June 20, 2006Commanding Respect
I had a tough dinner to get thru last week and thought of you and how you would have recommended I handle the situation and which “speak strong” words I could have used. I was invited by a colleague to go to dinner with one of our top clients. Everyone was male except for me and one of the client’s spouses. As soon as I walked up to the group, I felt as though I was dismissed as a woman. I was not introduced when others were being introduced as we stood there, and the clients seemed to ignore me off the bat. The funny thing is that I am a Vice President at the company and equal to the colleague who invited me. The dinner got much worse. The man sitting next to me started telling me that everything I was telling him was “so attractive” – that I like golf, that I liked to work crossword puzzles, really anything I said, he would say “I know you are married, but that is just so damn attractive that you like that, or do that, etc..” I was very uncomfortable and wish I could have found my powerwords. I did not want to offend the client as they are incredibly vital to our business but I wanted to let him know he was not being respectful. What would you have said to achieve both goals?
Meryl Responds
Ignore them ignoring you. When you are ignored in introductions, take the lead and introduce yourself as if that’s the natural order of things. Say:
I’m (name) and I’m the VP. (Colleague’s name) thought it was important for us to both be here because (what you bring to the table) and I am pleased we both could make it.
It’s a tough balance to hit because if you try too hard to be seen it puts you in a position of weakness, but so does being ignored. However, the fact is that you don’t need anyone to invite you in to take your rightful place.
Second, ask your colleague why he didn’t introduce you, and ask him to be your ally in the future.
Third, the man sitting next to you is likely clueless as to how he comes across. Some ideas:
When you make comments like that it makes me uncomfortable because I am being appreciated for my personal assets rather than my professional ones. You are a highly valued client and I’d like to keep our focus professional and gender-neutral.
Mr (name) I’d like your advice on something. I seem to be drawing more attention to myself as a woman than as an executive tonight. This is troubling to me because my purpose and intention is to serve (his organization) in the most professional way possible. Can you tell me what I could do or say that would shift the focus to our professional expertise and our projects?
Mr. (Name), while having you find me attractive is certainly preferable to the alternative, I’d rather that the conversation focus more on how we can serve (his company) than my characteristics.
(Name) how would you recommend that an attractive executive get her valued client to focus less on her personally and more on the business relationship?
I expect that my readers will have an abundance of suggestions.
3 Comments »
RSS feed for comments on this post.
| TrackBack URI
You can also bookmark
this on del.icio.us or check the cosmos
I don’t mean any disrespect to the woman who wrote to you regarding her turmoil during the client dinner. However, I am confused about a couple of things.
I don’t understand how a Vice President would even consider walking into a client dinner without taking the lead and introducing herself. Granted, I don’t know all the details (and the inevitable “pecking order” these dinners sometimes call for), but it still baffles me as to why she (A) never took her own initiative and introduced herself to these other men, and (B) how on earth she could sit there and let this man speak to her this way.
Now, to my second point (on how she could let the man speak to her that way), I agree that’s a tough one — I, myself, may not have handled it any differently. But I guess I would expect that a woman who has risen to such a formidable position as Vice President would allow this conversation to continue. The client’s business was important… but at what cost?
And, as Meryl pointed out, shame on your colleague! Inviting you to dinner and not properly introducing you to your clients is, in my opinion, unacceptable.
While I am certainly not qualified to give you advice, I will offer this: No matter what your title (Executive, Vice President, Specialist, etc.), you deserve respect. Period. As I see it, you were disrespected on too many levels that night (your clients, the man speaking inappropriately, and your colleague). But remember, respect starts from within. Once you respect yourself – and demand that you are treated respectfully – you will find your voice and you will speak strong.
Comment by Judy McDonough — June 21, 2006 @ 10:37 am
I agree with Ms. McDonough. The role of Vice President demands respect. A Vice President should command respect. If I walk up to a group while introductions are being made, and I am not introduced, I introduce myself. Or I would ask my colleague something like, “Joe, could you introduce me to our guests?”
As for the “attractive” comments. I noticed that the comments were all regarding personal information: crosswords, golf, etc., and not business-related topics. It sounded like general flattery to me. If I felt uncomfortable with his tone, his words, or a general vibe, I would assert myself and shift the conversation back to work-related topics.
I have been in meetings before where my Vice President interrupted a co-worker who was making a presentation to comment on my eyes or my hairstyle. I was mortified - everyone was staring at me! Then I realized he wasn’t taking anything away from me. I was the same person as I was before the meeting. I took control and said, “Thank you, Ron. Sean, what were you saying about the status of….” When it happened a second time a few weeks later in front of a client while I was speaking, I paused, looked him in the eye, held my silence for a long moment - long enough to get his attention, and said, “We can discuss that later, off-line. Now, as I was saying, I think we should consider …..”
It was clear to everyone that I recognized his inappropriate comment and behavior. It was clear to everyone that I didn’t wilt or overreact, and that I would discuss it with him later, in private.
My VP’s comments were demeaning and objectifying, but I didn’t feel demeaned. I felt empowered because I knew I handled the incident and that I could handle the private discussion with him. When I went into his office after the meeting, I told him I thought his off-subject comments were inappropriate. I said I didn’t feel it was sexual harassment; I just thought he was speaking without thinking, and for a person in his position with the company, he couldn’t afford to do that. He apologized, and thanked me. Six months later I was promoted to Operations Manager and transfered to another state to open a new office.
As Ms. McDonough said, once you respect yourself, you will find your voice and you will speak strong!
By the way, a good swallow to clear your throat and a nice deep breath before you speak helps tremendously, too!
Comment by Cindy Mueller — June 21, 2006 @ 2:01 pm
Good luck in commanding respect and deal with ADD (Attention Deficit Disorder) remarks.
How about Match-and-Lead and build rapport by saying “Why thank you, I eat well and exercise regularly. More imporantly, I do this and that at my work. In the past N years, I led X projects and served clients like you extremely well.” throw in some funny, vivid, incredulous success or close-call stories to entertain and distract. Re-focus and not to repress the offenders.
A hand in the face and a direct hard block is jarring and really uncalled for in my opinion. Margaret Thatcher said that being powerful is like being a lady. If you have to say you are then you are not.
Have fun. Flow like the water and flutter like the butterfly!
Comment by Jerry Wang — July 7, 2006 @ 5:47 pm