6, 2006 @ 11:48 am