June 26, 2006That’s Just the Way I Am
Jack complained to Charlie about work he left for the office manager and cc’d their boss. Charlie had misunderstood the responsibility of the office manager, but did not appreciate Jack involving the boss on an issue that could easily have been dealt with on a peer level. Jack said,
- Yeah, I suppose I should have come to you first. But that’s just the way I am.
This remark smacks of powerlessness. The implication is that Jack as no control over the way he is, so others have to simply live with his behavior. It’s an excuse for bad behavior and a Poison Phrase.
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Amen. Had a co-worker who responsed the same way to any and all attempts to help her raise the quality of her work and ultimately keep her job. Needless to say, we don’t hear those comments anymore; another company does, now.
Comment by Judy Phillips — June 28, 2006 @ 2:36 pm
My boss consistently uses this “excuse” for his behavior or language. He blames his hair-trigger temper on his childhood, his exaggerated frustration response to issues with his father, etc. In almost every other way, he is the perfect boss: intelligent, generous, humorous, honest. I love my job, but I just wasn’t handling my reaction to his temper.
A few weeks ago, I interrupted yet another tirade by saying that there comes a time when everyone must make a conscious decision to leave behind the baggage of their childhood, and move forward with their life.
He was struck dumb. He came back to me a few days later and apologized. He said that he had never thought much about how his behavior affected other people. Everyone had been excusing him and his behavior for over 60 years. I used to cower in the face of his wrath. Now I see it for what it is–a childish temper tantrum. And I am no longer afraid.
Meryl gave me the words to speak my thoughts. My fear and anger evaporated. I felt powerful.
Comment by Cindy Mueller — July 5, 2006 @ 2:54 pm
Well, thanks to Cindy for the phrase “exaggerated frustration response.” My boss manages to push ALL my buttons and I’ve been trying to understand the patterns that play out in both of us, for some time. I’d come to think of this response of hers as a cyclone arriving on the scene. But that image didn’t serve well in explaining the behaviour, or help me think of ways to effect a change in the moment.
Comment by Kathleen — July 13, 2006 @ 6:31 am