June 7, 2006A Disapproving Grandma-in-law
Dear Meryl,
My grandmother-in-law helps me out with my four kids a lot. She thinks we are too busy, but she seldom comments on our lifestyle. However, she was quite vocal about her disapproval of our annual July 4 th party with a large group of our college friends from all over the country. She thinks it overburdens me, but I get great joy from doing it. It doesn’t create any more work for her.
How do I tell her we plan to have the party again this year without engendering her disapproval?
Meryl Responds
Tell her:
The July 4th party is so much fun for us we decided to host it again this year. I know you think our lives are too busy already, but I would really love it if you could share our excitement about our celebration with our friends. They mean a lot to us, and so do you, so if you can give us your blessing it would make the event even more fun for us.
If she continues to make hostile comments say,
I know you love me and want to protect me from overloading my schedule. I understand your position on the party. I value your opinion, and I would appreciate it if you could find a way to support us in our decision. It takes from the fun to know someone we love so much disapproves.
You need to be aware that it’s your decision and not her business to judge it. I will go so far as to say she’s out of line to express her hostility more than once. However, I think it’s probably best to set your boundaries by letting her know how valued her support would be more than how unwelcome her vocal dissent it.
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This situation sounds like a familiar one in my family. My mom is expected to be emergency babysitter and chauffeur for a busy family member. When mom comments that she thinks the family member is over committed, she is told it isn’t her business. However, the family member would not be able to do all that she does without mom’s help. Perhaps the Grandmother in this story is really trying to say in a nice way that she doesn’t want the grandchild to be so busy that the Grandmother has to take care of the children so much. My decisions become someone else’s business if I expect them to be a part of my plans. The grandchild needs to find out what’s going on with Grandmother and maybe make other childcare arrangements from time to time.
Comment by Debbie — June 7, 2006 @ 1:42 pm
Does this problem say it all?
I think it would be asking too much for a grandmother in law who would be about 70-75 to put up with a group of college friends.
There is a big generation gap.
How well behaved are the “college friends” at a party?
Comment by Dorothy Savok — June 7, 2006 @ 2:03 pm
From the limited information provided, I couldn’t tell what Grandma actually said that was so offensive. Let’s not forget Grandma appears to be shouldering some of the familial duties by helping out with the four children. I assume she’s already raised her own, so she might feel a bit entitled to an opinion, depending on the role she plays in the family. People are proud to claim their families are close. People also have high expectations of what their family can do for them, but quickly react when a family member “crosses the line” by appearing too closely involved. Guess what - if you want to be close and have your family as an integral part of your life, then you need to suck it up when they have an opinion about what you’re doing! You can’t have it both ways. With closeness comes a little conflict.
Comment by Suzanne — June 7, 2006 @ 2:13 pm
It sounds more like Grandma may be reacting to being expected to ‘free baby-sit’ the children, not attend the partyand be kept from her own idea of celebration of the day - perhaps, (inspired by last years party( she was planning her own get together, and now feels obligated(trapped in) to looking after children
Comment by Rachel — June 7, 2006 @ 3:17 pm
I over-edited the question…grandma’s help overall is as much to give her something to do as to help the family, and she didn’t do anything more regarding the party. It was clear in the original question but the original question was long. I took out so much that the situation became unclear. I agree with you and others who suggest Grandma has every right to object if it affects her workload, but it’s not the case. My bad.
Thanks for writing!
Comment by merylrunion — June 7, 2006 @ 3:23 pm
The GMIL has a life time of habits and in her upbringing it is her business to protect her loved ones even if it’s viewed as a judgement. We are talking about different styles in dealing with differences and conflict management. The GMIL has self talk as all people do so the fundamental solution is to educate people directly or indirectly about seeing one’s own habitual patterns, their impacts on people, and then improve. SpeakStrong is fabulous and we must follow-thru with the latest know-how in Zen Conflict management tactics, and understanding human programming and re-programming technologies. Check out NLP, 7H, and Landmark educations to LiveStrong as wellas SpeakStrong.
Comment by Jerry Wang — June 7, 2006 @ 6:30 pm
My guess? Grandmother is proud of her family, and proud that she can contribute to their well being and quality of life. But what the comment about the party would say to me is that perhaps she is beginning to feel more used than useful, and that she would like time with her family that is quality visiting and enjoying time and not just service or baby sitting time. She wants to be appreciated for more than just her ability to serve the family. She wants to be included as an integral member. A big party with people who to her are strangers looks like “…you have time for them, but not for me…” Have the party, but find a way to include grandmother in other family gatherings where she is not pushed to the side, or working so others can enjoy.
Comment by Kathleen DuBois — June 8, 2006 @ 7:24 am