June 7, 2006Either Stop Complaining or Do Something About It
Generally I like listening to people talk about their issues. I like to offer support, I like seeing if I can spot the patterns, and I really like it when I can offer useful insight.
There are times, however, when I get weary of hearing people recite the same problems without taking action. The names and faces may change but the situations stay the same. I come to a point where I feel like I am enabling them by allowing them to release enough emotional pressure that they are no longer motivated to do something about the situation they complain about.
This happened recently, and I told someone close to me,
I need for you to either do something about this or stop complaining.
I was pleased that my words motivated my friend to take action. If he had been offended, I still would consider the words to be PowerPhrase because they expressed my own perception and need
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I call this “problem rehearsal.” And don’t we all do this at times, even in our own thinking? I challenge everyone to check this out for a week!
In fact, I would go so far as to say that we are a problem-oriented society, even in our education. I find the real problem is that we tend to make statements about a situation instead of asking questions. But questions are about the best kind of PowerPhrase in many situations.
When someone keeps complaining, I ask, “What solutions do you have in mind?” This frequently helps the complainer change gears, mentally. If they say, “I don’t have any.” I ask, “Well, what *could* be a solution?” I ask myself these very same questions when I find myself “rehearsing” a problem in my own mind. It always leads to possibility thinking.
If someone ingores my questions I simply say, “Look, I find that reheasing the problem never helps me find an answer. If we can’t focus on solutions, could we talk about something else?”
Comment by Sheilah Bockett — June 7, 2006 @ 3:14 pm
My definition of “whining” is to complain with wanting the problem to be resolved. Whining is generally disliked.
Comment by Lee Beaumont — June 7, 2006 @ 5:54 pm
Lee’s comment really set me thinking. Apart from the fact that we all do a little whining at times - come on now, we do! - is it that we don’t want the problem solved, or is it that we don’t want to solve it ourselves? Don’t we want someone else to solve it for us? In my experience, finding your own solutions isn’t for the faint hearted.
Comment by Sheilah Bockett — June 8, 2006 @ 4:27 am
I liked Sheilah perspective, it got me to thinking how helpful questions are for both. it takes me out of the “Fix It Mode” and into the supportive one that keeps the responsibility for chnage with the other.
I am going to change my old thinking, which was - After listing several times to the same story I use to say, “Dame on_________for who you/I am but Dame on you/me for staying that way”
Comment by Maggie Bjorkquist — June 9, 2006 @ 1:40 pm
Well, I can attest to this powerphrase of the week. I did tell a very close friend of mine that she would have to do something about her situation after hearing more of the same story for 4 years. However, I did offend her, and she terminated our friendship even though I was kind in choosing my words and sympathizing with her situation.
It still astounds me how such a great friendship could have been ruined over being too honest!
But if I was to do it again, I would still follow what I did in the past! Perhaps she really wasn’t that great of a friend!
Comment by Michelle Armstrong — June 25, 2008 @ 2:16 pm
I like what several of you said about trying to direct the complainers to focus on solutions. I’d like to suggest that in some of these cases, what is going on is that the person feels powerless to change the situation & they are crying for help. Solutions alone may not be enough, because the complainers don’t feel empowered even to approach solutions. They may need the kind of help only a professional can give. But if you feel called upon to intervene for the complainer, the trick becomes learning how to recognize the difference between people who feel powerless and people who just like singing their own person opera. I don’t always know the difference & when it turns out I do, it seems to be some gut instinct rather than a quantifiable list I can work off of.
Comment by Kathleen — July 9, 2008 @ 8:18 am
Kathleen: You are most compassionate and seem to have great insight,you are correct- whining may actually be a call for help, esp. if it goes on for a long time and contains the same message. There are are all forms of whining, some frivolous and others done with deeper longing. Despite it being “tiresome” to hear, perhaps underneath, as you said, there is a real need for someone else to pitch in (gently) to find out the real reason for the whine. You may not be able to solve the issue, but just listening to the real reason behind it may help in working out a solution for someone’s problem. Guess what I am saying is not to dismiss a friend’s “whine” unless you absolutely have to!
Comment by Pat Villmer — July 15, 2008 @ 3:26 pm
One way to move past the whining w/o offering unsolicited advice is to gently ask the following questions:
1. What does a resolution to your issue/problem/concern look like to you?
2. If you had to take a small step (or that first step) today to reach resolution what would it be?
3. Do you need my help to take that step? or What do you need to take that step?
This gently lets someone know they often have ownership in the resolution to their problems. It also lets them know you are willing to help them help themselves — but can’t fix it for them. I’ve used the 1st 2 steps in mediations (alternative dispute resolutions). The 3rd question is not allowed by mediators in mediation, but can be used by a friend.
Comment by Kristi Leinneweber — July 29, 2008 @ 1:49 pm
Hi Kristi! Great PowerPhrases! Thanks! And the fact that you have a considered approach to these situations shows how conscious you are. We all should have our own series of steps!
Comment by merylrunion — August 3, 2008 @ 3:21 pm