July 26, 2006Show Up in Your Life and Your Conversations
I enjoyed this year’s National Speaker’s Association Convention more than any before, because I added what had been the missing ingredient at past conventions. Me.
I realized what I had done in the past when my fiend Cindi asked me why I was even going this year. Her question made me realize that I was complaining about what the convention wasn’t rather than embracing what it was. Clearly I had chosen to go, so I must have concluded that the benefits of going outweighed the liabilities. Yet my conversation with Cindi reflected the con side of the convention and overlooked the pros that were the reason I opted to go in the first place. This year I let my resistance go. I decided to have a blast, and I did, because I showed up 100%.
Are you showing up 100% in your world…particularly in your communication? For example, today my husband questioned my intent in a remark I made that he took the wrong way. In the past he would have stewed about it, but since he made a commitment to show up 100% for me in our interactions, he’s been doing just that. Showing up completely at a convention is a decision, and showing up completely in communication is too. Both are decisions that are well worth making.
July 26, 2006This Isn’t Y2K
When I told my convention roommate that I was going to a session on “immunizing your speaking business from the avian flu,” she replied, “Yeah, I remember Y2K. ” She figured since Y2K was a non-event, the Avian Flu was likely to have a mild impact as well. That’s why I was impressed when the speaker said
This isn’t Y2K
and explained why this threat is different from that non-event of 2000. When you know what the common objections to an idea are, address them first from your own side.
July 26, 2006I’m Torn
A client of mine told me how delightful the ASTD Convention was. (Association for Training and Development.) I explained that I was interested in ASTD and had spoken for them, but I didn’t attend the meetings because
- I’m torn between speaking, training and writing.
I noticed my wording and wondered why I chose those exact words. I didn’t say that my work encompasses speaking, training and writing and I didn’t say that my work includes those things. I said I was torn between them. My choice of words told me that I need to integrate the aspects of my work, and if I can’t do that, I need to drop aspects that leave me divided.
Listen to how you talk, and ask yourself if you are revealing your true experience of things in ways you hadn’t been conscious of before.
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July 26, 2006Recipe for Disaster: Take One Cell Plan, Add One Teen and…
My daughter is on my cell plan, and one month she went over by $500. She says she can’t afford to pay me now, but will in the fall. In the meantime, she is now going over by smaller amounts. I don’t want to cut her off because she is out of state and I think it is important for her to have cell access, but I also want her to be responsible for her actions. How shall I address her?
Meryl Responds
Set the conditions for her to continue on the plan, and if she does not abide by them, consider it her choice to be cut from it. Say,
You have (50) minutes left to talk this month. Not 52 minutes and not 51. I will continue the service as long as you do not go over that limit and stick to your agreed-upon repayment plan. If you go one minute over I will take you off my service. I hope that does not happen, but the choice is yours.
If you don’t mean what you say, she holds all the power because she knows you won’t take her off. If you do mean what you say, you hold all the power and she will face the consequences of her own actions if she doesn’t respect your conditions.
July 26, 2006Things Are Like This Now…Because…
In our ‘rat race’ lives we often operate on the past (5 years ago, 5 days ago, 5 mins ago) or we operate on the future (what will happen 5 years from now, 5 days from now and 5 minutes from now). I believe strongly that living in the moment of events helps me stay focused and true to my feelings and beliefs. It keeps me from running away.
I heard the phrase Kacper, (Owner of Iamnow.com) say: “Things are like this now….”
In the last year at work we’ve had 3 different VP level positions filled by new staff. With that said, things have been changing often and quickly. My position as a permanent/full-time consultant is to be the liaison in these changes. In the middle of meetings I have staff questioning everything possible about the change, i.e. ‘We used to….” “If we do that, what will happen to…” all valid questions that can be addressed appropriately, but questions that can lead you to become unfocused on the duty that is the pressing issue…
So in these situations I’ve said, “Things are like this now…(and I pause) in order to….” It may seem awkward, at first, to the receivers of this phrase, since they may be mentally in the past for future, but I’ve often seen them pause and then take note and actually listen to what I have to say.
BTW.. this works well with my two boys (10 y/o and 3 y/o). I avoid giving promises that I can’t keep, i.e. tomorrow we will go swimming. But I will often let them know what I plan for the day at hand. In cases where things change I call them over and say, “Things are like this now,” and I explain. It seems they are less likely to be upset with me pinning me down on what I ‘promised earlier’ and they actually listen.
July 18, 2006Counterfeit Communication
“Steve” didn’t understand how a client could be so nice and he could still feel like he was getting a rotten deal. Mark explained that while Steve’s client was very polite, he was not nice. Mark Sanborn tells more of the difference in his June edition of Leadership Lessons. http://www.marksanborn.com/store/Leadership_Lessons_06-29-06.asp
This kind of confusion is all too common. You think one thing is going on, but in fact another is. It leaves you befuddled and it causes the message to be unclear. Disguising exploitation with politeness is an example of what I call Counterfeit Communication. Counterfeit Communication is a conversation or phrase that seems to have one purpose, but in fact has another. Read on to see some different types of counterfeit communication that may be familiar to you.
Neediness confused with love: Your suitor proclaims their love, so why do you feel so stifled?
Sarcasm confused with humor: The speaker says they’re joking but you feel the knife go in.
Disclosure confused with openness: Your potential vendor seems so open about their weaknesses as well as their strengths that it doesn’t occur to you that they are hiding some very salient information.
Bravado confused with strength: Your friend sounds so tough, but underneath you know there is a wall of fear.
Put-downs confused with sharing: Your partner “opens up’” telling you how they feel, but it feels more like a critic’s committee.
Shaming confused with guidance: You know you blew it so you don’t need your nose rubbed in it. But your boss seems intent on reminding you. She calls it guidance, but rather than guided, you feel shamed.
Pity confused with empathy: Your neighbor seems sympathetic to your loss, but somehow his concern leaves you feeling like you’re a pathetic loser.
Drama confused with passion: The conflict gets so intense that it feels so good when you kiss and make up and the severe pain you felt gives way to euphoria. But was anything really resolved? Is your relationship passionate? Or is it high drama?
The opposite is also true. A defensive ear can hear an innocent or responsible remark as sinister. Read on to see if you’ve heard some of the following Congruent Communications as counterfeit.
Consequences confused with threats: Your coworker tells you if you can’t resolve your issue she will bring it to your supervisor. You feel threatened, but she is really telling you of consequences so you can make an informed decision of how to handle the situation.
Accountability confused with blame: Your boss is trying to track down the misunderstanding, but as he reviews your emails back and forth; your defensive ear thinks he is trying to pin the mix-up on you.
Feedback confused with attack: Your coworker thinks you need to know that your fidgeting during a presentation was distracting and she tells you as graciously as she can, but you feel attacked personally.
Suggestions confused with criticism: Your partner suggests you wear the blue socks with your suit, and you hear it as criticism of your taste.
Guidance confused with control: You generously explain the system you’ve taken years to create for organizing your callbacks, but your struggling coworker rejects it all. He hears it as an attempt to control him.
What do you think? Do you like this line of thinking? What other kinds of Counterfeit Communication have you noticed masquerading as Speaking Strong? I’d love your input and examples on this as I continue to develop the theme. And this week, be aware of hidden agendas and speak to the genuine issues.
July 18, 2006I’d
Reader Suggestion: I love your newsletter and find many helpful hints. It would be even more helpful if you could give us phrases that use conjunctions. Sometimes I’m not able to fully appreciate your wise words until I convert phrases like, “I would” to
* I’d
which is more conversational.
Meryl’s comment: I make my living helping people notice what they do and pointing out what one might think is “obvious” but isn’t. Your email did that for me. I remember your words as I write. Thanks for the BFO –blinding flash of the obvious.
comment http://www.speakstrong.com/newsletter/category/newsletter/the-powerphrase-of-the-week/
July 18, 2006My Teenager and I Read Parts Out Loud for Laughs
I got my first nasty book review on Amazon this week. The review of Perfect Phrases for Managers and Supervisors included the comment that,
- It was so bad that my teenager and I read parts out loud for laughs.
I don’t expect everyone to love my work, and I know that people who don’t love my work may not choose to follow my communication guidelines of saying what they mean and meaning what they say without being mean when they say it. The reviewer not only rejected my book, he or she rejected my communication principles by using a phrase out-of-context to ridicule the entire book. There are better ways to write a negative review. I find it ironic that this review was of a book that discussed Standards of Responsible Communication which makes it clear why the tone is unnecessary and inappropriate.
Some of my readers who enjoy Perfect Phrases for Managers and Supervisors have already responded by posting their five star reviews. If you’re in the group that finds the book useful, I’d appreciate it if you’d take a minute to say so on Amazon. And to all of you who ever took issue with anything I’ve said, and who told me in a way that was clear, kind and direct, I thank-you.
http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0071452168/ref=pd_sim_b_1/104-5148175-9421541?%5Fencoding=UTF8&v=glance&n=283155
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July 18, 2006Is Pippi Real?
There are times I find myself feeling frozen, knowing I have to speak my truth, but feeling too overwhelmed to speak. Instead of just squishing it back down and locking it away like I used to do, I can imagine a tiny Pippi inside me whispering the words I need to say. All I have to do is open my mouth and let them fly out.
I thought a Pippi was a “virtual” reward, like an “Atta-Girl”. Is it real?
Meryl Responds
Pippi is a 7 inch stuffed giraffe that I award people for sending me stories. I am a bit behind in sending them out at the moment because I’ve been upgrading the “medal” around her neck to an I Said It Strong medal. As soon as my Pippi Awards are ready again, I’ll send one to you for the success story you sent which I include n this issue.
July 18, 2006Get Over It
My boss consistently uses the excuse of “that’s just the way I am” as an excuse for his behavior or language. He blames his hair-trigger temper on his childhood, his exaggerated frustration response to issues with his father, etc. In almost every other way, he is the perfect boss: intelligent, generous, humorous and honest. I love my job, but I just wasn’t handling my reaction to his temper.
A few weeks ago, I interrupted yet another tirade by saying that there comes a time when everyone must make a conscious decision to leave behind the baggage of their childhood, and move forward with their life.
He was struck dumb. He came back to me a few days later and apologized. He said that he had never thought much about how his behavior affected other people. Everyone had been excusing him and his behavior for over 60 years. I used to cower in the face of his wrath. Now I see it for what it is–a childish temper tantrum. And I am no longer afraid.
Meryl gave me the words to speak my thoughts. My fear and anger evaporated. I felt powerful.
