Comments on: So Sorry for Your Loss…or…

By: Mary Bolles

Mary Bolles — Wed, 16 Jul 2008 11:51:45 +0000

The phrase I usually write to co-workers is, “Please accept my warmest wishes and deepest sympathies.”

By: merylrunion

merylrunion — Tue, 15 Jul 2008 17:05:21 +0000

Great suggestion, Jenn, about checking in after some time has passed. We get a flood of sympathy when we’re numb - and forgotten sometimes once the shock has worn off.

By: Marilyn Keats

Marilyn Keats — Tue, 08 Jul 2008 19:45:54 +0000

I agree that if I knew the person I would always quote a particular memory about them, however small - it makes it personal and I know from experience how meaningful that can be. I would never presume to know how someone feels since no two losses are the same, and I would try to use positive words instead of negative. So, instead of saying: “memories can never be lost” I would prefer to phrase it like this instead: “I’m sure you have many fond memories that will keep your (whoever) alive”.

By: Jenn

Jenn — Thu, 20 Jul 2006 15:46:32 +0000

I lost my mom a month ago. I received lots of cards, and some are still coming in. I agree that it’s the thought that counts more than the specific words. Each card or phone call, email I get helps me to know that I’m not alone. But the cards will stop soon, even while I’m still struggling. If you know someone who has experienced a loss, I suggest sending a follow up card after some time has passed (as things do get harder) because it’s nice to know that while everyone has moved on, someone knows that it’s still a struggle for the person grieving.

As far as what to write–the most touching words I received in cards were from people who mentioned my mom–a fun experience they had with her, or a memory. Friends wrote, “I loved your mom” or “I’ll remember her great apple pies.” Even something like “she was always cheerful” feels like they are honoring her and it felt special to me.

Even if you don’t know the deceased personally, you could say something about what you learned about him/her from your friend, like, “You always talked fondly about your beach vacations with your mom. May those memories comfort you and give you strength.” The more specific the better, just take care not to assume you know what your friend feels or what they got from their relationship with the deceased.

By: Anne Dryden

Anne Dryden — Mon, 17 Jul 2006 15:58:34 +0000

Usually, remarks on a group card are brief. I take issue with the feeling that “I know what you are going through” is inappropriate. Sometimes I do know what the person is going through. For example, my husband died very suddenly so I may be better able to console a widow in a similar situation whereas I would not be able to say that to someone who lost a child.

By: Cindy Hapanowicz

Cindy Hapanowicz — Thu, 13 Jul 2006 19:48:37 +0000

I agree with Marilynn that the most awkward situations are with people who’ve not even acknowledged the death. I like to write for co-workers “holding you up in prayer during this difficult time” and for someone very close “Praying that God will hold you in His hands as you mourn the passing of Sue. I would consider it a privilege to assist you in any way I can, so please feel free to let me know if there is something I can do.” But something as simple as a card with the comment “thinking of you” is appropriate too. The older I get, the more “it’s the thought that counts” means to me. Yet after needing to cover my mom’s burial costs, I was really grateful to people that put money in the memorial envelopes at the funeral home. That helped more than they probably knew.

By: Patty Bell-Lewis

Patty Bell-Lewis — Thu, 13 Jul 2006 15:38:48 +0000

Having just lost my husband in March, I agree with Eveline. I really didn’t read each card carefully enough to note the words, but it meant a lot to know each friend was thinking of me. I noticed encouraging words and I liked when someone commented on how special Larry was to them. But the rest was a blur… except the fact that friends reached out to me.

By: Eveline

Eveline — Thu, 13 Jul 2006 14:04:47 +0000

I have often written “may it comfort you to know you are in our thoughts’ or something along that line.

What I found recently when my father-in-law passed away, is that it is not so much what people write in the cards that you notice, it is the fact that they sent them. It is indeed tremendously comforting to know people care whether they send a card, make a memorial donation or send flowers. Even a card with just their signature on it, is comforting.

What is more noticeable than what you write or say, is the “absence” of writing or saying anything.

By: merylrunion

merylrunion — Thu, 13 Jul 2006 01:43:30 +0000

Wonderful comments! I knew I’d get great feedback on this one! Marilynn, what makes the support you received so powerful is how personal it all was. Clearly your collegues know who you are and what matters to you. What an extraordinary sharing of love. I was moved by the power of the support you received.

Thanks to everyone for sharing your wisdom.

By: Cynthia

Cynthia — Thu, 13 Jul 2006 01:22:20 +0000

How about saying something encouraging like “May you find strength and hope from all of us who are thinking of you today”