June 26, 2006Pippi Pangea and the I Said it Strong Award
The I Said it Strong Award acknowledges those who speak out in challenging situations in a way that is clear, kind and direct. The conversation does not need to be earth-shattering or life-changing. It simply needs to be a conversation where the speaker chose to seek clarity when it seemed safer and easier to stay silent.
The I Said it Strong Award is a cute 7” giraffe called Pippi Pangea. The giraffe represents rising above the noise and “Talking the High Road.” Her first name, Pippi, comes from Pippi Longstocking, the strongest girl in the whole world. Pippi is fearless, generous and always speaks up when something needs to be said.
Pippi’s last name is Pangea, which means “when everything comes together.” Powerful communication occurs when all elements of a message come together into the perfect words. Powerful communication involves a blending of the personal message – thoughts, feelings and desire – with the impersonal message that is available when one steps back and looks at the situation without considering personal involvement.
Wording and presentation does not have to be perfect to merit an I Said it Strong Award. It does not need to result in perfect resolution. If the submitter stretched outside of his or her comfort zone and spoke with the intent of creating clarity, they qualify for the award.
Stories that are submitted may be published in the weekly newsletter A PowerPhrase a Week to provide inspiration to others to speak up in their own lives.
We at SpeakStrong Inc. value powerful communication and would be delighted to present you or someone who Spoke Strong to you with an I Said it Strong Award. Send your stories to MerylRunion@speakstrong.com.
June 26, 2006Confiding is Good for the Soul
A new study shows that 25% of the population has no one to confide in. I used to be in that group. I was reminded of that this week. While reading the book The Soul of Money, I was struck by the conversation the author and her husband had after losing much of their net worth in the stock market on Black Monday in October 1987. They moved beyond their fear, anger and other emotions in a matter of hours by confiding in each other. I found their experience to be a sharp contrast to what I went though because of that day. The first time I invested in the stock market was three days before Black Monday. The $10,000 mutual fund I bought was valued at $3000 only a few days after I invested. I was frightened, discouraged and felt shame about my actions. I shared my experience with no one.
There were over a million people who were impacted by the events of the stock market that day, but I experienced it as my own private shame. I could have worked through my emotional reaction much more quickly had I not felt the need to keep my loss so private.
Sex, religion and politics are considered the three taboo topics. But let’s not forget money. I don’t suggest being an open book with everyone on any of the touchy topics, but I do suggest finding a confidant or confidents when you need one.
I’ve been talking about money with a lot of people lately, and it sure feels healthy. In 1987 I felt like I had a deep dark secret. I don’t keep deep dark secrets anymore. I am grateful that I am no longer in the 25% group with no one to confide in. If you still are, I encourage you to reach out. Confiding the truth about what happens in your life is very healthy.
June 26, 2006This Isn’t Some of Your Work that Resonates with Me the Most
I recently forwarded a book proposal draft that I was excited about to a friend for feedback. If you do creative work, you know how closely the creation is tied into the identity of the creator. I wanted accurate feedback, but I was also sensitive to having my “baby” criticized. I sent it to my friend Jay, who was very gracious in explaining that I wasn’t as far along as I imagined myself to be. She said,
- This isn’t some of your work that resonates best with me, at least not yet.
She went on to give very specific feedback about the strengths and weaknesses of the writing. I read her feedback like it was a gift, which it of course was.
June 26, 2006That’s Just the Way I Am
Jack complained to Charlie about work he left for the office manager and cc’d their boss. Charlie had misunderstood the responsibility of the office manager, but did not appreciate Jack involving the boss on an issue that could easily have been dealt with on a peer level. Jack said,
- Yeah, I suppose I should have come to you first. But that’s just the way I am.
This remark smacks of powerlessness. The implication is that Jack as no control over the way he is, so others have to simply live with his behavior. It’s an excuse for bad behavior and a Poison Phrase.
June 26, 2006Barred From the Board
When I started my job I was part of board meetings and my views were sought on a number of contentious issues. However, it soon became apparent that the board (all male) were uncomfortable having their practice held up to scrutiny by a female who did not subscribe to the opinion that because they were directors, they were always right. Now I no longer am invited to board meetings and no longer get to hear information that previously enabled me to do my job effectively and to bring about change. I need to address this without seeming to moan or over inflate my importance in the company. How do you suggest I approach this with my directors?
Meryl Responds
It sounds like things changed without anyone saying anything about it. The result is that you’ve made a number of assumptions that may or may not be true. Before you do anything else, I’d like to hear you get clarity on the reasons for the change in the practice of including you. Here is a possible script.
It was very useful to my job performance to attend the board meetings. Since I’m not invited anymore, I’m not getting information I need to be my most effective in my position. I wonder if I had an incorrect understanding of what my role in those meetings was, and if I am no longer invited because I wasn’t doing what was wanted from me. I’d like to learn why I am no longer being invited and to see if there is anything I can do to get back on the invitation list so I can do my job in the best possible way.
It is quite possible the reasons for your not being invited have nothing to do with what you think they do. I’d like for you to find out. And even if you’re right, it sounds like the goal of speaking is to get what you need to perform, even if the situation requires that you be a bit less forthcoming in the future.
June 26, 2006A Friendship Preserved
I received an angry message on my answering machine from my friend about “blowing her off” and not getting her bookkeeping done. It was an ugly situation that I needed to address. So out came your book, “How to Use PowerPhrases.” I tried to call her back for 4 days and either got a busy signal or a message that her message box was full. Since I couldn’t reach her by phone, I wrote her a letter using lines from your chapter about apologizing — without groveling — that was short, but sweet, and to the point. I stated that she was counting on me and I let her down, that I cared about her and our friendship and that by me letting her down I didn’t honor that friendship, I said I was sorry and asked if she would please forgive me. End of letter.
She called me after receiving the letter and we had a conversation that was very positive and civil. I first apologized for letting her down, she apologized for leaving an angry message, and she thanked me for everything I had done in years past. She stated that she knew I was overwhelmed with work and that she had a friend who wasn’t working who would be able to take the work off my hands. I was elated and relieved. I didn’t tell her that though. We made plans on a date to meet with the other lady to pass along all her files, information and backup. The call ended friendly and she asked, “Any hard feelings?” Of course, I said, “No hard feelings at all - friends forever.”
Thank you, Meryl, for your support and especially for your PowerPhrases.
June 20, 2006$50,000 She Could Not Afford to Keep
I just read an extraordinary book called The Soul of Money by Lynne Twist. It is difficult to choose a single story to share from it, but I will.
For 20 years Lynne Twist was a leader and fundraiser for The Global Hunger Project. In her early years, she met with the CEO of a cereal manufacturer who showed no interest in her project but offered her a check for $50,000. She had heard that the reason why he was donating was because his company had been caught doing something unethical and the donation was part of their damage control. The situation was distasteful to her and the money felt tainted.
That same evening Lynne received many small donations from individuals in Harlem who could scarcely afford to donate but did so with joy. After experiencing the contrast, Lynne returned the check to the CEO, explaining she could not accept the donation because they were looking for partners who gave from the heart. She suggested his company find another organization they felt a commitment to.
I was impressed. I’m not sure I could have done that. But Lynne felt the money to be a burden to her project and felt freed by returning it.
Six years later the CEO sent Lynne Twist a $250,000 personal contribution with a note telling her that when he received the returned check it affected him deeply. He said he followed her work with The Hunger Project over the years and was impressed. He told her his contribution came from his heart.
Sometimes you don’t learn right away how you affect people when you SpeakStrong.
June 20, 2006I Didn’t Ask What You Know. I Asked What You Think.
A participant at one of my seminars last week shared that he would get his kids in the habit of thinking for themselves, problem solving and sharing their opinions by asking them what they think. If they responded that they didn’t k now, he would tell them,
I didn’t ask what you know. I asked what you think,
The point of this expression is that people often think they need to have “the right answer” to speak, but they don’t. We don’t have to know for our thoughts to have value.
June 20, 2006We’ll Fix It Because Others Have Problems Too
Whenever we make a change there are always issues we did not anticipate. So it is with our newsletter format. While most people have enjoyed the new format, there are a few who have had issues that we needed to address.
I appreciate people giving feedback and want to avoid any wording that would discourage future feedback. So when I responded to one person’s email I wanted to point out that she was not alone in her problem. My first draft had another implication that was best avoided, however. I said,
- There are a few others with this issue so we are looking to fix it.
I realized (before I hit send this time) that my words implied that if she had been the only one with a problem, we might not have done anything about it. I always try to give people the benefit of any doubt when they say things like this, but it’s best to be aware from our side how others might hear things.
June 20, 2006Commanding Respect
I had a tough dinner to get thru last week and thought of you and how you would have recommended I handle the situation and which “speak strong” words I could have used. I was invited by a colleague to go to dinner with one of our top clients. Everyone was male except for me and one of the client’s spouses. As soon as I walked up to the group, I felt as though I was dismissed as a woman. I was not introduced when others were being introduced as we stood there, and the clients seemed to ignore me off the bat. The funny thing is that I am a Vice President at the company and equal to the colleague who invited me. The dinner got much worse. The man sitting next to me started telling me that everything I was telling him was “so attractive” – that I like golf, that I liked to work crossword puzzles, really anything I said, he would say “I know you are married, but that is just so damn attractive that you like that, or do that, etc..” I was very uncomfortable and wish I could have found my powerwords. I did not want to offend the client as they are incredibly vital to our business but I wanted to let him know he was not being respectful. What would you have said to achieve both goals?
Meryl Responds
Ignore them ignoring you. When you are ignored in introductions, take the lead and introduce yourself as if that’s the natural order of things. Say:
I’m (name) and I’m the VP. (Colleague’s name) thought it was important for us to both be here because (what you bring to the table) and I am pleased we both could make it.
It’s a tough balance to hit because if you try too hard to be seen it puts you in a position of weakness, but so does being ignored. However, the fact is that you don’t need anyone to invite you in to take your rightful place.
Second, ask your colleague why he didn’t introduce you, and ask him to be your ally in the future.
Third, the man sitting next to you is likely clueless as to how he comes across. Some ideas:
When you make comments like that it makes me uncomfortable because I am being appreciated for my personal assets rather than my professional ones. You are a highly valued client and I’d like to keep our focus professional and gender-neutral.
Mr (name) I’d like your advice on something. I seem to be drawing more attention to myself as a woman than as an executive tonight. This is troubling to me because my purpose and intention is to serve (his organization) in the most professional way possible. Can you tell me what I could do or say that would shift the focus to our professional expertise and our projects?
Mr. (Name), while having you find me attractive is certainly preferable to the alternative, I’d rather that the conversation focus more on how we can serve (his company) than my characteristics.
(Name) how would you recommend that an attractive executive get her valued client to focus less on her personally and more on the business relationship?
I expect that my readers will have an abundance of suggestions.
